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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Communicating with broken family

9 replies

expat101 · 13/02/2022 21:37

Two of my sibling Cousins and I are extremely close in age and spent a lot of time together in our younger years. As we grew up, I probably heard more from my male one than my female one.

Moving forward, my male cousin and his parents have had a huge falling out and they don't get to see their grandchildren as a consequence. He blames his sister (quite possible) and they blame his wife (also quite possible). I live in a different country to them these days, so communicate with everyone either through social media, messaging or emails although not very frequently with female cousin (used to, but then she would say don't tell my parents this and that, and lastly not to bother her parents which to me is a bit off).

Something that I agree with my Uncle is we cannot be sure who is accessing my male Cousin's email accounts and replying on them. He works away from home for long periods of time, and we don't know his schedule. Recently I let ''him'' know of his parents' hospitalization and that of another family member. No one else had done so, and I thought it would be a good opportunity for him to re-connect at least with his Mum. My message/s were always appreciated although at one point, whoever was replying on messenger, wasn't reading a relevant email that had been sent earlier.

My Cousin didn't go and see/contact his parents, nor contacted the other family member. I would have thought he could have sent a quick message if he was away with work, but nothing.

On the flip side, Cousin remarked that no one (I guess this includes me) told him about a family wedding recently until he found out elsewhere.. so I feel like he does want to know family goings-on.

If it was you, would you still keep male cousin (or whoever is accessing his accounts) up to date or let them get on with it?

Would you show his family photos of their grandchildren that were sent?

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/02/2022 22:00

"Recently I let ''him'' know of his parents' hospitalization and that of another family member. No one else had done so, and I thought it would be a good opportunity for him to re-connect at least with his Mum"

Why?. That was never yours to decide. He may well have blocked other family members from contacting him. Adult children do not generally speaking adopt a low or even a no contact position with their family of origin on some sudden whim or fancy; its often done after many years of soul searching and emotional pain from being on the receiving end from family members.

The road to hell is full of good intentions and your thoughts here re him reconnecting with his mother are more likely than not to be totally misguided.

It is very likely he does not want to contact his parents at all (this goes far deeper than a "huge falling out") and you're not helping here any by acting, albeit completely unintentionally, as one of the flying monkeys.

You've likely as well come from an emotionally healthy family unit, he was not so lucky.

People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles and your male cousin could well be the scapegoat in his family with his sister being the more favoured child. He blames her for that happening and his parents blame his wife (his parents may think she stole him away from them); again a typical scenario in dysfunctional and otherwise emotionally unhealthy families. In his family he's been cast out of the familial fold; that is why no-one is telling him about family events and such like.

"Would you show his family photos of their grandchildren that were sent?"

No.

Nailsbythesea · 13/02/2022 22:08

@AttilaTheMeerkat

"Recently I let ''him'' know of his parents' hospitalization and that of another family member. No one else had done so, and I thought it would be a good opportunity for him to re-connect at least with his Mum"

Why?. That was never yours to decide. He may well have blocked other family members from contacting him. Adult children do not generally speaking adopt a low or even a no contact position with their family of origin on some sudden whim or fancy; its often done after many years of soul searching and emotional pain from being on the receiving end from family members.

The road to hell is full of good intentions and your thoughts here re him reconnecting with his mother are more likely than not to be totally misguided.

It is very likely he does not want to contact his parents at all (this goes far deeper than a "huge falling out") and you're not helping here any by acting, albeit completely unintentionally, as one of the flying monkeys.

You've likely as well come from an emotionally healthy family unit, he was not so lucky.

People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles and your male cousin could well be the scapegoat in his family with his sister being the more favoured child. He blames her for that happening and his parents blame his wife (his parents may think she stole him away from them); again a typical scenario in dysfunctional and otherwise emotionally unhealthy families. In his family he's been cast out of the familial fold; that is why no-one is telling him about family events and such like.

"Would you show his family photos of their grandchildren that were sent?"

No.

This 100%.

I am NC with my parents after many many years of being in a highly emotionally, mentally and physically abusive relationship. My father does not abuse my brother or sister (both married) but he abused me - I was beaten round the head all of my childhood every time I lost a mark. I moved away and then things got better.

Recently we were connecting and then he started abusing one of my children like he abused me and the other was a ‘golden child’ I am NC to protect myself and my children.

If anyone took a picture that I sent then it took one off Facebook I would seriously delete that person out of my life. My parents do not know my address as I have sold my house and moved. My siblings do not know my new address or they would pass it on etc - trust that you do not know the situation. Respect and support them and do not get involved.

I would engage with any family member who reached out who made it clear they supported me and would not stir the pot or make comments like ‘you only have one mum’ etc I don’t need any more gaslighting from someone who doesn’t understand abuse

expat101 · 14/02/2022 20:16

Thank you for your replies.

Both parties have made it clear to me they would like to hear from the other, but no one will make the first move believing it’s up to the other to do so and both parties would prefer that the two members they see as the cause of the trouble, no longer be around. Naturally that isn’t going to happen,..

Both parties also know I’m in touch with the other too.

I appreciate hearing your experiences. I’m sorry if this brought up bad memories for you in replying.

OP posts:
Louisianagumbo · 14/02/2022 20:22

I think its nice that you're a point of connection between the two of them. I'm sure if your cousin didn't want his parents to see the photos of the GC, he would have said so, knowing that you're in touch with them. Definitely inform him but leave him to decide the right time to get in touch.
You sound like a kind and concerned relative.

mindutopia · 14/02/2022 20:34

I think you need to ask him what he’s comfortable with. It’s not your place to try to ‘re-connect’ him with his family and you very likely know little about what really happened. Very few people distance themselves from family for trivial reasons.

I am NC with my family (well, my mum and stepdad as no other living family except my children). I would want to know if my mum was seriously ill (though not sure what I’d do with that information as I don’t even know where she lives and I wouldn’t easily be able to travel there even if I did). I wouldn’t want regular updates from meddling family members though. The damage she caused to my life and my children’s lives has been absolutely devastating. Hearing that she’s got a new car or went on holiday or whatever would just open up all those wounds again. It’s horrible to know she’s chosen the dysfunctional life she lives over us. I would also very swiftly cut off anyone who shared photos of my children or any information about them as there are very good child protection reasons why I don’t. You really never know what is happening behind closed doors. People still can’t believe my mum has done the things she has. She presents very differently to people who are outside the family.

If you care about your cousins, support them and respect their decisions and be grateful you’ve never been put in a position to have to make a decision like that.

A580Hojas · 14/02/2022 20:38

I'm stuck on this - what is a sibling cousin?

Newschapter · 14/02/2022 20:42

@A580Hojas

I'm stuck on this - what is a sibling cousin?
Cousins who are siblings.

Brother snd sister I believe, from the OPS post...

expat101 · 14/02/2022 20:51

Thanks Newschapter that is correct.

OP posts:
unfortunateevents · 14/02/2022 20:51

If you don't know who is accessing his social media or emails, why do you use that method to communicate? Can you not call him?

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