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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Mixed Messages. Or is it me.

23 replies

Foreverinjeans · 15/02/2022 08:57

I think I'm out of touch with how to read messages from men after a 20 year relationship ended last year.

I've a male friend I've known for years. We dropped contact for a while. Re connected over Christmas after he messaged me out of the blue. His marriage has ended too.

We've had month or so of frequent messaging and made plans to meet for coffee.

He sent a message saying that he'd met a woman on the train who reminded him of me. It was her hair that drew him in . The same as mine .. I didn't think much of it, a bit weird perhaps.

Then, a few days later a similar message about his circuits teacher, reminding him of me in many ways. She's kind and funny.

Finally last week, another message where he was going on a date with the girl from the train, she reminds him of me in so many ways..

I realised I liked him and felt he was putting it that he liked me. Told him. He was horrified. Only see you as s friend.

I'm mortified. The rejection. I read it wrong didn't I? Please, would anyone else read into those messages or am I as stupid as he's made me feel.

We were good mates. A lot in common. No hint of anything whilst we were married.

OP posts:

Iwanttenofthose · 15/02/2022 09:06

He's the weirdo! Those messages are something you'd only send to someone you're into. Feels a bit gaslighty tbh, he's probably afraid of re-committing and enjoyed the flirting etc but then panicked once it got real. Back away, you've had a lucky escape. He sounds like he'd be a bit of a manchild in a relationship.

yellowsmileyface · 15/02/2022 09:10

If it makes you feel any better, I don't think you read it wrong.

Those aren't the kind of messages one sends to a strictly platonic friend. Not exactly sure what he's playing at but it definitely sounds like he's messing you around.

Planetzero1 · 15/02/2022 09:15

No not your fault at all. It was like he was hinting and sounding you out. I hope he didn’t knock you back too bluntly as that would not be fair.

iwishu · 15/02/2022 09:18

Not surprised your confused, so he's attracted to women that remind him of a platonic friend, keeps messaging you about random women he picks up on trains... I think he enjoys playing with your feelings.
Sounds like a player and that would definitely give me the Ick.

Original poster

Foreverinjeans · 15/02/2022 09:20

Thank you.
He made me feel stupid.

He was quite brutal. People see what they want to see. I've never given any hint I see you as anything but platonic.

It knocked my radar skills I suppose.

OP posts:

yellowsmileyface · 15/02/2022 09:37

I've never given any hint I see you as anything but platonic.

Okay yeah that sounds quite gaslighty, trying to make you doubt your own instincts when he definitely HAS given you hints.

Are you two still speaking? Because this sounds like a very unreliable person to have in your life.

Original poster

Foreverinjeans · 15/02/2022 09:59

No.
I don't want too. Can't be arsed with game players.

I'm so pleased you all read them the same.

OP posts:

GeneLovesJezebel · 15/02/2022 10:00

It’s not you, it’s him.

Original poster

Foreverinjeans · 15/02/2022 10:43

I don't think he'll get in touch again.

I think he wants to shag loads of women but have a long term interest in the background for when he's ready to settle.

A player

OP posts:

TheFoundation · 15/02/2022 10:49

'How to read messages from men' isn't a thing, OP. It's not a secret code they use. Some people will say things and you'll understand, some people will say things and you won't. Male or female.

You don't need radar skills. Pull away from people you don't get; you're not at fault for not getting them, they're just not your tribe.

You could see this incident as 'I'm such an idiot to have understood it that way' or 'He's such an idiot to have made it look that way'. But the healthy way to see it is without bothering with blame 'Wow, we really don't get it other. I'll steer clear of him in the future'.

Suzanne999 · 15/02/2022 14:50

I’d have thought the same as you, bit odd messages but he was effectively saying women like you were attractive to him and he’s sending those messages to you.
All I can think of it was a bit of a power trip for him, he dabbles the “ I like you, find you attractive card” you responded and he immediately got on his high horse. Pathetic.
Chuck him back in the murky pond where he belongs.

FMSucks · 15/02/2022 15:11

I have a friend like this OP. He tells me of women who remind him of me but he also makes no bones about the fact that he is into me (he's into everyone mind you so I take him with a pinch of salt and we've been friends for decades!). You did not read him wrong at all and he is gaslighting you. Get rid.

Horological · 15/02/2022 15:25

*You don't need radar skills. Pull away from people you don't get; you're not at fault for not getting them, they're just not your tribe.

This is very good advice.

Momijin · 15/02/2022 15:34

Weirdo!

Momijin · 15/02/2022 15:35

(Him, not you)

fruitbrewhaha · 15/02/2022 15:35

I think we should review the way we see dating. Rather than I really like this person and will invest loads of time and energy on them it should be this person is alright, lets spend some more time together to see if we get along. It takes the pressure of it. So you ask a friend out on a date, he was a nob about it, ergo he is not worth spending your time with, job done in one. On to the next one.

I'd reply "Don't worry, I've completely changed my mid about you, enjoy dating women who remind you of me".

CrumpetStrumpet · 15/02/2022 15:38

@fruitbrewhaha Perfect response. Please send that op and then block his arse!

SisterRuth · 15/02/2022 15:40

What a tosser he is! You didn't do anything wrong. I'd have interpreted those messages exactly as you did. Tell him you've just met someone emotionally intelligent who therefore doesn't remind you of him. And block the sad sack.

TheFoundation · 15/02/2022 16:00

@fruitbrewhaha

I'd reply "Don't worry, I've completely changed my mid about you, enjoy dating women who remind you of me".

This is passive aggressive, ego driven, and sarcastic.

Just walk away. You don't need the last word, or the last put-down.

Original poster

Foreverinjeans · 15/02/2022 16:09

@TheFoundation. It did make me smile, but I'm not replying. Silence is best.

I am blocking. Not because he rejected me, christ we all get that - but as he was so unkind.

Had he been nicer, the friendship would have been OK.

I'll give my time to people who deserve it.

OP posts:

AryaStarkWolf · 15/02/2022 16:21

Yeah he's definitely playing games with you. Run a mile from this one. I bet he decides he might like you more than as a friend in the future........don't go there

Original poster

Foreverinjeans · 15/02/2022 17:04

@AryaStarkWolf no way.
I don't think he will as I think he'll be too scared too approach me now.

OP posts:

Webshite · 15/02/2022 18:05

Brilliant response fruitbrewhaha. Perfect closure line.

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