Marriage trudging along

[Reluctantadult]

All my real life friends seem to be either really happy or having real problems that could end up in them splitting.

Is anyone else's marriage kind of trudging along? Nothing bad enough to leave and I don't really want to leave, but if I am brutally honest the love has mainly gone. I don't think we'd be together if it wasn't for the children. Shared lives.

I turn 40 later this year and sometimes wonder isn't there more to life than this? But then I flip the coin and I am actually very lucky with my job, hobbies, friends, and my husband is a big part of that. He pulls his weight with family life. We have shared values. So perhaps I just need to be more grateful!

Does anyone get where I am coming from?

Yes and no. If you're bored why not create some joint projects with him - plan some interesting holidays, set each other some fun challenges.

DH and I make an effort to do stuff together that we either enjoy or feel proud of. We redecorated the house together during lockdown. We enjoyed it and felt proud of the improvement. We book lots of theatre tickets and gigs to music we love, we plan holidays that really excite us.
Life does plod along. The trick is to enjoy the small stuff and to plan enough of the big stuff. And, obviously, not to rely on your partner for your own happiness or sense of adventure. Create your own goals and challenges.

Yes this is us. Kids the only thing keeping us together. When they leave home I don't know what I will do.

You don't want to leave him and sound like you like him so I'd see if you can try and recapture something. How old are the kids? , could you do a night away for your birthday, instigate regular dates, do you get enough time away from him to enjoy his company?

Make plans for the future, do things together - often kids take over and you stop these things as everything revolves around the kids. Do you have any joint interests? Is there somewhere you'd like to go on holiday together? Relationships need effort putting into them - are you both prepared to put the effort in?

Yes, although DH would say no, that the love and passion is still there but I'm not sure it is. He is amazing and I would never leave him; he's the perfect life partner, we have shared values, he's brilliant with the kids, the dog, the household, supports me in whatever I want to do and I try to do the same, but it is very pedestrian.

However, I'm think I'm quite happy with pedestrian and not sure I have the energy for anything else.

I think as long as you like each other a lot, have each other's backs and are equal partners - isn't that enough? Everything becomes mundane if you do it for long enough, doesn't it?

Just to put some perspective on this, we've been married 18 years.

Feels like a bit of a relief to have some company out there!

We probably don't have enough time apart in some ways, lockdown hasn't helped that as both been working from home. I went into the office for the first time yesterday!

Yes to planning fun things. We don't have much fun together in that we're not a couple that has lots of laughs together. But we do projects well together. We have just booked a hol which is something to look forward to.

I don't know that we could recapture something romantic. We haven't had sex for a couple of years now and I don't know how we'd get that back. I am stand off ish by this point. The sex wasn't that good so I don't miss it per se but don't want to never have sex again in my life!

@Creamegg84 I also wouldn't be surprised if we part ways when the kids are older. Or we might find we do have more fun when the kids are a bit more self sufficient. I don't know which way it will go.

The sex is seriously lacking in our marriage at the moment. It was fine, and when we went on holiday last August it was amazing for 3 days, but then our eldest got hospitalised with a life-changing (not threatening but definitely changing) illness and it has totally gone to crap. I honestly can't remember the last time we did it. I don't know how to get that back now - which is a shame. We used to have a weekend away every year, but that's not going to happen now because we can't leave DS. It sucks so I feel your pain on that front.

I feel the same sometimes, especially as DH suffers with depression and it can be hard. But I have to say the sex makes a huge difference. If we haven't done it for a while we get more distant and a good shag always makes me feel closer to him. Bonus is he's really bloody good at it! I often think it we didn't still have that I'd have struggled to stay.

However, like PP said, it does get a bit drudgery after years and years of raising kids and running a house and it's easy to slip into not putting much effort in and barely communicating bar the routine stuff. I find a few drinks and a good chat always helps, rather than staring at different screens and just existing together (easily done!).

@Seriouslymole I can understand how it's changed things between you and your husband. Can I ask a personal question, do you still fancy him? Because I would say no I don't fancy my husband. I don't fancy anyone else either though, I don't generally go around fancying people!

yes, i'm bored as hell we never seem to have any fun or do anything at all together. I actually really think he doesn't even like me very much. Seriously considering booking into a hotel for a few days to do some thinking.

[quote Reluctantadult]@Seriouslymole I can understand how it's changed things between you and your husband. Can I ask a personal question, do you still fancy him? Because I would say no I don't fancy my husband. I don't fancy anyone else either though, I don't generally go around fancying people![/quote]
Honestly, not at the moment because as per another pp he is depressed and anxious and horrible as it sounds, I find it the biggest turn off ever. There is just nothing less attractive. When he is functioning as normal and I am not exhausted with work, life and cares then yes, I do, I think. I can’t really remember but I think I do. That doesn’t help, does it? But I don’t fancy anyone else either. I just have lost that side of me at the moment.

Do you like your husband? I generally really like mine. At the moment he’s a pain in the arse and very self-obsessed but he is getting help, but normally he’s a nice man. I like spending time with him.