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Original poster

Messages from his ex

18 replies

PotatoGoblins · 15/02/2022 23:39

I’ve been seeing a wonderful guy for a few months. It’s going really well. He makes me so happy and the time we spend together is just blissful.
But recently I started getting Facebook message requests from his ex. They’ve been split for 11 years, were never married but have a teenage son together. From what I’ve been told by him and his son, she has a history of alcoholism and erratic, unstable behaviour. She’s been harassing him pretty much constantly since they split. He’s blocked her on all social media and has blocked her phone number multiple times but she somehow manages to call him (multiple SIM cards with different numbers maybe?). She will call him multiple times at stupid hours of the night, mostly just hurling abuse. She’s usually drunk when this happens.
From what he and his son have told me, she’s chased of every woman (which is only a handful) he’s ever been involved with since they split.
I received the first message last weekend while I was at work. She’s clearly heard through the grapevine that I’m seeing her ex, and wanted to confirm it Hmm I ignored the messsage request. She then went on a tirade of telling me what a shit person he is etc.
How do you deal with the fabled “crazy ex”?!
My plan is to just ignore. But she seems determined to cause drama as clearly she’s been successful in the past with her chosen strategies. I feel a bit sorry for her in a way because she obviously got her problems with addiction etc, and from what I’ve heard, doesn’t have much in the way of support from family or friends. But at the same time, I’m a bit Hmm at how someone can still behave like this over an ex they’ve been split up with for over a decade.
I’ve screenshotted the messages so I have them on record if this gets worse. Is ignoring the best course of action? Or will that just rile her into escalating it?!
I really like this guy. We work so well together, I don’t want it all going down the shitter because of an ex Confused

OP posts:
Keepitonthedownlow · 15/02/2022 23:41

Eventually you might be able to get an order to stop her contacting you and your DP. I don't think it's that difficult but don't have direct experience.

Keepitonthedownlow · 15/02/2022 23:46

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/law-and-courts/discrimination/taking-action-about-discrimination/taking-action-about-harassment/

If she breaches the restraining order she could go to jail. Have you asked your DP if he's applied for one? Perhaps in the past he was worried about child access but surely that is no longer an issue?

iwishu · 15/02/2022 23:49

It is unusual if it's been that long. If they've been on/off I'm that time, could explain why she's bitter. It is possible it's just her but as he's a new man, you're still getting to know him and trust what he says is true.

I wouldn't get involved personally, too much stress having an ex in the picture

Bogeyes · 15/02/2022 23:56

Ignore completely. She is hoping fo a reaction

RedSoloCup · 16/02/2022 00:03

Yep ignore and she'll give up! My iPhone has do not disturb so any numbers that aren't in my contact list can't phone me between 12-6 (you choose the times) which is helpful

TheFoundation · 16/02/2022 00:20

She will call him multiple times at stupid hours of the night, mostly just hurling abuse. She’s usually drunk when this happens

Why is he picking up?

Keepitonthedownlow · 16/02/2022 00:21

Seconding what @iwishu said, you only have his word for what's happened at this point. There may be more going on than he's told you, sadly.

TheFoundation · 16/02/2022 00:22

We work so well together, I don’t want it all going down the shitter because of an ex

It never could. It could only be because of his response to his ex. She has no power.

Original poster
PotatoGoblins · 16/02/2022 07:31

@TheFoundation The phone calls only happen when their son is with his dad. I’ve been there when this has happened. She will call his phone a few times, and then when he doesn’t answer, she will call her son claiming that she’s suicidal without him there etc - basically guilt-tripping a 13 year old over spending time with his dad which obviously upsets the boy. So he ends up answering in order to reassure his son.
It’s a sad state of affairs all round!

OP posts:
lunar1 · 16/02/2022 07:47

How often does he have his DS?

Planetzero1 · 16/02/2022 07:53

I’d run a mile sorry.

If it’s been going on for more than ten years there’s no chance it is going to change.

Original poster
PotatoGoblins · 16/02/2022 08:15

@lunar1 every weekend.

OP posts:
lunar1 · 16/02/2022 09:24

Run a mile, the relationship is new and you don't have all the information.

She is an alcoholic, unstable and has harasses your partner and multiple women over an 11 year period.

Yet she is still the resident parent. Something doesn't add up, and you don't need to make it your issue to fix or wade through.

Crumbs22 · 16/02/2022 12:04

This is really sad but I agree that you only have his version of events and no way would you want to get involved and hear the ex's side. This is not your problem. At all. Your relationship is new and it takes time to get to know someone AND their situation. He's had over a decade to deal with this and is very much something he needs to sort out for himself and their son.
He may be a great guy but is he worth how you are now being impacted? Personally this is too much drama for me at such an early stage of the relationship.

WildPoinsettia · 16/02/2022 18:01

The child is 13 so can surely choose to live with dad? I'd be going back to court for that to be put into place if I was him, then getting some sort of restraining order on the ex. This is your DP issue and he's choosing to not fix it and instead have others put up with the crap. So you're not splitting because of her but because of him.

Why isn't dad telling his son to switch off his phone when he's at dad's? Dad can provide him with an alternative phone and additional number to use for friends, a number which mum doesn't get given. Every friend given it by son is told not to give it to his mum under any circumstances. Dad could switch on son's phone before he walks back into mums house and delete any abusive/manipulation/threatening message or voicemails.

Then dad can not answer mums message/calls, knowing that son won't be affected by this decision.

Watchkeys · 16/02/2022 18:13

This is your DP issue and he's choosing to not fix it and instead have others put up with the crap. So you're not splitting because of her but because of him

This.

BertramLacey · 16/02/2022 18:43

Yet she is still the resident parent.

This is what stands out for me. My DP's ex has some issues, but they don't extend to addiction. Nonetheless, he has custody of their child. The only drama I get is if we have to change plans when she's had the DC for an overnight stay and things have broken down. But she never tries to contact me.

Something doesn't add up OP but even if he's telling the truth, this all still seems an awful lot of drama that I'd be very wary of. And I don't think he's telling the truth.

GotBeatenUp · 16/02/2022 19:04

I'm a 'crazy ex'. I am also 'an alcoholic'

I am not crazy or an alcoholic, but he was violent and abusive.

It's a red flag @PotatoGoblins. If she is crazy, she's still your DP's child's mother

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