This marriage worth trying to save?

[Rollypolllllly]

We have two young children and will have been married 10 years this year.

The last few years we’ve done nothing but bicker. Covid has been tough for us financially and job-wise. Things I wanted (work) haven’t come off, same for him. I think it turned us on each other.

We’ve had other issues too - me not liking his parenting style for one.

The romance is utterly dead. I’m not attracted to him anymore.

But we have little kids. And we do get along really well when we try.

We’re talking seriously about a divorce. But every time I look at my children I want to cry - they will be so, so heartbroken. And it’ll be really tough coparenting.

Should we try harder? How do I know if the marriage is totally dead?

How young are the children?
What would separated finances look like? Can you both keep a relatively ok standard of living if you divorce?
Why will it be tough to co-parent?

Divorce is no walk in the park. Nor is dating post divorce. Nor is getting used to 50/50 (or whatever contact schedule you agree on). So there are lots of things to consider.

However, there are also many upsides to consider, including not exposing children to unhappy/ bickering parents. And kids do hear everything.

Is counselling an option?

Better to be apart than to be together and miserable as you are now. Let each other go whilst you and he are still to some extent amicable.

Staying for the sake of the children here is not a good idea. Do not further do your bit here to show your children that such a loveless marriage like you describe could be their norm too. They cannot and must not be used as the glue here to bind you and he together.

The kids are 4 and 7. We will have a split pot of about £300k (I don’t even know how it works!) to use as a deposit for whatever we separately buy. He earns well, I have been a SAHM for 7 years, on and off (have freelanced as a sideline for years). So I will have to find a proper full time job and I’m not in an very highly paid career.

We’ll have to leave london and relocate somewhere we both agree on and a new school for older dc etc.

I feel like I never want to date again.

We get nasty with each other sometimes. That’s what I dread about coparenting.

Counselling would be possible? I don’t know how DH feels about it, or whether therapy would make me more angry somehow?!

We had sex therapy once before (that I didn’t want to have, but this was about 10 years ago) and I just felt raging being there.

Any more advice? Feeling so down today.

The last two years have been tough on so many people in so many different ways. Having small children and juggling everything you need to do is not easy at the best of times, never mind in a world pandemic.

As someone who's been married for several decades, what I would say is this. We have found so often over the years that when we have looked at what was causing problems in our relationship, it was external factors and not us per se. Once we had identified that, we could address it together.

Is there any way you could sit down together and have a calm conversation about things and take it from there? Are you both basically still on the same team? It has to be worth a try at least, and then depending on how that goes you can take it from there. Good luck.

2 parents being apart and happy is better for the children than them being in the middle of an unhappy marriage that turns toxic...ive been there n didnt take my own advice...wish id have done it 10 years ago

I don't think you can get answer on mumsnet. Those who left will tell you to leave. Those who are toughing it out will be you to try counselling. Those whose fathers left them when young will tell you to stay etc etc...

Only you know what the reality of the choices are.

I will say that we ask so much if marriage so much nowadays, is it any surprise relationships fail? Pre-boomer men would have less to do with the family, would drop into the pub every night, be out at work all day. We've been living through a pandemic where many of us have been with our spouses 24/7. It's bloody hard!

With my mum's generation I've noticed that some of her friends marriages that were in a bad way when the kids were growing up are now pretty happy. It's interesting. I guess the pressure of raising a family together just makes everything so difficult.

I'm not very happy at the moment, but I can also see we might be quite decent companions when the kids take off in 10 years time. For me that's probably worth sticking around for.

Hope you find a way through.

If you want to demonstrate to your children that an adult relationship is 2 people forcing themselves to be happy together when they'd rather be elsewhere, stay.

If you want to demonstrate to your children that emotionally healthy adults walk away from unhappy relationships, leave.

Your children will replicate what you demonstrate to them, throughout their adult lives.

Ok. As someone divorced (and my children were not too dissimilar an age when I divorced), my advice is this.

If there is anything left and any chance of making this work, get to counselling. If the two of you are committed to be open about the issues between you, then counselling will help you both reach a decision about what you look like. Whether that decision is together or apart, counselling is critical.

As much as people talk about leaving and modelling healthy relationships (which is very true btw), the other side of divorce isn’t easy IME. And I am talking as someone who has a good career, is completely financially independent and has a very amicable co-parenting relationship with my exh (which given the circumstances of our divorce is nothing short of miraculous).

The children do miss whichever parent isn’t there. They do miss the family. But equally, they are resilient and if the conflict between parents is minimal then they do ok. Dating isn’t easy, nor is ‘blending’ (hate that word). I have no intention of living with anyone again, certainly until my kids are fully fledged independent adults. Everything falls to me, there is no extra pair of hands to help with house admin, to call the insurance company when a leak sprouts…you get what I mean.

