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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I the one in the wrong?

13 replies

feeldesperate · 14/02/2022 09:47

I feel lost. My husband completely lost it this morning and was running around screaming and telling me to fuck off. He said he was having a breakdown. It was all so loud and aggressive. This was all in front of the kids. He got covid yesterday and said he is feeling off.

I am 9 weeks pregnant, hyperemesis and for the last week have had covid. He is self employed so had to take care of our 2 kids and try to work. It's been a terrible week, he has been constantly screaming at us all. The HG alone was debilitating, the covid essentially put me in bed for a week - I am still not ok and have never felt as ill and exhausted in my life before.

I started bleeding today as he was screaming at me and he shouted you are so dramatic, show me the blood. I locked myself in the bathroom and was vomiting etc because I hadn't had my medication. I didn't want this baby, but he convinced me to go through with it. He was so verbally abusive today, his mood swings have me on constant edge. Today he said it is because he is like my carer, he is doing everything and he is fed up, all I do is sleep. The kids had been in school, the house is a tip and yes he has started to cook because I can't at the minute due to hyperemesis. I normally do everything. I feel lost, we have no support but also I don't actually know what support he would need as his issue seems to be having to do just the bare minimum? He spent all week sitting around. I just feel really low. Today he looked at me as if he absolutely hated me. He can't see my point of view and says I don't understand him and I am completely unreasonable. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:

Original poster

feeldesperate · 14/02/2022 11:27

Hopeful bump

OP posts:

Nightlystroll · 14/02/2022 11:33

Seriously? If this is an honest representation of what happened where you do everything right and he is consistently a lazy jerk, obviously you aren't in the wrong.

Traumdeuter · 14/02/2022 11:33

I’m so sorry.

I think you need to leave. You’ve all been going through a rough few weeks but there is no excuse for that kind of behaviour.

Lou98 · 14/02/2022 11:34

I get it HG is extremely hard, I was absolutely floored with it with my first pregnancy! I'm pregnant with my second and it's harder this time round having another child to also look after!

It sounds like he's stressed from juggling work and the kids but that absolutely does not make it okay to take it out on you. You both made the baby, he should be helping you as much as possible to get through the pregnancy!

It's never okay to shout and swear at you regardless of what's going on and what he said about the bleeding is disgusting.

How is the bleeding now? Have you spoken to your midwife?

MrMrsJones · 14/02/2022 11:36

Divorce him

Motnight · 14/02/2022 12:07

You have options regarding your pregnancy Op, whatever your husband thinks

Original poster

feeldesperate · 14/02/2022 12:14

@Motnight

You have options regarding your pregnancy Op, whatever your husband thinks

I am in a region where abortion is not accessible. I would have to travel and so it's not that easy, especially as I am so ill at the minute. But I was going to ring BPS to get some advice.

OP posts:

Mrsbmama · 14/02/2022 12:17

By the sounds of it, you are both going through a really tough time right now. I'm sorry to hear he is treating you this way, is that type of behaviour out of the blue for him? Has he been heading down this path for a while? (you mentioned his mood swings are making you on edge)

I hope you feel better soon, covid & HG must be so awful to deal with, feeling so rough must have you floored especially with little ones/housework and what not to deal with too.

I'm guessing because you have been out of action for a week he is climbing the walls taking over your usual duties, whilst trying to work too? Which sounds absolutely unreasonable on his behalf. Your supposed to be a unit and to have each others backs, to me it sounds like his resenting having to juggle all of this and isn't coping which is fine but to take it out on you like it's your fault is awful and bang out of order!

I'd suggest a mutual stress free chat together if possible to listen to each other and work something out in terms of him getting some space and work time, whilst you recover AND him if his also got covid, ultimately throwing fits of anger and treating you like shit isn't helping the situation and your both getting stressed out!

I feel so bad for you, I know exactly what it Is like having zero help near by, and you saying him doing the bare minimum is making him this way sounds like your going to hit a brick wall in terms of working this out. Do you have anything planned for valentines today? Maybe a cuddle up with a movie will help lighten his mood and stress for you guys to be able to talk about how he is making you feel. Listen to him too if his not coping, and maybe offer a solution to something that is aggravating him the most (if your able too)

Sending virtual hugs, don't allow him to treat you this way, I hope you can work things out and your all better soon.

Have you spoken someone about the bleeding lovely? I do hope your ok.

RedRobyn2021 · 14/02/2022 12:27

As someone who has had HG, this really upsets me

I'm so sorry

I don't know what to suggest

Can you ask for some help from your mum?

How he is behaving is wrong.

Hdhr8jsj · 14/02/2022 13:14

This is awful OP. You need to leave and keep your children and yourself safe. Have an abortion if you want to.

Auntycorruption · 15/02/2022 09:55

Leave him, take your existing children.

If the HG means you can't look after them on your own i would have an abortion.

TheFoundation · 15/02/2022 10:43

You haven't done anything wrong, but your willingness to believe this might be your fault will keep you trapped where you are.

Regardless of what you ever might have done or said, regardless of how stressed or upset he is, there is no excuse whatsoever for his behaviour. Forget blame. Focus on how you feel, and let that be your guide regarding making decisions. If someone makes you feel like shit, distance yourself from them. If someone makes you feel good, stay close to them. That's boundaries, self respect, protection from abuse and mistreatment in your future, in all your relationships, covered, without ever having to refer to who is to blame/wondering if it's your fault.

Suzanne999 · 15/02/2022 14:42

Well if he’s like this after you’ve been feeling unwell for 9 weeks ( maximum) how will he cope if anyone in your family becomes ill long term ?
He’s an adult, there are children to care for, he cannot behave like his. We all want to have a hissy fit at times but we can’t an we’ve learnt to contain it.
If his behaviour is as bad as you describe ( and I don’t doubt it) then he has serious problems. Whether to continue the pregnancy is your choice—- your body, your choice.
It’s awful having to make such decisions when you feel so unwell. Is there someone you can stay with ( appreciate you may have to test negative for Covid before you can stay with someone) I think you need some time out to decide your future.

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