AIBU to not want to spend time with friend who criticised my appearance on a night out?

[riverflamingo]

Posting under 'Relationship' topic as I'm not quite sure where this goes. Sorry in advance as it's quite long but id really like some honest opinions.

Anyway, back to what I was saying.....

A group of female friends (myself included) recently went out for a meal followed by bowling. I was at the restaurant on time, one of the girls (who I'll call 'friend X') text me after the time we were due to meet asking what I was wearing, I said "off the shoulder jumper, leggings, over the knee flat boots". I also had makeup on, including fade lashes and my hair was in a ponytail. It was a Monday night. She then turned up 30mins late wearing more or less the same outfit so I guessed she probably wasn't even dressed when she text to ask what I was wearing. Tbh I was annoyed she was so late but decided not to say anything because I didn't want to cause an atmosphere. We ordered and ate food then went bowling.

After bowling friend X, another girl from the group and myself went to a casino and had drinks there. The other girls went home. Friend X asked why I'd come out that night wearing a jumper and with my hair in a ponytail (she had clip-in extensions in which she'd curled). She said I should've made more effort. I laughed it off and said because we're having a girls night, its a Monday night and we went bowling. It's not like i'm trying to pull. Over the next couple hours she got more and more drunk and brought up my hair, jumper and the fact I need to put more effort into my appearance a further 4 or 5 times. At one point she asked what I would wear on a date with a guy and we went out for a meal. She knows I haven't been on a date since before the pandemic, through choice, so I thought it was a strange and irrelevant question. I said I don't know, depends on the restaurant but probably heels, nice top and trousers/jeans. I like to eat and feel comfortable so probably wouldn't wear a bodycon dress. She then got her phone out and started showing me photos of herself in various dresses on holiday and on nights out, saying those are the kind of things I should start wearing. I got upset and started crying. Partly because I was a bit drunk but mostly because I thought how effing dare you 😠! I was massively pissed off and hurt by the level of uncalled for criticism I was receiving from her. It didn't feel constructive at all, it just felt like she was having a go. It was a weeknight and so what if I decided to wear my hair up and put a jumper on. It's not a big deal and why does she care so much about what I'm wearing!? We only planned to got bowling and have food! I told her she had some audacity criticising what I was wearing considering she turned up 30mins late in basically the same outfit.

She loves to get dressed up and often tells us about guys looking at her and chatting her up etc. Fair play to her if she thrives on male attention but that's just not me. I don't need or even particularly like male attention. Unless it's from someone I'm attracted to I'm not bothered.

Friend X and I work together, the following day I ignored her in work because I was still angry and didn't want to say something I'd regret. The day after that she pulled me aside and apologised. She didn't actually remember most of what she'd said but the other girl who was in the casino with us told her she'd said some out of order things to me that night.

Following this night I don't have a lot of time for friend X. None in fact. But I like the nights out we have as a group and she's always part of the group. I declined the last couple group nights out because I don't want to be around friend X, which is annoying because I love doing activities with the other girls. Is it silly to stop going out with the group just because she'll be there? Should I just let my annoyance at friend X go and just put it down to her being a drunk twat? She made me feel like crap so I'm finding it hard to do that. Thing is, I would never repeatedly criticise someone the way she did, especially not a friend and they do say people speak their mind when they're drunk.

Is she regularly like this or was this the first time she’s behaved badly to you? I’d accept the apology and forgive her but not forget, then feel totally fine as the weeks pass. If there ever was a repeat I’d challenge her directly, turn the tables and ask her why she is being so unkind and tell her it reflects very badly on her. In short, crack on and enjoy the nights out with all your friends, dont dwell on her behaviour, acknowledge the apology and don’t let her poor behaviour hinder your enjoyment

She was a twat.

You were both drunk. That doesn't help either.

It sounds like your group is very invested in appearances. It's all a bit childish.

She sounds horribly insecure. I wouldn’t want to be around her much either (is she a good friend in some ways??) but it’d be a shame for you to lose the group. She needs to understand other people’s boundaries. What did you say when she apologised?

I totally understand why you’re upset an angry - that girl sounds like hard work. However if you cut everyone off because of her you’re cutting your nose off to spite your face. Also mightn’t that be hurtful to your other friends?

Just tell her straight if she starts that you’re not interested in her thoughts on your fashion sense, and if you wanted her advice you’d ask for it.

I sense jealousy and insecurity on her part. Growing up I met lots of girls like her. She is down and trying to comfort herself but rather than a heart to heart with a good friend she is pulling you down. Unnecessarily criticising you to make her feel artificially superior. Such bad taste.

