Could be in trouble here…any advice?

[SurferBoy02]

Before I start, I should tell you that I'm a male. I guess I just thought I'd ask on here as I was already logged in etc so it was the easiest forum to access.

So I went out clubbing on Saturday night with my sister, her boyfriend, my stepbrother and his girlfriend. I got talking to a girl I was sat near and a while later we had a kiss. I found out today that somebody had filmed it and sent the video to her boyfriend (I only just found out she had one, I would never have gone there if I had known). Just so happens that this boyfriend of hers has a reputation for being an absolute nutter. I've found out his name and blocked him on all my socials so unless he's already found out who I am and looked me up, he can't get to me (I don't think). To be honest I'm a bit frightened to even go to work. That's something I never thought I'd say as a grown man. Any advice on what else I can do?

Do you know for sure it was filmed and sent to her boyfriend?

@McClary111

Do you know for sure it was filmed and sent to her boyfriend?

Well I know for sure that it was filmed as I've seen the video. Surely someone will have made sure he sees it too?

I wouldn't do anything.

If he is a nutter and confronts you then call the police. Apart from that, get on with your life and forget about it.

I am not sure that there is much you can do really.

Did you swap numbers with the girl? Ie is your number in her phone?

@isthismylifenow

I am not sure that there is much you can do really.

Did you swap numbers with the girl? Ie is your number in her phone?

I've got her number in my phone but I can't remember wether or not I gave her mine as obviously I was a bit drunk. She's a girl I know from college and she knows literally everything about me. So I've blocked her on everything too but I hardly think that will change much

Just found out the name of the one who filmed it. He was the same one who came up to me a while after the kiss and told me not to do anything else with her as she's well known for going with a lot of men (I don't like the word some people use for that).

Block her on everything too.

Why did he film it? Very strange

Most odd that you come to mumsnet with this scenario

I'd dye my hair and start growing a beard if I were you

I mean I'd rather get a pissy social media message from someone than have them track me down IRL so I wouldn't have blocked him.
But it won't come to that. I really wouldn't worry.

Odd

Really odd.

How do you know she is still dating the scary boyfriend?

Sounds more like she left the scary boyfriend and the guy’s heavies are trying to stop her seeing anyone so she will go back to dating the scary boyfriend as she’s lonely. So yes the thugs may want to warn you off her.

Just be aware of your surroundings for the next few weeks. Don’t wear headphones. Be alert.

Don’t cut through dark parks or anything. Stay in broad daylight in areas where there is lots of cctv. Change your routine if possible. If you told her you have a coffee in Starbucks at 8.30am before work daily - don’t do that any more.

I’d keep away from the places she is likely to be. As they are likely to be there too. Listen for people following you. Cross the road if you need to.

Pretty much all the stuff many women do when out and about to try and be safe. It’s horrible but I’d think provided you stay away from her you will be fine.

@Elieza

How do you know she is still dating the scary boyfriend?

Sounds more like she left the scary boyfriend and the guy’s heavies are trying to stop her seeing anyone so she will go back to dating the scary boyfriend as she’s lonely. So yes the thugs may want to warn you off her.

Just be aware of your surroundings for the next few weeks. Don’t wear headphones. Be alert.

Don’t cut through dark parks or anything. Stay in broad daylight in areas where there is lots of cctv. Change your routine if possible. If you told her you have a coffee in Starbucks at 8.30am before work daily - don’t do that any more.

I’d keep away from the places she is likely to be. As they are likely to be there too. Listen for people following you. Cross the road if you need to.

Pretty much all the stuff many women do when out and about to try and be safe. It’s horrible but I’d think provided you stay away from her you will be fine.

I'll try my best but it will be difficult as I mostly work evening shifts. I'll ask around to see if I can get lifts

You sound like you are very young. Learn to stop being frightened of anybody. You did nothing wrong. And learn Krav Maga or similar. And avoid silly drama.

OP do you struggle with anxiety in general?
I think if he really wants to come after you, IF, there isn’t much you can do to stop him.
As pp have mentioned, avoid situations where you’re alone and more vulnerable.
And I agree with krav magna. It’s a very effective self defense sport and will help you feel more confident too.

@Juliauns91

You sound like you are very young. Learn to stop being frightened of anybody. You did nothing wrong. And learn Krav Maga or similar. And avoid silly drama.

