Would you make one final attempt with ILs?

[DetailMouse]

DH had been more or less NC with his parents for 20 years. We did exchange Christmas and Birthday cards and they sent cash in DC's. All a bit of a nonsense really, but to begin with I fully expected it to blow over and then stopping seemed like it would be a big deal.

They always thought the "trouble" was down to me, but it really wasn't. In fact it was me who encouraged DH to keep in touch for years before the final straw, when probably I should have recognised DH would be happier without them. And he was. It was hard for me to see it because in my family, although we fall out, we make up and everything's OK again. Theirs was completely different with grudges held for years.

DH died. He was very ill for about 6 months and adamant he didn't want them to know. He left them a letter explaining that it was his decision, that I was to post after the funeral. He didn't want them to come and make a scene at the funeral like they did at our wedding I sent the letter as instructed, with a short covering note with dates. I have heard nothing at all since and they have stopped sending birthday cards to DC.

My Dad thinks I should try and become civil with them for the sake of DC's inheritance. I've no idea what there is, but they do own their home and have only one other GC. I think no one needs an inheritance that much and it would definitely come with strings attached, even if it happened.

I did feel bad for the fact that they hadn't been told, but the not even sending condolences or getting in touch to see how DC are and cutting them off, just proves DH was right to my mind.

Or am I letting DC down by not making more effort?

It's not that Dad is being grabby, he's genuinely concerned that DC are being deprived of something that should be theirs. FWIW DC will probably inherit well from my parents (although hopefully not for a very long time)

You can't have it both ways. Personally I wouldn't go near them.

Your children do not have a right to anyones money.

It sounds a difficult situation. Personally I would respect your DHs wishes and stay away from them. The DCs aren’t entitled to any inheritance and it would be very wrong to worm your way back in for cash.
From your ILs perspective I think it would have been very hurtful to hear about their sons death that way. I understand it was your DHs wishes, but I think you need to give them time to process that. They will feel very excluded from your family so I am not entirely surprised they have stopped sending your DCs cards.
I am NC with some family members and I would never contact them in the hope of inheritance, it seems very wrong.

So sorry you’ve lost your husband

I think you trust his view of them, he knew them much longer than you have. He didn’t want them around his children, that’s all you need to remember.

Honestly OP, I’m NC with my mother who’s never met my DCs and I sure as shit wouldn’t want them having any inheritance from her (moot as she doesn’t have a pot to piss in).

I remember your earlier post OP
Your DH was NC with them for good reason and if he'd wanted to reunite with them before he passed away he could have done so. I do think they're probably hurt that he didn't want to reconnect with them before he died but it was his valid choice. If they've stopped sending your DCs birthday cards it sounds unlikely they want a relationship with you and your DCs without your DH in the picture. I wouldn't expect anything further from them nor encourage a relationship between your DC and them which would go against your late DHs wishes just on the offchance of your DCs potentially inheriting some cash in their will.

My Dad thinks I should try and become civil with them for the sake of DC's inheritance".

Why?. Your dad is wrong herre and toxic people like your late H's parents can and do use money as a means of controlling their chosen targets.

" I've no idea what there is, but they do own their home and have only one other GC. I think no one needs an inheritance that much and it would definitely come with strings attached, even if it happened".

Why would you want your children, your most precious of resources, to potentially inherit money that comes with a whole load of obligation attached to it?. No, no and no again. There is no guarantee either that your children would actually inherit a penny and they could give it all to this other grandchild of theirs (if they are narcissistic in nature this is a very real possibility because that child is the golden child) or a charity they had no real or direct interest in. Stay away from his parents going forward, you will thank your stars ultimately that you did.

Sorry for your loss🌻

May i ask if you are aware of what your DH wrote?
Is it possible he requested that they not contact you and to let you and the children get on with your lives as he feared that they would be a destructive rather than a constructive influence?

Thank you you've all confirmed what I thought.

For Dad, family is everything and you make the effort to overcome difficulties. That's why I found it difficult to understand DH for so long. I think if you come from a "normal" family it's hard to understand just how damaging the other sort can be. And of course they were usually perfectly pleasant engaging people publicly, in small doses - except at our wedding which DF was very hurt by at the time, but was a long time ago.

He said something about it being in DC's interests to make an effort. My response was that it may (or may not) be in their financial interests, but it won't be in their interests and could be harmful in every other way.

I wasn't surprised by their response, TBH it's probably the best outcome all round, I was worried they'd try and involve themselves with DC and stir up trouble now they're old enough for contact to be direct and DH isn't there to stop it, but if they were going to do that I don't think they'd have stopped the birthday presents.

I didn't read DH's letter, but it was very short, just said it was his decision I think. He could have asked them to let us grieve in peace I suppose.

I wouldn't want their money and to be honest they probably would use it as bribery and leave everything to the other GC.

If you didn't read the letter it likely said please don't contact my wife or children. It sounds like they are honouring just wish and so should you really. There's no good to come from introducing toxic grandparents into the lives of grieving children. Let them go, OP. They might feel like a link to your late DH but they aren't.

No, let it go.