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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this a drinking problem?

21 replies

Cheeseandchutney · 16/02/2022 21:30

My husband drinks alcohol every day without fail and has done for as long as I've known him (16 years). It might only be one beer, it might be a few. If we decide to have a drink at the weekend a bottle of wine isn't enough for him, he'll have two beers first then start on the wine.

He gets days off during the week and thinks it's acceptable to go for a pint at lunchtime before picking our son up from school in the car. I can always hear in his voice that he's had a drink, he slurs slightly after one. When he drinks red wine he takes 3 gulps in one instead of sipping it. He thinks it's acceptable to on occasion go to the pub for a pint at 11am. If he falls asleep on the sofa in the evening, he'll wake up and pour more wine and gulp it down before going up to bed.

His Dad has been an alcoholic all his life, I'd say a functioning alcoholic but definitely is one.

Don't get me wrong my husband isn't a raging alcoholic drunk all the time but I think he has a habit. I don't want to be with someone like this. I don't want drinking this much being so normal to our 6 year old son. It really upsets me.

Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
ExactlyThat · 16/02/2022 21:42

No, you’re not. My DH was similar, he’s given up alcohol during the week and broken the habit and it is much better for all of us. Both of his parents are functioning alcoholics.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 16/02/2022 21:43

I'm not an alcoholic, far from it but I cannot cope with it and sometimes don't know when to stop. I also do stupid stuff, make a twat out of myself and can't remember stuff so I would say I have a drink problem. However can go ages without a drink. I think drinking or wanting a drink to that point is a drinking problem.

PatsyClinSilVousPlait · 17/02/2022 02:02

He's drinking too much.

I'm also a man with a problematic relationship with alcohol, though mine varies over time, and I don't drink every day.

There are clear signs of alcoholism in his behaviour. I'd speak to him and see if he's open to reducing his drinking. If he is you've potentially got something to work with. Good luck.

MelaniaFlump · 17/02/2022 04:05

Surprised to hear that such a regular drinker slurs after one pint. Is it possible that he’s drinking more than you think?

Watchkeys · 17/02/2022 08:05

Sounds problematic, both for his health and for your preferences.

Have you spoken to him about it? What did he say? Or, if you haven't, how come you haven't, after all these years? What stops you?

MizzFizz · 17/02/2022 08:18

That is definitely a lot of alcohol OP. My husband and I have definitely had our party days, but now with a toddler we're lucky to get 3-4 drinks in per month. Daily need for alcohol, gulping drinks (before having more drinks), drinking in the morning/at lunchtime regularly are not normal drinking patterns.

Also, even if his behaviour seems OK, alcohol use disorder progresses with continued use, and after 16 years his brain has certainly been affected... I really recommend looking up Alcohol Use Disorder to learn more.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/02/2022 08:24

What are you still getting out of this relationship?. Why are you two still together?.

The 3cs re alcoholism are that you did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it.

Re your comment:-
"I don't want to be with someone like this. I don't want drinking this much being so normal to our 6 year old son. It really upsets me".

Then don't. Put some actions then behind those words and get off the merry go around. You have a choice here re this man, your son does not. He is already seeing far more than perhaps either of you care to realise as well; he sees his dad drinking, the empties in the recycling bin, your reactions both spoken and unspoken, to his dad and his drinking.

What is the longest period of time, to your direct knowledge, that he has not drunk alcohol?.

Denial is also a powerful force. Talking to an alcoholic about their drinking is about an effective an action as peeing in the ocean. His primary relationship is with alcohol, not you or your son. Its also a lot more than some habit he has going on here; this is addiction and he is both physically and pyschologically dependent on it.

What do you want to teach your son about relationships and what is he learning here?. Your H saw his father drink too much and now he is doing the same; your now six year old could well go down that route too particularly if you and his dad remain together for what are really your own reasons. These types of relationships often only go one way too; further downhill. Do not stay in such a marriage for your sons sake. He will not say “thanks mum” to you for doing that to him and could well accuse you of putting his dad before him.

You can only help your own self, and your son here, ultimately.

Longsight2019 · 17/02/2022 08:27

This is a problem.

With what you describe, it’s very likely that he is minimising his drinking in front of you, masking it to an extent, so that you only see the lower end of his habit. A quick guzzle here, a secret refill there. And if you go to bed before him, he has free reign whilst you’re asleep when he’s ‘watching tv’.

If you don’t have a problematic relationship with drink yourself, you won’t necessarily be able to see the signs as clearly. This is a case of ‘if you know, you know’, and it sounds like you’re at the sideline voicing your concerns because his behaviours are somewhat noticeable to you.

He’s addicted to an accepted liquid drug that is all around us. Everywhere we look, many things we (he) does, it’s there, never far away. What he’s doing is ‘topping up’, and the perfect example is when he falls asleep (because of the drink) and wakes up and necks more wine before bed. It’s just the same as someone snorting coke but because it’s in a bottle from the supermarket it’s ‘okay’.

You could try approaching him on the basis that you are concerned about his long-term health and as such, you want him to take a liver function test and general health screen. With such regular intake over a long period of time I would anticipate that the signs will be there and the test will prove your fears.

From there it very much depends on whether he accepts there is a problem and whether he, not you, will do anything to change his habits.

Educate yourself on alcoholism. It was a defining moment in my life when I realised that my own habits were a bi-product of our culture, my personality, my father’s habit, and just what the inevitable long term health issues would have become.