On the flip side? My children now have two very healthy and happy parents. Who are respectful, kind and boundaried with each other. What my exh and I model now is far better than what we had been modelling in the final year/ few years of our marriage. And our children had picked up on our bickering, a few years after my divorce my eldest commented ‘I wasn’t surprised mummy, you and daddy had been arguing a lot.’ My exh and I thought we had shielded them from our arguments, however we hadn’t. They lay awake listening to us and knew we weren’t happy with one another.

There is no easy answer when LO’s are involved. But the one thing my exh and I fortunately agreed on when separating is that our children were our prority, and that’s what we ensured we did from therein.

There is sadly no golden bullet/ magical answer here. I’ve been divorced / separated over 6 years now and I still have moments of sadness that we ended up where we did. Am I happy? Absolutely. Is it hard? Yes.

I agree with sassbott. Do counselling whatever. Either the counsellor will help you to work on and resolve issues, or your way out of the relationship will become clearer and they can hopefully help smooth that path a little.

Sadly it was too little, too late for my relationship. Dh had already checked out. However it did help me to realise this and make the hard decisions.

@sassbott

There is sadly no golden bullet/ magical answer here. I’ve been divorced / separated over 6 years now and I still have moments of sadness that we ended up where we did. Am I happy? Absolutely. Is it hard? Yes.

Also this. Three years on and I still grieve losing my children's nuclear family (rather than my ex himself, as a person), but I'm also happier with my new situation. It is hard though.

The children won't be heartbroken. They will be ok. They'll be less ok if you split when they are older.

The children will be more heartbroken if you stay
And their childhood memories are of their parents being unhappy, distant & fighting
They will feel the tension
It is impossible not to absorb the tension when you're with a couple who clearly don't like each other
When your children grow up & leave you are stuck with your partner
Having wasted your best youthful years on them
You will be even more scared to start all over again
You will feel trapped & dissatisfied with your life
Your children will inevitably tell you they had an unhappy childhood
You will then tell them how you did it all for them & martyred yourself
They will not thank you
They may even resent you more for telling them it's essentially their fault you stayed
Feel the fear & do it anyway
IMO

There’s no perfect answer to this, but I’d say if you get on well when you try, then yes it’s absolutely worth a blast to try and save it - assuming he feels the same way.

Getting into action will make you feel better, so talk to him about you feel, ask how he feels, and book some marriage counselling.

You may or may not decide to stay married, but understanding each other better will help you co-parent better if you do separate.

Sex you can also work on. Personally I think you have to schedule it when you have kids, unsexy though that sounds. But worry about building up
Intimacy later, focus on the big picture for now.

If you decide to separate, then at least you both have a deposit and you have a career to return to. I would also start building up your network now, and doing whatever you can to make sure you max your earnings. If you feel it’s not going well I’d also see a solicitor on the quiet to see how finances will be split, this will help you start to plan.

The main thing is to take action.

The sooner you do it for the kids the better, if it’s going to happen.

Thank you everyone. I’ve read every single one of these replies. I’m really confused at the moment - and I will seek out counselling to start as soon as we can.

DH is very cold and distant this morning. It’s not a great way to live.

Can anyone advise on where to start looking for couples therapy? I went to Google but there is almost too much!!

@Rollypolllllly

Can anyone advise on where to start looking for couples therapy? I went to Google but there is almost too much!!

Do you have a therapy centre near you? I live in a city and there are a few places which are like centres where a lot of different therapists use the rooms.

If there is somewhere like that near you they might be worth contacting, as they will either be able to recommend one of their therapists or help you find something suitable.

You can also try the BACP website:

www.bacp.co.uk/search/Therapists

Relate is where a lot of couples go. Also the site that @cookiemonster2468 has posted is great (make sure you use someone accredited).

Hopefully your DH will be up for taking this step.

What do you feel confused about? One thing I will say is it’s very easy to say LTB, when the cold hard reality is something you will need to go through. It is a process, it is not straightforward nor is either outcome the magical resolution.

Better to split when they're younger. Early teenage years is what causes the major issues (IME - eating disorders, depression, self harm etc).

So I have been with my husband 11 years married 5, have a DS aged 19 months. I am currently going through the motions of a divorce after what I can describe as the worst year of my life. Sadly I lost my dad last year, had to find another job due to difficulties with childcare at work and lost a pregnancy. My husband did nothing and I mean nothing at home, night feeds, cleaning etc. don’t get me wrong he works hard no denying that but my alarm bells rose when he became moody towards me, carried his phone everywhere with him and wouldn’t sit in the same room as me when at home. When I asked him for help he wouldn’t and he would say things like he couldn’t stand me and he hated me, with me for our son amongst other things. Anyway fast forward to now and I have told him enough is enough after I caught him out at Xmas lying meeting a ‘colleague’ for coffee.

I have commenced divorce and the house is up for sale as I just realised after an argument I deserved better. Anyway he now realises he has fucked up and is trying everything to get me to change my mind. My gut tells me to continue but it’s just so hard. Do things ever change? I can’t forget all of the abusive things he said to me