Don’t stop hanging out with your friends. Say hello to her and engage is small talk if necessary but you know very well she isn’t a friend for life.
Be polite but ignore from now on.

I'm surprised you were allowed to go out on a school night.

The first thing I thought was that she thought you looked good and was jealous.

I can understand why you don't want to be around her. If this is her normal then it's different to a one off. However, I still don't think it means you have to be around her if you don't want.

In terms of the group, someone else stood up for you and told her she was out of order, so it sounds like her behaviour wasn't supported by someone else in that group, which is good. She also did apologise and assuming it was genuine, that's at least something.

Based on that I'd go to out with the group, but not pay her any real attention. And I wouldn't go out after with her again. If she comments on your appearance I'd shut her down immediately, "Come on Emily, leave my appearance alone." or similar. And say it with a smile. If she continues, leave.

It's a shame to give up the group because of one person - especially when someone from that group stood up for you, even if it was afterwards.

Assuming the group is more than four people it should be easy enough to not have to sit with or talk to her 1:1 again. This all sounds like sixth form college to me.

So she apologises and it's ok? Friends don't tear each other down to make themselves feel better. How old is she ? (Can be rhetorical).

I bet you looked lovely.

She didn't actually remember most of what she'd said but the other girl who was in the casino with us told her she'd said some out of order things to me that night.

I think she probably does remember. It's a good excuse isn't it?

She sounds like a nightmare. Especially considering she also wore a similar outfit. I think you're justified in keeping away from her.

You need to practise certain body language, OP, such as eye-rolling, an obvious deep breath, or a head tilt accompanied by narrowed eyes and pursed lips, so you can shut down this sort of nonsense on her part without having to explain to her that she's behaving badly, that she seems extremely insecure, that she needs to find something more in life than her appearance et cetera. That's for a psychologist to do; you're there to enjoy good times with the group.

This is what happens when you get trashed. You like to overshare. She probably thought she was helping you. Lol. I wouldn't throw away a good friendship over drunk chat. And if she's not a good friend, I probably wouldn't be bothered about hanging out with her anyway.

Of course keep going to the group activities. Just take 2 steps back from X who sounds like an idiot.

Don’t engage with any further talk about appearances, don’t answer texts asking what you’re wearing. If she starts drunken ranting again tell her she’s being boring and move away.

These evenings sound fun, but these don’t appear to be deep friendships, so don’t get hung up on them.

I think it says more about her than you. Are you all quite young? She sounds pretty insecure about her looks, especially with the boasting about men telling her she looks good or whatever. Seems like she needs people to boost her confidence and is looking in the wrong places and may have drunkenly taken her frustrations out on you. You sound more level headed and confident by far. What happened after her apology? I agree that it takes a lot to apologise to you face to face and not just text you a generic 'sorry, I was drunk'. Did she seem genuine? Do you think there's a chance of it happening again? I think you should go out next time for sure, be polite if you don't want to talk and stay closer to your other friends. You shouldn't miss out, but also, if she's a good friend previously, maybe she deserves a second (final) chance? Is this behaviour out of character?

Is it silly to stop going out with the group just because she'll be there?

Yes.
X is a silly bitch & not worth getting upset over.
It's understandable that you've opted out of a couple of recent get-togethers, but don't make a habit of cutting your nose off to spite your face.
The other friends in the group know what she is like - one of them even pulled her up on the remarks she'd made on the bowling night.

Next time she starts on you - don't respond by giving her detailed answers or trying to justify a single thing about yourself, Just tell her "X - I'm not interested in your opinion."
"X - shut the fuck up about my appearance, you are boring everyone to tears."
"X - this again? When are you going to stop being such a shallow twat?"

On repeat, until she actually gets it & stops needling you.
She only needles because she can get a rise out of you. So don't give it.

And have a read of this - outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/jade-dont-justify-argue-defend-explain

Thanks for all the responses, really appreciate it 💕.

Think everyone is right when saying I'd be cutting off my nose to spite my face if stop seeing the other girls as a group just because of her. I'll just keep any interaction with her civil and focus on the other people who are there.

She did apologise and it did seem genuine. I accepted her apology at the time and we hugged it out. She said she didn't really remember what was said so I told her. Maybe she did remember, maybe she didn't....personally I think she must remember SOMETHING but I guess that doesn't matter now. It was a one-off from X. She has given constructive opinions before when I've asked.

A few of you have commented saying the whole thing sounds immature and tbh if I was reading it I'd probably think the same. It does sound juvenile! The entire group ranges between late 20s and mid 30s. X is 28 and im 33 so we're definitely past the high school stage.

Don’t stop going out, but don’t end up late night drinking/alone with her. Bizarre, given she wore a similar outfit.