Being supporting and avoiding resentment

[Valdes]

My DP has had a super rough 2 years. I know it's been tough for everyone but he was working so many extra hours in a key worker role, he was really worried about ill family members getting sick and he had a death in his friends group.

He ended up getting signed off for 4 months last year due to poor mental health. He was completely ill, not sleeping, anxious and emotional over small things (not like him at all!) and really worried about 'letting people down'.

I'm the breadwinner so carried on working and tried to support as best as I could (picked up all housework etc)

His GP was really good and suggested he consider an ADHD assessment due to other symptoms. We did this privately due to the timelines and he was diagnosed and is now medicated.

Unfortunately, due to the time off, he has lost his job entirely (we have a grievance in place). The meds definitely help but he's struggling with side effects and finding a dosage that works. He's still very raw and I think struggling with everything that's happened which is totally understandable.

And this sounds entirely selfish but I'm absolutely shattered. I'm working 50 hour weeks, feeling the stress of being the only income when we bought a house just 2 years ago and I've just had a day off work yday that I spent doing all the house admin that had piled up (post office runs, renewing our house insurance, clearing out the garage etc).

I don't resent him, I know he needs this time to recover, I don't think he's 'putting it on' and want him to be fit and healthy.

At the same time, I'm really worried that if this carries on, I will resent him. I hate saying it and feel like a horrible person.

Any thoughts?

I honestly don't have any experience but I couldn't read and run. It sounds incredibly difficult. Not sure how relevant this is but I see a lot of flyers and information for support for carers at my local GP - is this something you can look into (because you are, in effect, a carer)?

Financially, is there any flex that would allow you to buy in some help? Or, if you work for a corporate, are there any corporate schemes you could access?

Obviously he's struggling, which you want to be supportive of, but what about seeing if there is a way for him to take on one or two specific things. If he genuinely wants to be better etc, perhaps that gives him a small goal to work towards rather than suddenly attempting to do all the things all the time? In my experience with people who are ill - whether that's physical or mental health - they WANT to do more. So offering something manageable and doable is helpful. Unfortunately, I also have met many people who have used ill health as an opportunity to simply opt out of everything.

I think it would be a really good idea to stop judging yourself negatively for being at the limit of your patience here. You're picking up all the slack for the two of you, do you think you shouldn't be tired/fed up?

Can you take the 'personal' out of it, to enable you to feel your feelings without guilt? ie it's the situation you're both in that's exhausting you, rather than 'he is ill and his illness is making me exhausted'?

Feeling shattered is bad enough on its own, as is dealing with the entire management of the household, as is having an ill partner. You don't need to pile a bunch of negative self judgment on top of that.

What does he think of the situation you're both in? What's he doing with his recovery time?

Thank you both for such quick responses!

@BlingLoving I'd never really considered it as caring - he doesn't need personal care or that kind of thing but I do medication reminders etc. Looking into this a bit more sounds like a good idea - thank you! He is grateful for me picking things up and would like to build back up but I think he's struggling with the basics of getting himself showered and going outside at the min.

@TheFoundation thank you. I just feel bad that I'm even mentioning the word resentment. I know if it was the other way around he'd do it all. He isn't getting a lot of support from family or friends as it isn't a physical issue that they can see. And that's impacting him too I think.

He sees the imbalance and feels bad about it. But it's difficult to see a solution. Money is not great now we're down to one income but equally I'm working a lot of hours to ensure I pass my probation which is even more important now.

He's sleeping a lot, learning more about ADHD and trying out possible management techniques. He's recently started going outside a bit more for walks but it's very early days.

www.england.nhs.uk/commissioning/comm-carers/carers/

You are a carer. If he is as ill as you say, without you he would not eat, live in a clean environment, have a roof over his head etc? That means you're a carer. If, for example, you couldn't cope and chose to leave him, could he survive? So, abusive soon-to-be-ex BIL makes SIL treat him as if she's his carer, does nothing etc. But once she finally tosses him out, he can and will function without her.

