It's all such a mess

[velvetshoes]

I have been married for over ten years now.
I'm starting to really really resent my dh.
I am literally on the verge of hating him.
I can't think of any good that's come to my life from marrying him. He's broken me down in every way.

When we first married me he took all of my money and spent it from my job. Eventually instead of leaving as I should have I just stopped working so he couldn't take everything from me when he has enough.
I couldn't take it all anymore. He earns a good salary.
He ignores me all the time only responds to anything I say if it's convenient to him, if I say can you pick up dc from school he just ignores me as if I'm not in the room if it's a no. I'm always supposed to understand when he ignores me it means don't speak to me.

We sold our house (recently) and we agreed to go in a rental while we looked for houses because the market was so crazy . Before I signed the papers I said we must make sure we don't take too long to get a new house otherwise the market might get more expensive. He agreed.

Dh has since done nothing at all to buy a new house it's been 14 months and we're still renting which is expensive. The market is so expensive we may as well have thrown away the equity from our old home because even to buy our old home back we'd have to buy it for more now. Now any mortgage we get will basically have to borrow the small deposit we had from the sale of our home to get the same houses we could 14 months ago.

He's giving me the silent treatment if I say wth is going on about buying a house. If I ask to see a house he ignores me and the houses are selling very quickly as in days so you have to just go and see them. If he doesn't like one thing on the picture of a potential house on rightmove he will say things like I don't like that house it's got a small garage when we don't even need a garage and then refuse to see the house irl.

I'm now ill I have no energy I feel like I can't function. I am seeing the doctor but because of covid everything is taking a long time to get anywhere with what's wrong.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't even know if I can afford to split up with him. I don't even know if my health is ok to do so either.
I don't think I can afford it I earn £700 pm in a pt job, I also have a boss that bullies me and no sick pay so I have to keep on working even though I'm ill, my boss is a male chauvinist constantly doing small things to bully me, i don't think I could get any more down about work either tbh, I can't believe how I've ended up like this, but I can't find anything else with the hours I do around school things, I don't have any friends or family.

I do have some money from the sale of the house in the bank. I just can't take any of this anymore. Feel like just running and not coming back. I would do this if I didn't have dc. I don't know how to survive the way I am or how to get out. Sorry just realised how long this is but need to get it out.

Please talk to Womens Aid as they can and will help here.

Your so called H has ground you down to the state you're in now. You're in an abusive relationship with him, he is certainly acting abusively towards you. The silent treatment is an example of emotional abuse and he has not been above financially abusing you either.

I would urge you to seek legal advice asap with a view to divorcing him. What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. This is absolutely no model for them to be seeing and potentially go onto emulate themselves.

I would also look for another job as a matter of course. Your boss seems like another version of your H (was your own father similar too?). When these men are out of your day to day life it is likely you will feel a lot better about everything else.

I’m so sorry this is happening to you. The answer is simple though. Get a new job and leave your husband. People do it every day.

Thanks I did go to WA they sent me to a DA house to discuss my situation but they said their hostels are so full they asked me to reflect on how bad everything is to leave because they are struggling to find everyone a place, I know other women have it worse than me.

I also saw a solicitor but they said that I would probably get no spousal allowance and my situation is much worse now we're renting and don't own anywhere, i won't be eligible for benefits until I run the house money down in the account. I made sure I paid half the house into my account.

I've tried to get new jobs. But I am not getting them, I am also black (dh is white though) in a very white area I am thinking this is probably a problem here unfortunately, when I ask why I haven't got the job I get excuses, that's if I'm lucky enough to get to interview. I've found taking myself (and my picture off) linkedin has gotten me more interviews.

The only thing I can think to do is take the house deposit and hope someone will take me on an upfront rental until I run out of money and even then I've no idea what happens after that runs out and that won't take long. The area I live in is expensive. My dc are in private school it's all such a mess. My dh will fight to keep them in school so I'd have to live nearby. He also wfh and can be there all the time. I don't think I stand a chance of me getting my dc any more than 50:50. Dh is, of course, an outstanding member of the community. It's only behind closed doors he's silent to me. I think I will just have to continue trying to get a job.

@NotaCoolMum sorry, I know people do it every day but I'm quite sure there are also women who don't do it everyday as well. I don't think it's so simple, I'd have already done it if it was.

I never said it was easy op- but it IS what you need to do if you want things to change.