Now I think he was cheating

[tellmewhywhy]

I wrote the other day about how my partner thinks I overreact (because he told me about how he would go for a lunch and after a fuck, these words literally). Today I thought I'd go through his phone as I had a hunch and I saw he'd been messaging a female friend past 10:30pm chitty chatting (it was in another language but I translated), he started the chat in response to her story saying as she apparently took a photo in the car, he says oh I see you're not wearing seatbelt... apparently this is a friend , and I said yes well I'm sure you wouldn't like me messaging make friend at that time then I took his phone and I saw when I was pregnant in 2018 that this other girl was chasing him saying I miss you, meet soon? Instead of ignoring it or shutting down he responded saying oh I'm busy... Again in another language. So after that I went nuts, nearly through his phone out the window. He told me it was over and I said it was over a long time ago. So again I've spent the afternoon crying, my life truly is a mess, I've got three kids, two dads, youngest is just one. And I've added complication that im not from UK (where I live) dickhead dad doesn't live with us due to working commitments in Europe. We are now in his home country for the week. The thought of starting out again is terrible. I feel sick even saying it. My life is just one horrible mess. I don't want to call my home on other side of world, to bother them with my drama (another one now) nor do I want to admit to any friends that I've failed again. I just feel so utterly crap and alone. I even went so far as thinking my life is better of not existing as no one cares or listens, it's all just hard work, I never see anyone so what difference would it make. Kids can live with their dads and I can disappear.

Oh and can't call anyone in uk as it's valentines, not that I want to offload onto anyone. I just feel so sad my life is not at all what I hoped for. It's just horrible and I'm so upset I made bad decisions x 2 dads

Youve not failed. He failed.

Can you go home to your family ad have their support?

No I'm stuck in UK (literally) as oldest dad is English and refused to permit relocation. The dick head dad (two youngest) will also refuse it. So I'm stuck really for another 18 more years. I hate that thought. All of it.

If you feel the need to check his phone and read his messages then the relationship is already done. You don't trust him. You deserve to be happy and not looking over your shoulder checking if someone is cheating on you. I think you sound depressed and need support for your mental health moving forward. If you feel suicidal you should go to A&E. Dont worry about what people think. You haven't failed. Life isn't as cut and dry as that. Learn what you can from the relationship. Heal and move on.

Just because your children have different dads does not mean you've failed.

Why place the blame all on yourself?

The relationship was over a long time ago if you check his phone.

Look at this as a positive, time to heal.
No doubt you're hurting but this isn't on you. Just because these shitty things have happened to you doesn't mean you're to blame.

You need to heal, learn to love yourself and remember to put yourself and children before anyone else.

You do need to talk to someone about your mental health.

You're worthy and strong.

Life is a series of successes and failures. Right now you're succeeding, because you've seen another asshole for exactly what he is. It might not seem that way right now, but this is a good day.

Also, you have 3 lovely kids. And believe me, they'd be a lot better off with your influence in their lives. You don't want them growing up to be wankers like their dads right?

The good thing is, once you get shot of this guy, you're free to live your life. You dont even need to get a guy again (and you certainly don't need to rush into anything if you do want one) because you've had kids already so there's no ticking clock to worry about there.

Just get yourself away from this dickhead. After a few months of freedom, you'll feel miles better.

Thank you for your sweet words, they help a little but it still doesn't take away from the situation that I'm in another failed relationship with children involved. At 41 yo my experience with my ex I thought I would have learnt. I feel so terrible, teary, sick and worst of all I'm so far from home. I can't even travel there at £1200 a ticket nor with two little kids in tow. It's not like I can easier drop £5K on tickets alone, let alone the time. I just feel terrible. I feel like I can't be a good mother. And worst of all I'm stuck here 18 years. Im sorry I really can't stand the Uk

It happens to us all OP. I've got 2 kids with no dads. I've been married three times, all failed. Some of us are no good at relationships - probably because we pick the wrong men! I haven't got any easy answers for you though, just good wishes.

Maybe try somewhere else in the UK? Presumably they can't stop you doing that. Maybe try a different region. Or even just an hour away. For a fresh start.

Tbh op, most people are not still going to be with the partner they had at 41 until they die. Men come and go throughout life. Some just stay a little longer than the rest.

I don't think it's a failure to realise when something sucks and take steps to end it and make your life better. Takes a strong person (and someone who leaves from their mistakes) to choose to make tough changes.

And you can't say you didn't learn from the first 'mistake' because people are all different and sometimes they display totally different red flags to the guy before them.

You'll be entitled to a fair bit of child support btw. Don't be slow to find out your entitlements money wise.

...and it might be more like 15 years btw. Because I think at 16 they can leave the country if they want without dad's permission right? Though by then you'll hopefully be a lot happier here anyway.

Thanks for your nice comments. Interestingly I had this podcast saved down and listened to it this afternoon. It's really fascinating and gave me some clarity

https://www.instagram.com/tv/CZ7aiIroqVa/?utmmedium=copyy_link