I'm 20. Part of me's a bit worried about the girl. I think she split with him so he sent his boys out to intimidate her into going back with him. So I'd like to be able to go and just talk to her and help her get out of it but obviously that's just one of those things that could either go as planned or end in complete disaster

@LaBellina

OP do you struggle with anxiety in general? I think if he really wants to come after you, IF, there isn’t much you can do to stop him. As pp have mentioned, avoid situations where you’re alone and more vulnerable. And I agree with krav magna. It’s a very effective self defense sport and will help you feel more confident too.

Yeah, always struggled with anxiety. There's always something on my mind. Think I'll just have to go about my life as normal and if I get confronted by anyone then I'll cross that bridge when it comes to it. Can't be living in fear all the time

I’m sorry to hear that OP.
This may explain why you’re feeling so scared about this particular situation. To put things in perspective, years ago, I had a Russian criminal thrown out of a club I used to go to very often because he was harassing me after I refused to chat or drink with him. The owner of the club ordered the bouncer to throw him out after I complained to him about the harassment. Bouncer was an enormous guy (clearly on steroids) and this club was pretty popular with a certain type of crowd (let’s say nobody was surprised when the club had to be closed for a few weeks because some guy had brought a gun and started shooting at another guy in there). Bouncer was pretty pissed off with me for complaining to his boss and making him throw out the Russian because as it turned out, this Russian was apparently a pretty notorious criminal. He warned me to be very careful when I left the club. Ofcourse I was scared but it never stopped me from going back there & just living my life. Nothing ever happened. There are messed up people everywhere and you can’t let them control your life. I think many people have been threatened by some unhinged person at least once in their lives because they were at the wrong time at the wrong place and crossed paths with a wrong person and in some cases it does end badly but many of those so called thugs are all words and no action. Let’s hope that’s the case in your situation as well. I think finding professional support for your anxiety might help you to deal with it better. And anxiety likes their victims alone and ashamed so they can be controlled better. If you have some good friends that are willing to listen to you in real life, perhaps they’re willing to help you to see things more in perspective.

Honestly, you wanting to help her is nice. But realistically it could get you seriously injured.

There are plenty of places she can seek help - if she wants to. She may not. She may want to go back to him. You don’t know what she wants.

I get that you don’t want to live in fear, but having been beaten up by a guy that wanted to kill me, it fucking hurts. I also know people with life changing injuries. Why let yourself get a kicking for want of just being a bit sensible for a few weeks.

I’d suggest you just keep away from trouble and keep alert. Avoid the girl. Avoid the places she may be for a few weeks. Then go back to normal. That’s all. Go about your work as usual. Just don’t hang out where you could get a kicking if you don’t have to.

Mother's now found out and she's saying that she's "not impressed", and that she wants me to lay low for a while. She forgets that I'm an adult now, capable of making my own decisions. If I get my head kicked in for it then so be it. As I said before, I think she's in an abusive relationship and if me getting a beating means that she doesn't, then I'm willing to take it

I'll you what I'd do as I can't stand anything hanging over me. I would seek him out and be honest with him. It will take some guts to do it but it's seriously your best bet.
Explain that she mutually kissed you and you had no idea she was with someone and that someone filmed it.
Trust me the last thing he will want is the world and his wife knowing what his girlfriend does behind his back.
Once that gets on WhatsApp it will be awful for him.
Be prepared for anger but if it was me being confronted with this I would respect your courage in being upfront despite my anger & upset. You got nothing to lose, can't live in fear and best to get to him before he gets to you hearing and worse seeing it from someone else.

I totally disagree with the advice above to seek out a dangerous psycho and tell him you kissed his girl.

What will that achieve!? No good can come if that. Certainly not a “no hard feelings mate, let’s shake hands” from the guy! Especially if you go in all knight in shining armour. That’s madness. It’s more likely his henchman would stick but you on your face and break your nose. And he will likely know the no-cctv spots as it won’t be his first rodeo.

OP, You forget one thing in all this. What she wants.

There are hundreds of posts on this site from woman who are dating violent and abusive men. She may be prepared to put up with him for the lifestyle he gives her.

She may be really happy with him and just fancied making him jealous so she talked to you.

He may treat her like a princess and she loves it. They might have a baby together and she was just on her first night out of freedom, who knows.

If she was getting abused she has plenty of places to turn. It’s more likely the potential suitors like you would get the abuse. How will you work with a broken leg and how will you speak with a broken jaw?

Use your common sense.Your mother is right. Stay the hell away from the psycho. Pick your battles. You won’t win this one.

Oh and if he doesn’t know she kissed you and you announce that, his pride will mean he has to beat you up.

And then he could turn in her and beat her up too.

So it’s safer for both of you if you keep away and say nothing.

Interesting posting history