Step dad is a vile individual

[Mumtothethreeamigos]

My step dad bullies my mum and controls her. He has repeatedly told me they have nothing in common and he doesn’t know why they are together. I’ve told my mum he says these things and it makes me feel very uncomfortable. She just says oh of course we have things in common.
What I haven’t told her is that last year I asked to speak with him as I was sexually abused as a child and was very worried about telling my mum. He said the following to me: your problem is you have too much sex appeal. I think your mum is jealous of you because you are better looking than her. I don’t see you as a daughter. I have a daughter and you definitely aren’t one to me.

I’ve recently emailed him saying I don’t want contact with him because of these things.

Do I tell my mum? It would break her heart and her relationship I’m sure.

I feel I’m almost colluding with him if I don’t tell her but if I do then I’m causing her so much pain.

She lost my dad when she was 49 to cancer and was heartbroken.

He sounds like a creep. I'd tell her

How old are you? Can you discuss everything with a counsellor to help you, then tell your mum? Whatever you do, tell your mum.

I’m 45 so not young. He’s in his 70’s. Do you really think I should tell my mum even though it could destroy her ‘relationship’ ? I think she’s so scared of being alone she would rather be with him than that

I don't understand why, if he is a bully and a control freak, that you would confide this to him. He's entirely the wrong person and will use the information.

That was very inappropriate to say by him. Victim blaming at its best. Unfortunately your mum may not feel like she can leave due to age, or other reason. It’s so hard when you know someone you love is being abused so be there for her, it’s not easy so do take care of yourself too. With regards to your stepdad, he clearly feels entitled.

Although he is bullying and controlling he does offer her support on his terms. I sought his advice because I was at my wits end and had no one else I could ask about talking to my mum about potential abuse. I’m not sure why I spoke to him is relevant. I never imagined he would say the things he did. My concern now is so I tell my mum what he said or just tell her I never want to speak to him or see him again because I don’t like the way he treats her

I know of a few women in a similar situation and I'm not saying don't tell her just that, if you do, be prepared for her to ignore it or deny it so that she can maintain her relationship with him.

Do you think she would believe you if you told her what he said? She may stick with him and choose to cut you out of her life rather than risk losing him. You may be better off speaking to a relevant organisation that deals with the abuse that you suffered and having minimal contact/no contact with either of them.

@ImJustMadAboutSaffron

I don't understand why, if he is a bully and a control freak, that you would confide this to him. He's entirely the wrong person and will use the information.

He sounds absolutely horrible but I cannot for the life of me why you would think he would react like anything other than the awful man he is. But that’s done now and his response will hopefully strengthen your resolve not to have anything to do with him

I never imagined he would say sexually inappropriate things to me. He has always been nice to me, he is autistic and I guess I assumed his treatment of my mum was part of this, he is very rigid. I maybe haven’t told the full story as he has been good to us in the past and I just needed some advice. I thought he would know the right thing to do I’m terms of not hurting my mum. I realise I was silly but you have to remember I’m dealing with very traumatic memories and information and maybe not thinking as I normally would. When you feel desperate you do silly things. She wouldn’t cut me off I don’t think but for the information I share to potentially be the ending of her relationship would be very hard for her and me.

It sounds like your mum doesn’t want to hear the truth about him so unfortunately I doubt she will want to hear it now.
I’m sorry you aren’t getting support but you are looking in the wrong place sadly.

Oh don’t worry I realise this. This all happened over 13 months ago. It’s all come to a head again recently as he’s been slagging her off to me again. I’ve been seeing a therapist which has helped. She won’t tell me what I should and shouldn’t do (quite rightly) hence asking for peoples thoughts here

I would try to disengage from him as much as possible. My mothers husband is similar. My mother is with him because the fear of being alone is worse. And he their way they love each other.

I respect my mothers decision but try to be there as little as possible. I will take my mum out to paces and spend time with her that way.

Now as an older adult I do wonder why she stayed with him. But my mum has always been submissive unfortunately I realised too late I was too but I'm trying to change that now.