How do you let go of bitterness?

[SourBitterSweet]

Long story, very short, I am 9 years post separation/divorce from abusive narc XH and 2 years no contact. He has phone contact with the youngest DC only (and can’t even keep up to that) because he abandoned his contact case before an order was made.

I’ve come to realise I’m traumatised by what he put us through both during and after our relationship ended. Memories of things that happened transport me right back to that place. Sometimes, I lie awake raging against him with fantasies of revenge or his well deserved downfall. I go through phases of being consumed by my hatred for him, experiencing grief whenever things go well for him.

I think what I can’t get over is the unfairness of it all. Not to mention that I’m having to deal with the fallout of his abuse on our DC, he withholds money as a form of punishment and I’ve just found out he’s quit his job (again) to avoid paying CM. He’s already in £1000s of arrears. With the cost of living crisis, I’m seriously worried about how we’re going to manage now. And he wins because he’s happiest when I’m suffering.

I really don’t want to feel like this anymore. It’s been almost a decade since I left and he still takes up so much headspace. I want to be free of him. How do you let go of bitterness?

Focus on making yourself happy. And once you're happy, focus on making yourself happier. Happy people aren't bitter.

It is unfair, but that's how life is. You're not the only one who's been through it. You weren't the first and you won't have been the last. Unfair things and abusive relationships happen to loads of people all the time. Accept this.

Above all, take him out of all your references to the past. It's not that he abused you, it's that you had an abusive relationship. He's not withholding your money, your money is being withheld.

Nobody wins anything when you suffer. That's in your head, and only exists for as long as you create a win/lose battle between the two of you in your imagination.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I would suggest counselling to help shift your mindset. And finding things to do that are just for you, to fill the space that anger and sadness currently occupy. It’s not easy of course but it’s important to resist bitterness remaining with you in the long term. Good luck 💐

Sounds just like my ex husband!!?? Apart from he has a no contact order regarding the children. We now have no contact at all with him but I'm still traumatized by it all and think about it regularly. But I would say I'm not particularly bitter or angry towards him. I feel a huge degree of sadness for the children, but I don't feel anything for him. Regardless of the unfairness of it all and being the only parent 24/7. I'm happy I get to see the children grow up, something he won't do. So to me I think of his life as pretty shxt. It doesn't matter what he does or where he goes, it's meaningless. His life has no meaning. That's good enough for me. X

I heard a couple of things when I was post seperation and divorce. They might sound trite if they have not come at the right time. But just in case it IS the right time:

1. Jealousy (bitterness?) is like swallowing poison and expecting the other person to die
2. Success is the best form of revenge.

I am still practisisng the second one!

I know this is a crumb but my ex built up a backlog of debt with cms. It took until our dd was 28 for him to pay off. Bastard.
I also have had the laying awake. I find reading a book until I am tired enough to sleep helpful. Planning my day and making my home the best I can for dd takes up time I am not wasting on thinking about ex. Interestingly, with work and UC top up, I am now better off than when ex was p*ssing money up the wall. I am not worrying about his debts now either.
A romance or two may have taken my mind off him aswell.
How are you distracting yourself @SourBitterSweet ?