Elderly dad worries

[Corinadulas]

I’m one of four siblings and we all live just over an hour away in different directions from our dad who was widowed 7 years ago. He has enjoyed a fantastic retirement over the last 30+ years on a very generous pension and always assured us that he had his long-term care under control with sufficient provision etc. We’ve all doted on him over the years and been helpful and supportive and in turn he has been generous and good company, sadly never quite the same since our mother died but nonetheless we all pulled together.
Now he’s in his 90’s and over the last few years having been in good health now is having mobility and other issues and we have been urging him to make decisions about his future, but he’s always been stubborn, and, frankly, spoilt. He has insisted on staying in his large house with a huge garden which requires a lots of maintenance, staff and running costs etc. I have said so many times that if he was to move near to my family in particular he would have multiple visits from me, my husband and adult children and it would great to see him regularly and take him meals, run errands etc but he insisted on staying where he was despite saying he feels lonely a lot of the time and the fact that it was a long drive for us. He would not entertain the idea of a bungalow even though he struggles with the stairs as he shudders at the thought of living like other old people, ditto ever moving into a home. He’s suggested me and my husband move in with him and said he ‘wouldn’t be any trouble’ but this would mean giving up our independence and long commutes to work plus the rest of the time I would effectively be a cleaner and carer. He said to my siblings and I that if we wanted our inheritance we would need to move in with him. We said we didn’t care about the money it was his welfare that was our concern, we wanted to be assured that he was being looked after.
Last year was terrible, to be honest I was close to a breakdown because he was having regular falls and incidents and calling me and my siblings (though mainly me) with problems and health issues. I took a lot of time off work to take him to appointments, hospital etc. The trouble is it’s never him it’s the ‘damn computer’ or the fault of the world being technological, he gets really cross and can be very negative. The worry I had was off the scale and it affected my mental health and relationships.
After many nights lying awake worrying and hours of research, I found him an affordable live-in carer. This has been brilliant as she keeps the house perfectly, looks after his personal care, cooks, shops etc and it has been a huge relief to us all. He has adapted to this quite well although he’s critical of her weight and the fact that her English isn’t perfect (she’s from Lithuania) so he can’t have ‘intelligent conversations’!
Now it appears that he doesn’t have the funds we thought he had and money is running out rapidly. He doesn’t want to sell his antiques because they ‘give him joy’. None of us have the space to have him live with us, nor are we carers and we are all busy working and with family commitments.
He’s talking about getting rid of the live-in carer as he says he will soon be ‘bankrupt’ though if he downsized and released some capital he could easily afford it for many years, but he simply won’t despite us all offering support to facilitate this. I get that it’s hard at that age, but he’s putting material things before his welfare. I feel selfish for wanting to take a back seat now but I’m feeling frustrated at his lack of consideration over the stress it causes us, and fear once his carer goes we will be pulled in all directions again. My siblings are all very supportive but we are at a loss as to what to do.
Has anyone else been through similar and could offer any advice?

It's possibly time to look at Attendance Allowance and Direct Payments. I'm not an expert, but know they exist. Hopefully someone will be able to further advise you.

I believe that some people are afraid of change
They like their routine
They like the way things are

If he moved, he would still have his memories

If he moved, he may indeed have a better quality of life

You can only suggest

I am in exactly the same position as you OP so you have my sympathies. My DF lives very rurally and has now lost his licence due to medical issues. Lives literally in the middle of nowhere. He has recently come out of hospital and has help and assistance and a shopping call for 6 weeks and then nothing but seems to think I will just step in and takeover. However, I work full time with a long commute and it's not practical as a long term solution.

I am therefore stepping right back until he agrees to put the house (huge great thing in which he's living in 1 room!) on the market and move into town. He is very stubborn and has great emotional ties to the house but I can't think of what else to do. So hopefully once he really is on his own he'll agree that he has to move. That's the theory anyway, no idea if it will work but I too have no clue what to do

I would suggest calling his local social services and having a chat with a social worker. They will give you an idea of what help is available and then if your dad is willing, they will meet with him to discuss a care plan.

My mum was carer for my dad (Parkinson's) but she died very suddenly last year and so we had to get help for my dad quite quickly. He only has state pension and no assets but social services were really great. They installed grab rails and have just approved him for a through floor lift! He has carers twice a day and then I am with him most weekends to do the shopping/sort out his meds etc.

Anyway, you're certainly entitled to talk to a social worker without his initial consent and then if he's agreeable you could set up a meeting with them (they'd go to your dad's property). My dad's council was definitely really supportive.

Have you thought about an equity release scheme? I can't vouch for them at all. But they are a way of extracting money from his house without selling. It might drastically reduce his estate after he's gone, but you say that isn't a concern. And it would replenish his stock of cash so that he could carry on where he is.

Tough love time. What exactly does he think will happen if he doesn't have a live in carer any more and runs out of money but keeps the house? He is an adult, he has capacity, he wants to make his own decisions, so how is he going to manage the consequences of those decisions? It’s insightful of you to describe him as spoilt - you’re going to need to stop spoiling him and stop protecting him from his selfishness (sorry if that’s harsh but I see so many adult kids being run ragged by their spoilt, selfish parents it drives me mad).

Attendance allowance is all very well but won’t fund a live in carer. And social services will fund the minimum he needs (if they think he needs anything), and only if he’s almost completely out of money.

I am in exactly the same position with my grandparents.

The first thing to say is, do not feel guilty - and don’t lose sight of the fact your father is a grown man with 30 odd years more life experience than you. If he has mental capacity then he is able to make his own decisions.

Secondly, hard as it is, try not to cave to the emotional blackmail - keep up your regular visits, phone etc but don’t be sucked into helping him to such a level that is has an impact on your mental health.

