My friend doesn’t approve of my relationship

[Mindymandymoo]

I made the mistake of telling my best friend negative things in my relationship over the course of 13 months, and ranting to her if we’d have an argument or I wasn’t happy about something. (All minor nothing serious)
I regret doing this because now of course she sees my boyfriend in a negative light as I rarely mentioned the positives to her and I guess used her as a punch bag when I needed to vent.
We are in a good place in our relationship now and we are happy, but understandably my friend only remembers the negatives and doesn’t want to be involved. I respect her decision but I feel sad they will never meet and we will never go out or ‘double date’.
I know over time things might change but I’m also overwhelmed with guilt towards my boyfriend for telling her private things we should have dealt with alone without a third party knowing things I shouldn’t have said to anyone.
I haven’t mentioned anything negative for some time and I’ve apologised to them both and now want to move forward with a fresh start. My boyfriend is understanding and knows when he has upset me I turn to my friends but it’s not that simple with my friend.
I know I made a mistake and now I’m paying the price but how can I deal with this moving forward as our friendship isn’t quite the same anymore.

Why don't you have a proper conversation with your friend and explain all of this? If you really believe you and your boyfriend are happy for the most part. I would explain to her that you needed someone to vent to but you realise you may have taken it a little far. Ask her to give him a chance and maybe do plan a group activity where she can meet him and actually get to know him for herself? I think many of us are guilty of oversharing the bad things with friends, but so long as he hasn't been abusive or cheated etc I don't think it is unreasonable to expect your friend to reconsider how she feels about him.

If she is a real friend she will only want what is best for you and should be willing to put in this effort to make you happy. That being said, make sure you don't now continue to slag him off!

The only reason I'd refuse to spend time with my best friends boyfriend would be if he was abusive/manipulative/cheated.

If he was just a bit of a knob I'd suck it up.

What kind of things have you told her?

I'm thinking it's possible you've minimised the things your boyfriend has done, while your friend sees the red flags you're ignoring.

How many arguments were you having in the first year of your relationship? Its not common to be having lots.

I agree with what kinds of things have you told her. It’s hard to know who is at fault without this detail. Is it he refuses to eat at Nandos or I always have to eat where he wants. Or is it I wanted a mini break and he doesn’t? Or is it he tell me what to wear, tries to stop me spending time with my friends types issues?

It depends on what you told her. I can't think of anything I could tell my friends about DP that would have them even raise an eyebrow. A friend of mine is in a volatile relationship and based on the things she's told me about her boyfriend I have no interest in ever spending time with him. It doesn't mean he's always bad but how he acts towards her when they have a disagreement is not something I want to be around. She regularly says to me that she wished she hadn't told me all these things as now I don't want to meet him. Well, no, I don't want to meet him because he is a complete cock who gets off on putting her down and having her grovelling to keep the peace when he is the one kicking off. Personally I'd see the fact that your friend doesn't want to get to know him as a bit of a red flag. I'm sure she knows and understands the difference between venting about a decent man and venting about a dick.

I could be wrong of course...

It depends on what you told your friend but also, if she has had negative relationships herself then she might project her own feelings too.

Grow up, take responsibility for your own relationships, and sort things out with your bloke instead of whining to your friends about him

Was abuse involved?

What kind of thing are you talking about? Either she’s over reacting or you should take it as a red flag if your friend feels that strongly

From the limited amount you've written in your op it sounds like you've given her a legitimate reason not to like your BF, and she cares because she's thinking of your best interests.

unfortunatly this will happen , i worked and was friends with someone like you a bit , her husband was exrtremly controlling , expected her undivided attention to him when they were together , she could barely talk on the phone to anyone who rang her because he got the arse , cheated on her twice , believed that a womans purpose was to serve her man , chained to the kitchen sink and have sex whenever he wanted it etc , i honestly dont know how the hell she spent all those years with him , and yet although she complained about him often ,she was devoted to him . it was hard to listen to the moaning when frankly because all i used to think was that shed wasted years letting him take her for a mug and in the end im sorry to say you just turn off from it because you have already formed a dislike of the person

Well either she is over reacting and isnt a great friend. Or you are minimising his behaviour and pretending everything is great, when your history shows its a shit show and she doesn't want to socialise with him.