Good luck. And don’t be the wife of a functioning alcoholic forever.

GeneLovesJezebel · 17/02/2022 08:30

The fact that he has a pint and then drives your son would have me ending it.
And yes, he’s an alcoholic.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 17/02/2022 08:39

@MelaniaFlump

Surprised to hear that such a regular drinker slurs after one pint. Is it possible that he’s drinking more than you think?
This. And that's what makes the fact he drives with your son in the car selfish and irresponsible.
PurpleDaisies · 17/02/2022 08:41

Someone slurring their words has no business being in charge of a car, especially with a child in it.

Are you sure he’s only drunk one pint? I’d be very suspicious that he’s not telling the truth about that.

girlmom21 · 17/02/2022 08:41

@MelaniaFlump

Surprised to hear that such a regular drinker slurs after one pint. Is it possible that he’s drinking more than you think?
Yeah he's not just having one. I've made it very clear to my (very alcohol tolerant) DP that any alcohol is too much to be driving around with my kids in the car.

I think any amount is too much to be driving at all but that's maybe my own issue.

Cheesecakeandwineinasuitcase · 17/02/2022 08:48

This is how my dad started OP. It will only get worse if he doesn’t do something to break the cycle. It also sounds like he may be drinking more than he’s letting on which indicates he probably realises he has a problem.

RedRec · 17/02/2022 08:53

The first thing you need to do here is stop him driving with your son in the car when he has had 'one' pint. Poor kid.

HollowTalk · 17/02/2022 08:56

He really won't be slurring his words after 1 pint. He will have had a lot more than that. I would end it immediately. The idea of him driving your child is really terrifying.

PersonaNonGarter · 17/02/2022 09:29

OP, this is a serious problem - which you know. Go to Al-Anon for support.

You must always put your DS first and the driving shows you are not doing that.

magicstars · 17/02/2022 09:37

Yes it sounds like problematic drinking to me.
You may benefit from going to an al-anon meeting 💐

ISmellBurnings · 17/02/2022 09:38

What do you want to teach your son about relationships and what is he learning here?. Your H saw his father drink too much and now he is doing the same; your now six year old could well go down that route too particularly if you and his dad remain together for what are really your own reasons. These types of relationships often only go one way too; further downhill. Do not stay in such a marriage for your sons sake. He will not say “thanks mum” to you for doing that to him and could well accuse you of putting his dad before him.

This is exactly what I was going to write. Your DS will follow the same pattern.

Also, he’s drinking then going to pick him up? WTAF?

Graphista · 17/02/2022 10:07

Op I'm the child of an alcoholic and related to several others too.

Honestly I'm gonna say what I always say and maybe I'll get flamed for it but leave!

No ifs buts or maybes

This is not a healthy or safe environment for your child and he has no choice in any of this

You certainly should be doing all you can to stop him drink driving too - no way it's just one drink and even IF it is if he can't talk properly he certainly can't drive!

No way would I be letting him drive a child!

Alcoholism and there's a lot of myths it isn't just about amount or frequency it's about your relationship with alcohol and how it affects you and those you love when you do drink. Some are every day drinkers some it's binges but once they start they can't stop and all shades in between.

In my opinion having different names is often simply an extension of the denial there often is with this condition.

The alcoholics I know who've genuinely achieved healthy long term sobriety openly call themselves alcoholics and fully acknowledge and accept that.

The ones who say things like "I have a bit of a problematic thing with alcohol" have on/off sobriety that never really lasts very long

Longsight2019 · 17/02/2022 19:00

@Graphista

Op I'm the child of an alcoholic and related to several others too.

Honestly I'm gonna say what I always say and maybe I'll get flamed for it but leave!

No ifs buts or maybes

This is not a healthy or safe environment for your child and he has no choice in any of this

You certainly should be doing all you can to stop him drink driving too - no way it's just one drink and even IF it is if he can't talk properly he certainly can't drive!

No way would I be letting him drive a child!

Alcoholism and there's a lot of myths it isn't just about amount or frequency it's about your relationship with alcohol and how it affects you and those you love when you do drink. Some are every day drinkers some it's binges but once they start they can't stop and all shades in between.

In my opinion having different names is often simply an extension of the denial there often is with this condition.

The alcoholics I know who've genuinely achieved healthy long term sobriety openly call themselves alcoholics and fully acknowledge and accept that.

The ones who say things like "I have a bit of a problematic thing with alcohol" have on/off sobriety that never really lasts very long

This clearly comes from someone who understands with first hand experience. You’d do well to listen to this advice. IMO
Newuser82 · 17/02/2022 19:37

I would say it sounds like he has a problem with alcohol. Have you tried talking to him about it? Must be very difficult for you. I have recently lost my father from liver failure due to alcohol so I can give you my perspective. Firstly I would say at 6 that your son will suspect their is a problem wether he has mentioned it or not. I had to stop my father from staying with us when my son was younger than that as he asked me one day why does grandad drink so much wine 😥. He obviously is being put at severe risk from being driven in the car as it would seem likely that as someone who drinks so much he would be slurring after just one drink. In the last few years of my dads life he never appeared even tipsy due to his tolerance of alcohol. Also as a parent I would be concerned that if he is picking your son up from school after having a drink that the teachers or other school staff may realise that he has been drinking and report it as a safeguarding issue. I really wish you the best of luck as I can tell you from first hand experience that it is heartbreaking having an alcoholic as a parent.

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