DP and erection problems causing awkwardness. Anyone any tips?

[createdausername]

Me and DP have been together for nearly 20 years. We have had rough patches, but came through them and we are still pretty madly in love, which is good.

Recently however he has been having problems with keeping an erection. Things will start ok but after a couple minutes he loses a lot of it, and it takes a lot of effort to get it back, if at all. Happens with both oral and intercourse.

He's 44 and I first started noticing slightly less firm when he was about 40, but this is problematic.

I love him so much and it doesn't change how I feel about him, I've told him this but he keeps making disparaging 'jokes' about it and putting himself down a lot and saying he can't satisfy me.

The other issue is that I have changed quite a bit physically and lost most of my body confidence a couple of years ago. I feel unattractive, and it's honestly nothing which can be changed as it's medical. Due to steroid meds my hair has bald patches and I also have a bad 'mum tum' muscle separation. I can't help but wonder if my appearance putting him off is at least a partial factor. Although he says it's not me, it's nothing to do with my looks, I can't help but wonder. It is objectively unattractive.

He keeps trying different things and then saying he feels a failure when I don't orgasm like I used to the first couple of years. I keep explaining it's not him it's my self confidence. I can't completely let go because I feel unattractive and I didn't have that problem when we met. Also I faked it for the first couple of years I suppose because I was young (late teens) and didn't know what worked for me, didn't want to seem like that woman who can't orgasm and it just sort of grew legs. Although I started having genuine orgasms a couple of years in and haven't faked it for many many years. I only manage to orgasm say 1 in 10 times, and it isn't him it's me, it is great but mentally I can't often 'get there'. I don't think coming clean about that would help now, but it does set a bar for what he thinks we were like at the start.

He refuses to go to a doctor. About anything really, not just this. I've suggested it, told him it could be a warning sign and he won't. Says he doesn't want to try viagra unless it never works.

Our sex life is getting really awkward and a bit of a minefield. The emotional connection and will is there and and a lot of love and it's obvious we both really want to have sex, but it's so awkward with his erection issues and my insecurities.

If you've made it to the end of this, I'd love any advice!!

Viagra is definitely the way forward after the age of forty!

Aw.... You guys sound sweet ( not trying to diminish your worries). What I got from your post is that you are both getting a bit older, you are both getting a bit insecure, but still very much care for each other.

Talk to each other. If you feel the same about him, even though he has his issues, do you think, maybe he feels the same about you, no matter what is happening to the outer package?
Talk to him, and believe him when he says he still finds you attractive ☺️

OP, it’s important that he DOES go to the GP.
Erectile dysfunction can be an early sign of heart disease - the artery in the penis can fur up in the same way as the coronary arteries.
He should go and get a blood pressure and cholesterol check, and also a blood glucose, as erectile problems can also be due to diabetes.
Once the GP has checked for treatable conditions, she/he can prescribe drugs such as Cialis or Viagra to deal with the ED.
Good luck - you may need to do some firm chivvying to persuade him along to the surgery!

I'd say to him, "Why don't we try some viagra?". Both of you own the problem, rather than for it being for him to solve. You can order it online, so no embarrassment necessary.

Good luck! 😊

Viagra is the way forward. You won’t look back!

@StripyOnesie I might suggest viagra to him again. I'm not sure if he would have a hang up about 'needing something' , but maybe he'd be ok with it. One thing about viagra which concerns me is that I read it makes a man last longer. I have a condition which is aggravated by too much sex and if it took ages then I'd get really sore and possibly a kidney infection. Does it make it difficult for the man to finish? I think I will look into this.

@spotcheck Thanks, yes we've had our bad patches and split briefly twice, but so far have always come through them and both still get all the butterflies at times and I grin from ear to ear at the prospect of going to the supermarket with him or something (!), we bounce off each other and laugh so much together. We have DC together who are growing up now and don't need so much. I don't want these issues to come between us, but yeah it's becoming really awkward.

I second a general check up, apparently erection issues can be the canary in the coal mine for cardio vascular issues.

Try the viagra 😉

It could also be a hormonal problem.
Some men can experience a drop in testosterone which can cause problems with erections as tiredness, lethargy and other symptoms.
It's usually diagnosed with blood tests etc and is treatable with testosterone replacement treatments.

@Babdoc Thanks, I have heard about it being an early warning sign for some of these potentially serious problems. I have tried to get him to go to the doctors but he is so resistant to it, for anything. Has been like twice in 20 years!! Maybe if I insist he goes to 'rule out' these things, he might. Are there any blood tests involved in any of the tests? BP he's ok with but he is scared of needles, would probably be okay with the finger prick thing?
He was a very heavy drinker for many years but quit last year (hopefully for good) when his toe got swollen and extremely extremely painful in episodes which lasted weeks each (again still didn't go Dr!!) and it seems to have eased. The erection issue is actually worsened / really started since he stopped drinking.

