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Original poster

Valentines Day

43 replies

PleaseHelp21 · 14/02/2022 18:10

Hi, my girlfriend really makes a big deal about Valentines day whereas I'm not really fussed about it at all. We've discussed it previously but she has told me that she expects to be brought out to dinner and get a card and flowers for valentines day. We went for dinner last night and I paid for the meal(£90) and she paid the tip (£15). I've been really busy at work today but have been rushing around trying to get a card and flowers organised as well. I'm actually a bit depressed over it as I feel my girlfriend doesn't really take my opinion into account and we have to do Valentines day her way every year without any compromise. I don't mind doing something every year like the dinner part but the rest of it seems like a bit much to me but I have no choice to go along with it every year or else there will be a row. I'm mid 40s and my girlfriend is in jet late 30s and we are together 3 years. What do people think, am I unreasonable to expect some sort of compromise?

OP posts:
independent98 · 14/02/2022 20:44

Just because valentine's Day isn't improve to you, it doesn't mean that it shouldn't be important for her. As I read this, her potential love language could be receiving gifts. A missed anniversary, birthday or milestone could have a effect on the relationship. Read Gary Chapman 5 love languages for men and also discover your love language. Here is a link about recieving gifts and see if this reasonates with your girlfriend

RedFlagsAllOver · 14/02/2022 21:28

I just had a row with my bloke cos I got nothing. He said valentines day means nothing to him, or Christmas. I said well I had a shit Christmas my dad died but I still made an effort.
It takes nothing to get a card.

Kabakofte · 14/02/2022 22:32

Op hasn't done nothing though!! They've done more than many would, sounds like the gf wouldn't be happy whatever had been done, go for a meal - 'where' s my card', get a card - 'why aren't we going for a meal'

bongobingo43 · 14/02/2022 22:44

It's the being told to do it that I'd have an issue with tbh. I wouldn't accept a partner telling me how treat them or what to buy them any other day of the year (inc birthdays & Xmas etc)

Also, as a recipient I'd only want flowers and a card if the person giving me them was doing if cos they wanted to snd not cos I had told them to

CourtRand · 14/02/2022 23:33

@Kabakofte

Op hasn't done nothing though!! They've done more than many would, sounds like the gf wouldn't be happy whatever had been done, go for a meal - 'where' s my card', get a card - 'why aren't we going for a meal'
Actually it sounds like being taken out to dinner with card and flowers is precisely what she'd have been happy with. Because she's said that's what she wants very clearly. She's been an open book...

Honestly I've never heard of someone getting depressed because he has to go to the shop and buy a card and flowers on his way home from work....

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/02/2022 23:37

Honestly I've never heard of someone getting depressed because he has to go to the shop and buy a card and flowers on his way home from work....

Or spend ten minutes on the internet any time in the last month.

bongobingo43 · 14/02/2022 23:39

@CourtRand I disagree, if I was ever told I had to go to the shops and buy anything for a DP I'd tell him where to go.

It's sucks even the slightest bit of romance out the situation anyway cos it makes it pointless.

Can any woman on here truthfully say that they want a card cos they've told their partner to get one? Surely it defeats the purpose of it being a thoughtful gesture?

Also, flip it round - can you imagine the responses a woman would get if she posted on here saying her DP was telling him she had to get him xy&z to prove she cared about him and she was dreading his reaction if she didn't do it and get it right? Especially if she'd just taken him out for a £90 meal the night before. We'd all be going nuts shouting LTB

phizog · 15/02/2022 00:30

[quote bongobingo43]@CourtRand I disagree, if I was ever told I had to go to the shops and buy anything for a DP I'd tell him where to go.

It's sucks even the slightest bit of romance out the situation anyway cos it makes it pointless.

Can any woman on here truthfully say that they want a card cos they've told their partner to get one? Surely it defeats the purpose of it being a thoughtful gesture?

Also, flip it round - can you imagine the responses a woman would get if she posted on here saying her DP was telling him she had to get him xy&z to prove she cared about him and she was dreading his reaction if she didn't do it and get it right? Especially if she'd just taken him out for a £90 meal the night before. We'd all be going nuts shouting LTB [/quote]
Not sure about this. My bf always asks me what I want for birthdays, anniversaries and Valentine's Day - and will organise it, and I love it. It's still a surprise regarding the message in the card or where he's chosen for dinner. It's still romantic if someone cares about what you want and takes the time/effort to sort it. He isn't a naturally romantic man, he shows love by practical problem solving normally. So the fact he cares about making me happy and will do something I like (that isn't his bag normally) means the world. I'd do the same for him, for something he'd enjoy. The romance is in the time and effort and the desire to do it.

Lpc3 · 15/02/2022 00:45

She sounds hard work OP, I'd leave.

AlwaysColdTea · 15/02/2022 07:39

[quote bongobingo43]@CourtRand I disagree, if I was ever told I had to go to the shops and buy anything for a DP I'd tell him where to go.

It's sucks even the slightest bit of romance out the situation anyway cos it makes it pointless.

