How to get over this? Inexperienced and nervous, date called me distant

[wearingfeelingblue]

I'm 32 and I'm not experienced with relationships and dating at all. I kissed someone on a night out when I was 24 or 25 and erm, that's it

I'm so lonely and I'm tired of being lonely too. I was just building up confidence with going on dates before lockdown 1 and then during lockdown 2, seemed to make a connection with this guy. We had 3 dates over that lockdown period (all outdoors) and then one date when everything reopened.

If I'm being perfectly honest I have not a single clue how to flirt. I'm not tactile and I was also in that mad social distancing phase mentally. Afterwards he said I'd given him no signals I was into him and I seemed too distant.

It's all fair criticism but I don't know what to do with it and I feel even more of a freak than ever now. I don't want to tell anyone how inexperienced I am on a first date!

Practise makes perfect?. A date doesn't have to work out perfectly, you will get nerves, they might think you distant, you can either let this keep you from meeting people again or consider it all practise....over time it should get easier

were u into him? or were u bored and thinking of other things like u came across?

I liked him more than anyone else I've dated but I'm always worried about how I come across. I just feel like I need so much more time than anyone will expect.

A bit of alcohol helps things along IME!

Afterwards he said I'd given him no signals I was into him and I seemed too distant.

Random date man's opinion means nothing - he doesn't even know you.
Often, when a man gives out an unasked for critique like this, what he really means is "I don't reckon you are the type to shag me as quickly as I want, & I cannot be arsed to put in the time & effort."

You carry on not "signalling". You don't have to learn artificial come-hither signals to attract a man. You just have to date enough of them to find one who gets you, who respects your wish to take things as slowly as you want, & who YOU rate as a person.

You just have to date enough of them to find one who gets you, who respects your wish to take things as slowly as you want, & who YOU rate as a person.

Oh. Thank you you make that sound easy.

Well ... it's not 'easy' - but it is simple.

Main thing is - focus on what YOU like or dislike about them.
Forget about what they think about you.
Because - "what other people think of me is none of my business" &
"when a man wants you, he lets you know."

Besides, it's much easier dealing with self-consciousness or shyness by putting all your energy into the other person & forgetting about yourself as much as possible.

You're not a freak.

I'd text back and say, (without apologising) 'I'm shy so maybe that can come over as distant. But I liked you and would love to see you again. Second chance?'

But as PP have said, don't feel obliged to act a certain way to please him. Be yourself.

This might sound daft, but I would say go on more dates

Lower all your OLD criteria, suggest meet ups soon after connecting with people online, just get used to going on ‘first dates’ (and hopefully second, third, fourth dates…)

I can see why you say that, but it takes me so much courage to go on a date. I find it really taxing.

That’s sort of my point. Get more used to them, so that they seem less taxing…

@wearingfeelingblue

I can see why you say that, but it takes me so much courage to go on a date. I find it really taxing.

I can understand how it can feel overwhelming, so the idea of ramping up the date volume is to get used to it enough that dating no longer feels like a scary big deal.

Really - it takes practice, like any social skill.

I've been told that I dont give much away on early dates. It is because I am concentrating so hard on not coming across as silly that I overshoot and seem guarded. I wouldn't consider that criticism though. They were just telling me how I come across and I liked them saying so because it gave me a chance to say say something about being unexpectedly shy. I found this gave them a nice ego boost too (oh she is so into me that I made her shy) so tended to work out. This was many years ago now though.

You won’t be distant when you meet the right person, you just haven’t yet.

I agree, just be yourself. I've never learned how to flirt and think it's insincere anyway so I can't be arsed. I'm just straightforwardly myself and that means I'm polite and friendly, but a bit shy and introverted and awkward. If a guy isn't willing to be patient with that, he's not right for me.

There are a LOT of people on OLD (or anywhere) that you simply aren't compatible with. Try not to let that discourage you, there are people out there for us awkward ones too!

I like gingerhills suggested text..

Also something that helped me once is someone said to stop thinking of it as flirting and start thinking of it as playfulness. For me, that made it much easier to know what to do and took the pressure off a bit. Good luck OP.

@gingerhills

You're not a freak.

I'd text back and say, (without apologising) 'I'm shy so maybe that can come over as distant. But I liked you and would love to see you again. Second chance?'

But as PP have said, don't feel obliged to act a certain way to please him. Be yourself.

This ^

When I returned to dating (after a 10 year absence) I was nervous. I just said “I’m a bit nervous, tbh. I’ve not dated for a while and don’t want to rush into anything”. I have some issues with sex (10 year absence from dating to untangle that knot) so I’m not lying. Any guy who’s not okay with this can jog on. Yes, even that guy I really quite liked.

So just be open and honest with them about your shyness. The decent guys will be absolutely okay with it.

If you don't like dating, try other ways to meet men. Take up a load of hobbies, join a few social meet-up groups. The more people you meet, the more your pool increases and the more chances people have to meet you in a more natural environment.

I am aware that I should like Cathy and Claire off the Jackie magazine here.

Forget about flirting, and just focus on being warm. I’d say there are three main stages to that on an early stage date.

1: put them at ease and show you’re happy to be there. So be on time, stand to greet them, ask about their day/journey, literally tell them it’s good to meet them.

2: show interest in them physically, intellectually and emotionally. This can be as simple as telling someone their sweater vest looks great in them, acknowledging the impact of a story they tell, and asking their opinion on a subject.

3: Bring something to the party. Offer up some information about yourself, or your opinion on a subject. People typically build intimacy over shared knowledge or experience. Allow the person to feel like they know you a little bit better than before.

I’m actually quite a cold and private person, but treat dating like I do my job: I put on my best smile and focus on making sure the other person has a good experience. More often than not I do too, even if I have no interest in seeing them again. I get it, it’s hard when it doesn’t come freely - but reality is that you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.

What do you do for a job? Do you work in a role that requires interpersonal connections? Dating is like the early stages of building any connection - just with the potential of it going much further. If you’re not willing to practice on dates, then you can practice in pretty much any scenario where you meet new people.