Family just teasing... or too much?

[BrowLamination]

We’ve always had a jokey, taking the piss out of each other vibe in my family. And I was into that too but recently I’ve found they’ve hit home a bit more. Eg during the pandemic I’ve found it harder to maintain friends and am still struggling to get out much and see people. I’ve become more introverted and borderline depressed and so I’ve found it harder to go and meet people or go on dates. I haven’t really let on how much this gets to me so when I meet up with my family and they joke about me not leaving the house and being a hermit and having no life I laugh along but it does upset me. But I don’t feel I can say that without revealing how much I’m struggling, I don’t really feel comfortable to do that. I think with most things I’m spending too long overthinking it though - do you think I just ignore them or tell them how I feel?

Its always been this way so they mean no harm. Tell them to lay off. Xx

I think that if you want them to respect how you feel, you need to tell them how you feel. If you don't want to do that, then you need to respect how you feel, and stay away from them for a bit.

My point being, it's your responsibility to express and uphold your boundaries, it's not up to others to guess where your boundaries might have moved to, and tip toe around them.

Thanks for replies. I suppose I worry they will just take the piss more if I tell them to back off so I might just avoid them a bit.

Just say that you have struggled with the pandemic and that the 'jokes' are going too far.

I avoided mine because of what they said, and because I didn't say why they think it's because 'there is something wrong with her'

Each time I visited there would be a comment about my weight from my father - I'm thin so they would be along the lines of 'You look a lot better now you've put on some weight, you looked dreadful the last time I saw you' when I hadn't put on weight.

There's more and from other family members but you get the gist.

I wish I had said something

Is there one person you can confide in, and explain your concerns and also how their ribbing upsets you sometimes?

If you've always been a 'jokey' family they likely don't know they are upsetting you. As a pp said, you can't expect them to think about your feelings if they don't know what your feelings are.

Or is it more than that? Do you honestly think that they would enjoy upsetting you if they knew you were struggling?

For goodness sake just have a quiet word at a time when they're not joking and tell them how you feel. They're not psychic and they're not going to know they're upsetting you if you don't tell them. To just stop seeing them without giving them a chance to fix their behaviour frankly makes you the bad guy. It's reasonable to expect other people to respect your feelings but it's not reasonable to expect them to magically be able to tell what your feelings are without you actually communicating them.

They might well increase the teasing if they knew it got to you but its not a guarantee. IMO you should give them the chance and then avoid them if it does happen.

You sound depressed and I'm worried that the depression is telling you to isolate yourself further.

This happened to me. My family are a load of strong characters and love to poke fun at each other but I am sensitive and thin skinned compared to them and realised in my 20s that it was really affecting my self esteem. I started to gently challenge the teasing and when it didn't stop (they actually started teasing me about being difficult or sensitive) I stopped seeing them all. Then came comments about how I wasn't going to any family gatherings or joining in on holidays (luckily I have lovely in laws so spent a few Christmases in a row there) and I said "you all tease and male fin of me when I've said many times,I don't like it. Why would i spend time with people who make me feel bad about myself?" This worried my mum that I would cut them off/move closer to ILs who are abroad because she knows I get on well with my MIL and my ILs are a lovely respectful family so my mum started to shut down any teasing comments too. I always said i would never allow my kids to be teased by family and by doing that my family saw I meant it. Now things are lovely. Still prefer my ILs though

Why don't you feel comfortable telling them that actually you do feel you're becoming like a hermit. Ask them to do things with you to get out of the house. If you keep shying away from the problem, and it does sound like a problem for you, it's going to even harder to get out of the rut you're in.
If you just laugh along, how can they know they're hurting your feelings?

@BrowLamination

Thanks for replies. I suppose I worry they will just take the piss more if I tell them to back off so I might just avoid them a bit.

This is awful

I would write to them and tell them how you feel

Taking the piss as a routine thing rarely goes well.

If it's the kind of family you've always been and you usually join in then I don't think it's fair to expect them to know they're upsetting you without telling them.
My family are the same, we're always joking around and making fun but if any of us know that someone is actually struggling with something then it's off limits for joking and they would be supported.

Talk to them - if you just distance yourself and ignore them they won't know what they've done and you risk feeling more isolated/depressed.
Explain to them that the pandemic has been hard for you and it's a sensitive subject. They may be there willing to help and support you.

If you talk to them and tell them how you're feeling and they don't respect that and carry on making fun, then of course distance yourself and ignore - at least then they would know exactly why you have done it

I realised a while ago that my family can be like this. I know I can't change them and so I decided I would change how I was and try not to be engage in it. In their minds it's harmful banter but I think it can border on unkindness.

Like a previous poster, I am also a more thin skinned person in a family of teasers, and also the youngest.

I hated being teased. For me it felt like complete power imbalance. I think teasing was a way of keeping me in my place at the bottom of the hierarchy. I would often get upset, then be told I couldn't take a joke, or shouldn't be so sensitive. I distanced myself a lot. It was never me teasing any of them, and on a rare occasion f I did say something that hit the mark, I was called bitchy.

Only you know what the dynamics are. If it's about power play then take a big step away. If it's generally done equally and in the spirit of give and take, then I would have a quiet word with the most sympathetic one of them.

Incidentally, after years of believing that I was a bad sport about the teasing and had a poor sense of humor about it, I suddenly realised that I actually have a jokey and mutually respectful teasing relationship with friends and work colleagues , and it was only the family teasing that was so hard to take.

Tell them, they are not aware how much it’s affecting you.