Can any woman on here truthfully say that they want a card cos they've told their partner to get one? Surely it defeats the purpose of it being a thoughtful gesture?

Also, flip it round - can you imagine the responses a woman would get if she posted on here saying her DP was telling him she had to get him xy&z to prove she cared about him and she was dreading his reaction if she didn't do it and get it right? Especially if she'd just taken him out for a £90 meal the night before. We'd all be going nuts shouting LTB [/quote]
I agree with this.

I much prefer spontaneous gestures because someone has thought of me than a gift on a prescribed date because its the 'done thing'.

I don't have birthday presents either as a rule for the same reason. If you see something you think I'll love, fine, get it and that's lovely but going out shopping because a particular date is coming up? I don't get that at all. It's stressful and a shop bought card is meaningless.

sassbott · 15/02/2022 07:39

Is this part of a wider pattern/ dynamic within the relationship? Because I find it hard to understand how this isolated incident alone can breed resentment/ depression.

In a relationship it’s a given that certain things will matter to another person more than they do to you and vice versa. Hopefully there is two way compromise from both sides to meet their partners needs. Flowers/ card/ meal is not a big deal to me, at all. Cards have been in stores for months, flowers? Everywhere. Order online, swing by a supermarket…none of this is OTT.

If however this is part of a wider problem/ dynamic whereby you are doing all the giving and she does nothing in return, then I understand your problem.

What does she do for you?

MollyMalone2801 · 15/02/2022 08:20

Valentines Day - am I being a brat?

Hi, my other half and I have been together for a year and a half, and he didn't do anything for me for Valentines Day - well he got me a card. I've organised a night out for him and a stay in a hotel next week when we're both on leave plus activities over two days that I think he'll enjoy.

I was a bit upset about it and he said we'd agreed not to because we've just bought a new house and are buying things for it. I don't remember this agreement as Valentines is a pretty big deal to me?

I do think even though he didn't want to spend money, he could have done something - run me a bath, or cooked a meal or something. Bit nothing really really hurts. Also, he does have money for when he wants stuff like new trainers, he's spent a couple hundred on running trainers the other day, and tbh we're both on pretty good wages. So it feels like he just couldn't be arsed. I asked him and he said I was being a spoilt brat.

The nail in the coffin is that he has pictures of a previous relationship on fb with pics of him taking his ex to Prague. I got a card. I just feel so hurt. Am I being a brat and I just can't see it?

MollyMalone2801 · 15/02/2022 08:24

Sorry, I've put this in the wrong place!

Suprima · 15/02/2022 11:48

@Pleasehelp21

I think a lot of people are missing the point.. I dont actually mind doing something for Valentines but I've been told exactly what to do and have no say in what we do on the day and if I don't do exactly what she told me she expects I'll get the head torn off me. Maybe I'm really out of touch but I thought in a relationship both proples opinions mattered whereas the general responses there are quite dismissive of that and basically imply I'm disorganised and mean.
So how do you want to spend Valentine’s Day? What did you plan? What did you offer the month before? ‘Hey gf, as it’s v-day coming up… how about we do x y and z?’? Or did this not happen?

It’s not about a ‘£90 dinner’ or flowers, it’s about effort and organisation. So she states her needs, knowing it’s not coming otherwise.

What she wants is completely normal. I imagine she probably has to state what she wants through blunt communication because she knows you won’t organise anything else otherwise.

But tbh, you have said what the problem is in your original post. You are in your forties, she is your girlfriend, it doesn’t sound like you live together and you aren’t engaged. She very clearly isn’t the one and you know it. Otherwise you wouldn’t be moping on mumsnet in the hope that someone calls her a brat and tells you that you are such a gent, and she is so unreasonable and demanding.

Stop wasting her time

Notwithittoday · 15/02/2022 11:53

I think you’re not really interested her and begrudge doing things that make her happy. If you were in love this would be a non issue

CourtRand · 15/02/2022 12:39

[quote bongobingo43]@CourtRand I disagree, if I was ever told I had to go to the shops and buy anything for a DP I'd tell him where to go.

It's sucks even the slightest bit of romance out the situation anyway cos it makes it pointless.

Can any woman on here truthfully say that they want a card cos they've told their partner to get one? Surely it defeats the purpose of it being a thoughtful gesture?

Also, flip it round - can you imagine the responses a woman would get if she posted on here saying her DP was telling him she had to get him xy&z to prove she cared about him and she was dreading his reaction if she didn't do it and get it right? Especially if she'd just taken him out for a £90 meal the night before. We'd all be going nuts shouting LTB [/quote]
Depends how it was done.

"You have to get me X and X because it's Valentines"

Or

"I love it when you put in the effort, a card and flowers on Valentines Day really makes me feel loved".

CourtRand · 15/02/2022 12:40

@Notwithittoday

I think you’re not really interested her and begrudge doing things that make her happy. If you were in love this would be a non issue
I agree with this. When you're in love you'll go to a lot of trouble just to make them feel happy
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