Thanks for replies
There isn’t any abuse or controlling behaviour involved at all, as I said the arguments were over minor petty issues and I’d get fed up and moan to my friend, for example I once said we had to rearrange a date because of work even though he knew we’d planned it for a while so I a bit annoyed as he could have warned me, she immediately said he must be cheating or lying to avoid the date (he isn’t like that but I feel like I have to defend him non stop)
Her issue I think is where I have done this regularly over the year and it’s understandably made her fed up hearing about him and our relationship but the negativity is bringing me down in an otherwise happy relationship
She knew we were going out for my birthday at the weekend and didn’t ask how it went or what we done, I know she was busy as she was away for a christening but it hurt that she never used to be like this and I can only presume it’s because I have vented to her so often that she doesn’t care any more
I feel terrible of course but I know I’m never in the right so if she started to pull away she’d tell people I dumped her for a boyfriend as the reason so I don’t know what else to do for things to go back how they were

She doesn't trust him if she thinks he's messing you around because he's cheating. Has he rearranged more than one date?

No it rarely happens but this was one of the first vents and she immediately jumped to conclusions, I know he was working over time for a fact and I do trust him but the way she plants doubts in my head is hurtful
There was a time we went away for the week and our first night he was so tired he fell asleep in the early evening, I was texting my friend and made a joke about how the nights over now and she said he obviously wanted to avoid sex with me because he’s not invested in a future with me
Little comments like that basically, I know I’m not going into too much detail I just feel really silly to feel like she’s making personal digs rather than just being annoyed at hearing me have a moan for typical things that can pop up in any relationship any time

Oh she just sounds nasty and jealous with those comments

I am going to be honest. This doesn't really make sense.

You moan alot and rarely say anything positive about him. But you don't moan that often and it's nothing important.

You moan at her, then don't like her responses. But kept doing it anyway and then blame her for putting doubts in your head. Even though you know you won't like her responses.

I get the impression you want people to validate that she isn't a good friend and your relationship is fine. If that's how you feel, that how you feel. Distance yourself from her and stop using her to moan at.

* We are in a good place in our relationship now a*

How long has it been “good”

13 months is a looong time

* She knew we were going out for my birthday at the weekend and didn’t ask how it went or what we done, I*

Oh come on

She is a good friend she’s been through a lot of terrible situations with me in the past as I have her and that’s why it hurts, if it was someone else I wouldn’t speak to them again but I want to hold onto our friendship
I was single for 6 years so she hasn’t seen me with a boyfriend for that long and as soon as I told her I’d met him the comments began
I haven’t said anything negative about him for a few months as the last time I said I didn’t think I wanted a relationship as it’s too time consuming and I’m bored of staying home, she said yes that’s for the best because he’s not the one and he’s probably a loser. I don’t want to argue with her so I ignore her comments. Since then I barely hear from her.
I know I shouldn’t have been so negative about him and I regret it, but as women do we just rant at each other about things that piss us off and that’s all I was doing. If I was confiding in abuse I’d understand but I’ve never given her a reason to think he’s nasty, cheating, a loser or anything else she’s called him. I want them to get on and not lose either of them, I’m very close with his family now and he most definitely is the one.

Op
How long has it been “good”

I know I shouldn’t have been so negative about him and I regret it, but as women do we just rant at each other about things that piss us off and that’s all I was doing

Really? Women don't rant. People do.

But people also usually share the good things as well. So we're there no good things? Or do you just have that sort of relationship where you moan at her?

Its was so shit, you were going to dump him? Not sure you are looking at this with a realistic view

so anything you moaned about to her, she immediately jumps on and turns into something really bad, like he's cheating or is avoiding sex.
sounds to me like she is jealous and liked it better when you were single for 6 years.