What to do when you're getting cold feet?

[marclia]

I have been in an unhappy manipulative marriage for a year now and have been in contact with Women's Aid for months.

I have finally told my husband that I was going to leave and he didn't object to it, he just asked me to leave the keys at the estate agency. So now I'm leaving this week while he's away.

I thought it made things so much easier until I came across a valentine's day card he wrote earlier to apologise for his behaviour in the living room and my favourite pieces of food.

I know I'm going to be unhappy in my life if I stay in this relationship but my heart is just crushed. I'm crying my eyes out alone in the flat.

I hate what he made me go through and I now he doesn't love or care for me but my heart is still crushed.

I always came last but yet my heart is still crushed.

His interests always came first but I'm destroyed.

He cheated me off money but I'm still heartbroken.

The fact I won't ever get to hug him or talk to him or see him again I spent two years of my life with him and spent almost most of that time seeing him everyday just crushes my heart in millions of pieces.

The hope for a stable family for my baby (7 months pregnant) is destroyed.

The loneliness and celibacy scare me.

Is what I'm feeling normal? Or is it a sign that if I leave I'll regret it?
Why am I getting cold feet? What to do about it?

Ah bless you. But put the card down and think about this. What did he do to fuck you off? Has he been abusive? Why have you been in touch with a domestic violence organisation? It's not for no reason! Hang onto that x

Change is always scary to a degree. Humans like what’s known, we like routine, they give us a sense of security. But they’re no reason to stay with a man who is manipulating you, who has cheated you. He won’t suddenly change and the little gestures — a card, a bunch of flowers— are all to hook you back, keep you where he wants you to be.
Life with a manipulative man is far harder with a child ( I speak from experience) it’s unfair on the child to grow up in that environment and you will try to split yourself in two caring for your child and keeping your husband quiet so he doesn’t flip out over anything. It’s exhausting and will grind you down.
My advice would be to leave now with help from Women’s Aid. Don’t register his name on the birth certificate. If you can disappear so he never finds you that is easiest. I did that, was never found.
Take a deep breath, make a decision and stick with it. Make your plan and don’t let indecision make you doubt yourself. You’re stronger than you think.

@something2say

Ah bless you. But put the card down and think about this. What did he do to fuck you off? Has he been abusive? Why have you been in touch with a domestic violence organisation? It's not for no reason! Hang onto that x

Thank you xx

@Suzanne999

Change is always scary to a degree. Humans like what’s known, we like routine, they give us a sense of security. But they’re no reason to stay with a man who is manipulating you, who has cheated you. He won’t suddenly change and the little gestures — a card, a bunch of flowers— are all to hook you back, keep you where he wants you to be. Life with a manipulative man is far harder with a child ( I speak from experience) it’s unfair on the child to grow up in that environment and you will try to split yourself in two caring for your child and keeping your husband quiet so he doesn’t flip out over anything. It’s exhausting and will grind you down. My advice would be to leave now with help from Women’s Aid. Don’t register his name on the birth certificate. If you can disappear so he never finds you that is easiest. I did that, was never found. Take a deep breath, make a decision and stick with it. Make your plan and don’t let indecision make you doubt yourself. You’re stronger than you think.

Thank you for that. It really really helps.

I've given him so many chances and had so much hope. I'm grieving over what could have been.

I'm sorry you went through that and I'm happy you found peace away from your ex.

If I may ask, did you have to leave the country to never be found by your ex?

Could he find me or baby if I move somewhere far within the UK or does he need to know what hospital I gave birth in?

Thank you again for your encouraging words

How manipulative of him. Just think op, of all the times he’s had to put you first, all the chances he’s had to show you just how much he cared and he didn’t bother. Until now when you’re about to leave him. Now he’s giving you a little tiny scrap of kindness to try and wind you back into his clutches. Bin the card and pack the food and take it with you to your new happy home

I only moved 80-90 miles away. This was early days of the internet so social media was nothing like it is now. You’d probably have to delete all your accounts. Thank fully the place I worked didn’t out our photos online then. If they’d wanted to do that I’d have had to have refused and told them why if necessary.
He does not need to know where you give birth. If you’re married change your medical records to your maiden name ( or a family name, or any name you choose) and when you go into labour say specifically that no information is to be given to anyone inquiring. Hospitals are very hot on confidentiality anyway now.
It took me a while to settle after I left. For a long time I was convinced he was going to find me. Stupid really as what could he have done —- the most would have been to embarrass me at work. He was an alcoholic so travelling to find me would have eaten into his drinking time so he didn’t bother. I moved to one house I rented without seeing then 6 months later moved to another, very rural. I loved living there and felt very safe and free.
You can do this. Work with Women’s Aid to assist you as they’ll be a support for you.

Thank you