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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

binge drinking

11 replies

Lostinself · 16/02/2022 12:17

hi
my partner binge drinks. not all the time, not every week but probably averaging over the last year once a month. we had some humdinger arguments as when they are so drunk they are argumentative and turn nasty. though have never been violent.

our children/friends and family have all seen my partner like this - some people think it's great as they can be life and soul of the party. but i hate it and when they are like that i have no respect or love for them.

he has been so drunk that they have weed in the bed (once), not manage to walk home with myself and our children as they fell over in a bush and we coudn't get them up, argue very loudly over nothing because they are drunk, fall asleep on top of me on a diagonal on the bed - I couldn't wake them to get him to move - so had to sleep downstairs, comatose on the kitchen floor etc etc.

they did dry jan and didn't touch a drop and then went out on a weekend this feb for 2 pints, whilst i cooked dinner and came back 8 hours later absolutely flat out drunk and collapsed in the kitchen drunk.
i have told them i am over it and am not doing this anymore - he left and is now back and has promised he'll do something about his inability to sometimes act so selfishly.

on a typical year i think the above behaviour happens maybe 5 times a year. last year it happened 10-12 times and this year 1 time so far.

could you live with this. apart from this he's great. kind, funny and loving. but the drunkeness is making me not love him.

OP posts:
Lostinself · 16/02/2022 12:18

we've been together 17+ years

OP posts:
Andante57 · 16/02/2022 12:24

I am sorry you are going through this.
Please go to Al Anon - either a face to face meeting or zoom - as y9u will find help and support there.

Lostinself · 16/02/2022 12:27

thank you for your response - i think i'll try and ring them

OP posts:
Mysticguru · 16/02/2022 16:04

I Think you need to find the under lying causes at to why they do this, especially as there is aggression.
This is a sort of self harming in a way an escape from something. AA is one way but so is therapy.

Lostinself · 17/02/2022 07:54

Thankyou for your reply.

Part of me feels why can't I tolerate this anymore, it's not really,really frequent but I'm so over it and I do not want this seen by my children.

OP posts:
Mumof3confused · 17/02/2022 08:11

No, I have been there and could not live with it. It’s really damaging for your children to witness also.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 17/02/2022 09:13

I couldn't live with it, no. And I couldn't live with myself letting my kids grow up seeing it so I think you need to let that power you to leave.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/02/2022 09:20

Do contact Al-anon here, they are very helpful to those affected by another person's drinking.

Do not allow this man to re-enter your lives.

You've already had 17 plus years of this and so in turn have your children; they have seen and heard far more than either of you care to realise. His primary relationship is with drink, not you, and its sadly never been with you either.

Put your own self and that of your children front and centre now; not this alcoholic.

What support do you have around you and what is the situation here re the property and finances?.

Lostinself · 17/02/2022 10:16

Thankyou all. I think I needed to here hear that I'm not being cruel in telling him we are done if this happens again.

Financially we're better off together but I could be ok financially by myself and with the kids.
I have let him back in and he has said he thinks he just can't drink anymore. I have now spoken to Al anon they were very understanding and helpful. I have given him a clear boundary, if you get really pissed again that's it, it's over.

It's not easy to write off such a long relationship. I still love him and he's a good dad and man.

OP posts:
Andante57 · 17/02/2022 10:45

It's not easy to write off such a long relationship. I still love him and he's a good dad and man

Of course - this is completely understandable.
However - and I hate to be the bringer of bad news - he is unlikely to keep to his promise of not drinking. Alcoholics cannot stop without help - that’s why they are alcoholics.
It’s an awful, cruel disease which benefits no one.
Well done getting in touch with Al Anon - they saved my life metaphorically speaking.

Mysticguru · 17/02/2022 12:27

If he is not drinking in between these bout of binge drinking and holds together his life then there must be something that triggers the once a month binge.
There's no doubt he needs help whether together or separately. But it is most certainly drunkenness and aggression is a no no in front of children!!
Is there a build up of anxiety within his work place or the home or something from childhood that lights the fuse so to speak?
Is he being continually critiqued or feels he needs to be the perfect partner/husband/dad and feels he letting every one down?
Therapy could help explore these issues and bring them to the surface.

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