The swollen toe sounds like gout. He could have had that treated and spared himself all the pain, the silly man!
Cholesterol and fasting blood lipids do require a blood test, yes, but it’s just a momentary pin prick sensation. Far less painful than his toe!
Tell him to grow up and get along to the GP pronto. It’s high time he started treating his health problems as an adult.

I think you having an orgasm only 1 in 10 times is a much much bigger issue. I think if you expected to every time, you'd naturally become more confident but appreciate it's hard to get from one place to the other. I truly don't think your weight has anything to do with his erectile dysfunction. I say that from my own perspective, that I don't 'fancy' my DH but do want and enjoy sex with him (because I know it will reliably result in an orgasm for me not just him). You are selling yourself short here, seeking advice about his issue but not the one that affects you.

Do you have difficulty having an orgasm on your own too? Have you tried mutual masturbation, or a vibrator? If he can rely on the back up of a vibrator or you helping yourself along manually in different positions it will take the pressure off him keeping his erection, and less anxiety means it is less likely to happen.

OK, so Please tell him, as a man, your erections change after 40. Thats a fact of life, they are less frequent, less firm. Thats kinda awful as a guy. But you can still have a great sex life after 40. He has to go to the GP to rule out cardio issues. Then he has to realise that pleasure needs to change, sex can be more fun, more fantasy, less penis focussed. Its really essential that you both talk openly about this- you are both changing so embrace it. Tell him he is great, take the pressure off his penis. Ive been there, felt weird using viagra and cialis- it passed, I got my confidence back and dont use it anymore but it was great for confidence. I found cialis better as it had less side effects and lasted a few days- if he was diabetic he would take insulin, if asthmatic an inhaler- take viagra or cialis and enjoy sex. Dont let it get in the middle of your relationship. Couple positive, ethical porn and Esther Perel podcasts were good for us too. Good luck!

@Babdoc I will keep trying to get him to get the blood test. He has this attitude (I think coming from fear) that nothing can be 'wrong' with him that he can't fix by being healthier, and he hates the thought of 'needing' medication. Hopefully I can insist he gets these things checked.

@user6573 Thanks. I'm not sure why I have trouble orgasming tbh. I got together with him when I was 19, before that I had a few relationships. The longest 2 years 16-18, and quite a few short flings. I think I only orgasmed with a man like once before I met him, it was like a one off fluke!! I spent the first 2/3 years of our relationship almost entirely faking it, because I really loved him and felt like I was 'weird' not to finish.
It's not weight with me, it's hair loss due to steroids I need to take, although I appreciate what you are saying. His physical body 'look' is not a huge part of orgasm for me either, there are other more important things.
No I don't have any problem with orgasm on my own, it's only with someone else. I'm not sure why. I think when I was younger it was due to inexperience and just not knowing enough about what makes me tick or having not enough connection to the person, and now I do know but it is caused by self consciousness about my (quite significant) flaws.
He recently started initiating oral on me way more which had gotten rare over the years, and different non penetration stuff and I think that's because he is trying to improve things. Hopefully we can fix this.

I would start with an at home kit that can test his testosterone levels. You do the test at home and send it away to get the results. He needs to stop being such a baby about this.

@ThisisMax Thanks. I think that's mostly what we are both trying to do, to move into a bit of a different stage in life and figure out what sex will look like for us now. But we are kind of getting stuck at our separate issues. I think he'd be open to trying a little viagra and hopefully it would increase his confidence, which has taken a bashing I think. After the losing erection happened a few times last year, he avoided sex for a while and made excuses.
I've watched Esther Perel and I found it useful, but porn I would just compare myself with other women so would make things worse.

A healthy man in his mid 40s should still have both desire and ability. But the inability to perform can lead to a downward spiral - you don't perform so you become stressed about it and this makes it even more difficult to perform. As he has a history of heavy drinking he should certainly have a check up to make sure there are no underlying physical issues but assuming that it all OK then its a matter of rebuilding confidence for both of you. Viagra could help with that. But don't give up, there's no rule that says sex should stop at any given age, we're a lot older than you and still DTD regularly.

You do sound like a lovely couple OP . It is almost certainly an issue that the gp can advise on . I think your idea about insisting he get those other health issues checked might be a good start and pave the way for further help .

[quote createdausername]@ThisisMax Thanks. I think that's mostly what we are both trying to do, to move into a bit of a different stage in life and figure out what sex will look like for us now. But we are kind of getting stuck at our separate issues. I think he'd be open to trying a little viagra and hopefully it would increase his confidence, which has taken a bashing I think. After the losing erection happened a few times last year, he avoided sex for a while and made excuses.
I've watched Esther Perel and I found it useful, but porn I would just compare myself with other women so would make things worse.[/quote]
Thats all good. On the porn I meant that real couples with real bodies is probably best. Guys get body confidence issues too! But if you prefer not then try other things. Important GP sees him tho. I would start with cialis first- viagra gave me flushing and headaches and was a bit of a pain to take it pre sex. Cialis is better for a long term effect. Good luck!