Advice on dating a DR

[Bellex]

Hello all,

I’ve been dating a DR now for some time and I’m looking for advice from people that have been in similar shoes.

We are both busy people and live over an hour away from each other. He works different shifts including twlights, nights and long day shifts. I do find due to this and the high stress I have to be more accommodating to his needs.

He likes alone time to decompress (again is fine) and I also don’t know if this is also reflective of his prep school/ boarding school background.

But I’m trying to find a balance of seeing each other but everything seems to revolve round him being a doctor. If the signs of things to come?

DR? Doctor?

Sorry yes

I would think about whether that works for you or not. Sounds like revolving your l8fe around his job doesnt work for you.

Its ok to have yr own agenda.
Wish id known that wh3n i was younger

Have you posted about him before?

I think if it’s on his terms now it will remain so.

This is the reality of dating a dr, sorry.

Their life revolves around work and even when they’re not at work all they talk about and think about and read about is work.

Probably time to consider if that’s what you want for the rest of your life and if not consider an exit plan. He won’t change so time to decide if you enjoy having him around enough to put up with it.

There is a lot of things I do enjoy about him and if we lived closer it would probably be abit easier.

Something to think about in regards to everything being revolves around him. Sometimes I don’t even think he gets it

@Wavypurple

This is the reality of dating a dr, sorry.

Their life revolves around work and even when they’re not at work all they talk about and think about and read about is work.

Probably time to consider if that’s what you want for the rest of your life and if not consider an exit plan. He won’t change so time to decide if you enjoy having him around enough to put up with it.

What bollocks. Yes, medicine is a demanding profession, but there is a huge variety in the type of work. There are at least a hundred different specialities. The working pattern of - say- an occupational health physician will be totally different from a transplant surgeon.

OP, the crucial question is whether your DP is a consultant or fully qualified GP yet? If he is, then he has some choice and control over his hours. He may be able to reduce his sessions, but the nature of his work won't fundamentally change. However, if he is still training, then things may look totally different in a couple of years.

He’s 2 years into paediatrics which is 6 Years so no choice over his hours.

Paediatrics will offer him plenty of choice. Hospital paediatrics is going to involve some on-call and weekends, but there are other options, like community paeds, which have more conventional hours.

Also, as a consultant, he will likely have some choice over how many sessions (known as PAs - programmed activities) he works per week. He can opt to work less than full-time, and that will in turn reduce the number of nights and weekends he has to do - as these are in proportion to how full-time you are.

It sounds as if you need a talk to him about how he sees the future. There are lots of workaholics in medicine, but there are also plenty of junior doctors who are desperate to restore their work-life balance as soon as they are through their training.

He’s not a consultant. I am married to a doctor. Although I met him just before he went to med school (in the US). I am afraid the hours are the hours. US residency for instance was 120-150 hours a week sometimes. It was nuts. But we had been friends and partners for seven years at that point so it didn’t matter. Again during COVID he was working insane hours while I was homeschooling the kids. Again, that’s life. It’s how he is when he’s not a doctor that’s important. DH talks about work (and I talk about work to him- I am an academic) but he’s kind, gentle and can always vegetate on a sofa and watch Netflix.

Work must necessarily come first. Some junior doctors don't always have a choice of the area of the country where they work. When not actually in the hospital/on call, he will spend a lot of time & money studying for professional exams. It can all be fine, but you need your own friends, hobbies and an independent life that doesn't rely on him.

My brother and his wife are doctors, working different shifts in different hospitals. They find plenty of time for each other - because they prioritise their relationship. They manage to have plenty of time for their friends and family too.

He's not making time for you because he doesn't want to; not because he can't.

This isn't the usual Dr thread is it? I don't think it is!

He's selfish, and his profession isn't the issue, he is. Either accept you are second in the relationship or finish it.

I dated and married a doctor.
He always did and still makes the effort.
I remember when we first started dating he had worked an obscenely long shift, up all day and night and then despite being absolutely spent he organised to take me out for breakfast because it was my birthday and he was determined to spend it with me.
(At breakfast he got pooped on by a bird twice so we both got lucky).

If you don't take to how he is, chuck him. What difference does it make if he's a doctor? He's showing you what it's like to be in a relationship with him, and you're asking 'Is this what it will be like to be in a relationship with him?'

"everything seems to revolve round him being a doctor"
Like what?
Conversation?
Date plans?
His identity?
I don't think it sounds like much fun to date someone where it's all about them
For whatever reason
If you like him, I suggest dating him casually
& keep your options open
I know it must feel quite fancy to be dating a "DR"
But realities are often nothing like the fantasy
I don't think playing the supporting role in someone's else's movie sounds like much fun
IMO