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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I think about leaving DH all the time

7 replies

RingAroundRosie · 14/02/2022 07:11

My husband and I live on mainland Europe in a German speaking country. He has never learned the language and doesn’t earn much of an income. I am the main breadwinner but feel resentful that he hasn’t learned German and doesn’t want to perform his trade anymore. He is a builder and sick of it. But underneath all of that I feel underloved and under appreciated. He is not affectionate and a real loner. (He is also dyslexic and has severe social anxiety, largely untreated). He is almost incapable of having emotionally difficult conversations. We don’t click on an emotional level anymore, perhaps ever. I want to split up but I can’t see how he can support himself here. I can manage our current mortgage and kids without him, but we can’t afford two households unless he earns way more. One option is he goes back home, which he says he would hate and we have two teens here so I am not keen on that idea. He has been loyal and supportive of me but I fear I just want a different kind of partner. I feel like a bad person and that I would be screwing him over but at the same time he has had ample time and support from me to retrain or learn German and he hasn’t. I feel very lonely.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 14/02/2022 07:15

Make the decision and tell him you want a divorce

It doesn’t sound like there’s any reason to stay together other than you feel responsible for him in some way.

RingAroundRosie · 14/02/2022 07:17

Divorce would mean he would lose his immigration status and would be forced to leave.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 14/02/2022 07:20

Is he British? Wouldn't he retain some rights under the withdrawal agreement or does that not count in the country you are in?

Regardless, he is not your responsibility.

SayMumOneMoreTime · 14/02/2022 07:20

It's a really difficult situation, but the choice is your happiness and future being sacrificed for his status quo. It doesn't sound like he's very happy either, so to do nothing means you are both unhappy. Have you spoken to him about how you feel?

BertieBotts · 14/02/2022 07:20

He may be able to apply for status due to the children?

RingAroundRosie · 14/02/2022 07:23

Thank you all for your thoughts. He is on a two-year permit, which is based on our marriage. (I have Swiss citizenship). He would need to demonstrate enough German to move to a five-year permit. Home for him is New Zealand.

OP posts:
ThatPirateLady · 23/11/2022 19:19

Why do you feel you need to problem solve his life after you split? Has he made you completely responsible for him?

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