I think I’ve just left my husband.

[Federal]

Well I’ve told him we are done at least but in my heart it isn’t what I want.

DH is extremely laid back. Great when I get overwhelmed (i suffer from depression) but awful in every day life. I have to make every decision from what takeaway to have to what to do/where to go on a weekend. It’s tiring and boring and not what I imagined an equal partnership to be like.

I also don’t feel loved. I don’t need roses every day, but some affection, some nice gestures, some taking control once in a while.

DH can’t see this. He sees going to work, doing the DIY (we are in a doer upper), cooking dinner and taking the kids swimming as showing his love. Which it is, and I appreciate it, (although I also do all that plus more) but I have also explained how I need more.

We only ever have sex if I initiate it. He is pretty much always willing, except when exhausted, but just will not make the first move.

I’ve explained how all this feels, how I feel not valued, not loved, saddened by the lack of effort he puts into the relationship, but he just can’t see it.

I do suspect he is on the spectrum, so I’ve suggested how he could make me feel better (suggest an early night, offer a massage, sort out the car insurance) but nothing.

Have I massively overreacted or not? I love him so much, but it all just makes me so sad and lonely.

Only you know what you need and if you are repeating yourself to him and not being heard then you are doing the right thing.

Relationships are a compromise, a constant balance of taking care of each, one self and what comes into the relationship. If things go amiss such as a acknowledgment of your needs and intimacy, then it’s so easy for the other things to slip. You only get one life and spending it unhappy, or continuously nudging the other half towards your needs, it’s bound to chip away at you.

Breaking up the marriage may be the last resort, specially if you love your husband. Perhaps counselling can work, or try and get time away from everything if possible, just the two of you to see if you can align yourselves again.

Thanks. You’re right.
With my depression, I do have to wonder if what I am feeling is ‘right’ sometimes, and I know I often can’t see the good and concentrate on the bad, but it is truly disheartening when you feel like you are the only making any effort in a relationship.

DS is on the spectrum. You might not want to manage a DH this way, but I just tell him straight -
It is my birthday on Wednesday next week. You will need to get me a card and a present. A box of chocolates or a bunch of flowers, about a tenner. 😂