Does the word i love you mean less after an affair

[Joolypass]

I’m looking for some advice from people that have been there.

A little less than 13 months ago my husband had an full blown affair. The affair lasted 10 weeks and ended abruptly, due to him telling me what had happened in a drunken outburst Up until that moment he admitted there was no plans on telling me about his wrong doing.

This has hit me and my family hard.

Within the first few months he was different. I would say he was distant and like he was trying, but also his mind was elsewhere. I know about affair fog and I’m glad to say it looks like that’s cleared. In month 4 onwards, he seemed to be loving, he was always asking how I was feeling and he really knew how to pick me up when he could see I was down. He was willing to answer questions, even though I didn’t believe the answers.

I have bombarded him with question after question every day since DDAY. He use to send me messages, saying he loved me and it had a way of making me feel good inside. When I was having a bad day, he would either say he loved me or would send a text and it would lift my spirits.

Now since month 9, that changed. The words I love you seem empty. When he texts “I love you” I don’t get the same feeling. In fact to me its empty words. Why have my feelings changed? What’s happening? As I still love my husband and I want to make it work, but I can’t help feeling, he is still feelings, for his bit on the side. He says he is happy, but sad at the same time.

Just like all affairs, he has admitted she made him happy and he was happy at the time of the affair. He has even gone as fair as admitting, he misses her. But now since month 8, on his side he says it’s a horrible mistake, it should never have happened and it’s the biggest mistake of his life. He tries to claim he feels nothing for her. These all just feel like he is telling me what I need to hear. He has moved on and I need to do the same.

How is that even possible?

Did you see words and the word “love” as being empty. Did you believe about the feelings involved? Does this mean I’m flogging a dead horse and my marriage is over?

I could do with hearing from people from both sides of the fence, the cheater and the person that was cheated on.

Based on your description - the length of time of the affair, the initial distance post admission, the slow coming back to real life and to you, his reference to biggest mistake and feeling nothing - it sounds to me like a classic case of limerence on his part.

Had your relationship got into a rut or was life generally becoming mundane for him? Had he reached a mid-life crisis? Had an event happened in his life to remind him of his mortality? I really do think you need to believe him because from your description, I would believe him (objectively speaking, different when you are in the thick of it I know).

The other thing to address is why you're not feeling the sincerity anymore. This could be your delayed reaction to the shock of finding out. These things can take a hell of a time to recover from.

This is the crux of the matter with affairs, they take out one of the fundamental cornerstones of a relationship- trust. Not just trust in their actions, but also trusting that their words mean anything.

You need to check why you're still in the relationship, not just that he's no longer having the affair. Are you sure he makes you happy if you don't believe his words?

I read something the other day which rang true, that if you break up with someone it is a short term (ish) pain. Whereas questioning their actions/words daily is lifelong. Make sure that you're aware that the sting could always be there from his affair.

Good luck @Joolypass

Love isn't a word, it's a feeling. You know when you are loved because your partner doesn't lie and cheat.

Like the PP said. Trust is the fundamental cornerstone in a relationship. I could never trust anything a man said again after he had gall to crush my faith in my significant partner.

I'm never sure if women who stay are incredibly forgiving or incredibly nieve.