I know if it was the other way around he'd do it all

But would you expect him to not get tired and overwhelmed eventually?

You're both right, thanks for holding up the mirror!

I'm hoping he's back on his feet soon, it's horrible seeing him so defeated. And unfortunately life keeps on going outside so the normal family/work issues still arise. I don't know how long term carers do it!

Any tips on managing is greatly appreciated

I think you need to carve out some time to take care of yourself and have some down time. You could write lists with columns such as what HAS to be done e.g. renewing the house insurance and what could be left to another time e.g. clearing the garage (until warmer weather and DH feeling a bit better). You could then have some of a day off to yourself. Cut yourself some slack and maybe lower your standards on some things a bit (if you can).

Keep telling yourself it's a temporary situation and you are bothe working towards improvement. Try to focus on being in the present and thinking about things that have gone well in the day - in your job or even just having a lovely drink. Savour the moment in the present. This can help you stop stressing about burnout in the future.
Pace yourself when doing house and work stuff and build in breaks

Don't ruminate on the situation too much. When you start overthinking the situation pull yourself away and go and do something.

If you need time out from your DH then go have a long bath, read or watch someting on your laptop with headphones on to be immersed (perhaps quietly in the bedroom) so you can be alone. Go out for a walk or run.

Does your DH know you are struggling? You could admit work and the house is becoming overwhelming. He may think you are coping just fine or he may feel your worry a little and be skirting around you. He may really welcome the chance to help out with small things he feels he can manage - some cleaning or laundry or perhaps he could cook a simple meal every evening and make up a lunch for you. Small things that would make your life a bit easier and let him feel he is contributing.

Getting out and about for walks is great for mood. I'd encourage you to discuss him having some structure in his day that builds this into it.

It's really hard taking everything onto your own shoulders.

Agree with @SapatSea - you need to also take time for yourself. So identify what really needs to be done and what can be skipped. Also, ensuring you are helping him by taking on responsibilities, financial burden etc is one thing, you don't also have to be there for him physically/emotionally 24/7. Have you found yourself not meeting up with friends/exercising/taking part in your hobbies because you feel you have to be there for him? Because if so, I would suggest that's not actually helpful for him or you. He has to do the work to get better - you have chosen to support him by removing all the practicalities from his plate. But you don't have to stop your life.

Thanks everyone!

Some really good practical things here which is definitely what I need - I tend to overthink things and some action to address what I can would definitely be more useful!

I haven't told him how I'm feeling. And I'm really unsure on whether I should/how I would. I don't want him to feel he has an extra thing on his plate when his plate is already piled high. I also don't want to make this about me, having said that, I'm due back in work tomorrow and while the house may now be clean and sorted, I know it will just all pile up again because I just don't have the time around work. I don't know how people manage it all - and I'm usually a really resilient, independent person! (Lived on my own for 5 years and loved it!)

Thank you

You do sound really resilient and thoughtful. You say you are on "probation" at work - most professions that have a probationary year are insanely tough and many fall by the wayside. You are scaling Everest!

If you don't want to risk asking for help perhaps you could ask if there is something he still enjoys/can manage doing? For example, if he likes going out for short drives in the car or walks then he could maybe pick up any groceries you have run out of, do the post office run, or (if relevant) school pickups. Just small things that could help - even just taking out the bins or emptying the dishwasher. Be grateful and thank him if it gets done, but don't mention if he can't achieve it?

It can feel really isolating when you are caring for someone whose MH has crashed, that no one else can really feel your pain and you can feel that it smacks of betrayal to admit to feeling overwhelmed or annoyed. Your feelings are perfectly valid.

You need to stay strong - so put yourself first. If you can maintain your M and physical health then you will be able to help your DH with his health better.

www.goodtherapy.org/blog/how-to-care-for-yourself-when-your-loved-one-is-depressed-0628174

One last thought, does your work ( or Uni) offer some free counselling? If so, it would be worth taking it up - having a third party who is on "your side" who will hear you - to just offload might just keep your jug of worries and stress from overflowing.