Thirdly, intervention time. Could all of your siblings go round and have a very frank conversation with him? No frills and soft soaping, just tell him straight that he is being selfish and impacting the wider family. You love him but there’s a limit to how much you can take and he has to help himself.

If he still refuses, there’s not much to be done sadly, apart from letting him know you will help the moment he agrees to some organised care.

It’s very tough and you have my sympathies.

@OpheliaThrupps

Have you thought about an equity release scheme? I can't vouch for them at all. But they are a way of extracting money from his house without selling. It might drastically reduce his estate after he's gone, but you say that isn't a concern. And it would replenish his stock of cash so that he could carry on where he is.

Don't do this!!!!

Never do this.

Rather selfish and spoilt of him to just expect everyone else to change their lives to accommodate the fact that he simply refuse to look at the reality of his situation...

You need to take a step back.

Make it clear you have no intention of moving in with him to be his live in carer and that he has to make some changes and plan. Talk to your siblings so you can all agree on the same approach.

Speak to a social worker for support.

If you keep going as you are you will ruin your mental and physical health and affect your relationship with your own family.

Live in carers might be your best bet or you might need to make him understand he needs to sell this home and move into something more manageable and accessible. Things are going to get worse if he is in his 90s and you can't carry on as you are.

@OpheliaThrupps

Have you thought about an equity release scheme? I can't vouch for them at all. But they are a way of extracting money from his house without selling. It might drastically reduce his estate after he's gone, but you say that isn't a concern. And it would replenish his stock of cash so that he could carry on where he is.

No, no, no. Do not do this.

They can be so stubborn! My Dad lives with my brother now with carers coming twice a day and me going every day and taking him to school his appointments. He's not lived in his house for 3 years now but still refuses to sell it or even rent it out. It's on 3 floors so completely impractical for him even when he could live on his own. We tried so many times to get him to sell it and buy an apartment in a warden type complex. I think he would have been really happy if he'd done it when he could. Very frustrating!

To all, not school

Nonsense, for a minority of people it's ideal. Ideally, he should downsize and release money that way, but he is adamant he doesn't want to do that. By taking out a equity release loan, he may be able to release a significant sum (large house and in his 90s) to ensure he remains in the house with the carer until he dies.

Equity release companies can be absolute sharks, I would never do this.

@OpheliaThrupps

Have you thought about an equity release scheme? I can't vouch for them at all. But they are a way of extracting money from his house without selling. It might drastically reduce his estate after he's gone, but you say that isn't a concern. And it would replenish his stock of cash so that he could carry on where he is.

I'm a retired Bank Manager. NEVER do the above! You'll lose so much money.

My Dad is in a retirement village. It is AMAZING. It's very modern, it has a bar, a restaurant, a gym, a shop, a carvery, and an entertainment theatre style room, with regular entertainment on, like singers.

There are also lots of activities. It is NOT an "old people's home" in the traditional sense.

My Dad moved there about 18 months ago, and has made so many friends. They mostly meet up about 4 times a week in the bar, many of them zipping down on their scooters, they have some beer and whisky and a chat. To make sure new people settle in, two people knock your door every day for the first two weeks, to check on you, tell you what's happening that day, and they give your tours, introduce you to everyone etc.

You can buy an apartment outright, or you can part buy, and part rent. There are no bills (gas/elec/water), as everything is included.

The apartments are self contained and very modern. There are on site staff, like cleaners (extra), and someone who visits your apartment if you haven't checked in by 11am, to say you're okay. Red pull cords in all the rooms etc.

Here is a link :

www.extracare.org.uk/

I wonder if you had a local one, that you could get your Dad to at least visit, maybe when something was happening.

Oh, and when your Dad passes away, they buy the apartment back from him, you don't have to try to sell it yourself.

I am closer to being your dad than some others posting here, OP. You may be interested in things from the other side, so to speak. My children and grandchildren live relatively far off (some abroad, indeed), and I am gradually becoming less able to cope with the vicissitudes of age and all that. I live in England.

What do I want from my children? My top priority is that I do not want them giving up their lives to look after me. They have their own lives to live, their own children to care for. And I love them all dearly. They do me, too, which means they sometimes need persuading I do not need them to care for specific aspects of my life.

I have a decent pension, some savings and a house worth a small fortune in a beautiful location. So I get what help I can from social services (minimal given my financial status) and pay for help from my income and savings. When these latter run out, or if needs must, I will move into a care home and eventually sell my house to finance ongoing care.

It would be nice if, as a society, we could have worked out sufficient communal provision to see everyone well looked-after in old age, but, sadly, too many of my fellow citizens are too selfish or ignorant for this to have been managed so far. So these my own arrangements are faute de mieux.

If I die before my savings run out, my offspring will inherit the remnants as well as the house. If not ... well they may inherit next-to-nothing in the end. That will not be too bad, I think -- they all have decent jobs and so on, partly as a result of their upbringing ... and as my youngest said when we were discussing all this, 'We have already had a great inheritance from you, Dad; we do not need any more money when you die.' I agree with that.

Meantime, I hope to see children and grandchildren regularly -- but at their convenience (see 'they have lives to live ... ' above). And so, I will continue to enjoy my developing dotage.

Oh, and I have an Advance Directive (ex- Living Will ) saying DNAR etc., if I become too disabled. And I plan to 'exit' (via my 'Switzerland Fund' , currently) if it looks like I am going to get too gaga; I want my children and grandchildren to remember me as a more-or-less fully-functioning human being. I hope this all works; at least I have plans in place, and whilst I know the best-laid plans ... etc., I have done what I can and can do no more.

I recommend all this as a recipe for happiness in old age.

[Btw I second pp's advice re 'equity release' schemes: avoid if you can, they are almost universally run by thieves and scoundrels.]