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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband won't even kiss me

25 replies

Cmariem · 13/02/2022 17:11

Long story short for over a year now my husband has been stuck between loving me and wanting the marriage to work and not loving me and wanting to move on. At the beginning of February we moved into our new home and I was determined for it to be a fresh start for us all. I done all the unpacking, was very affectionate and was very upbeat and positive. I thought we were getting on really well, until I caught him crying. He admitted that he thought our marriage was over and he had fallen out of love with me. To say I was devastated is an understatement. I told him he can't help how he feels and will understand if he wants to end things. I also asked him if he could find somewhere else to stay (I'm a stay at home mum to our three children youngest being 2 and autistic so I can't leave). Now he's saying he wants it to work and has a lot of love and care for me and would like to stay. I agreed he could. However since then he won't hug or kiss me or spend any time with me and makes plans with everyone but me. I feel like he is just keeping me around to look after himself and the children. Is anyone on here able to give me the kick up the bum I need? I just can't bring myself to leave him, I love him very much and want our marriage to work, but I'm feed up of being heartbroken and just want to be happy. I also have no friends or family to lean on for support. Thanks for reading Smile

OP posts:
gemsand · 13/02/2022 17:14

Sounds like he has a deep love for you but that he is maybe not sexually attracted to you? The reason for this might be that he is attracted to someone else?

Susu49 · 13/02/2022 17:23

Hmm I'm going to think less kindly of him and suggest that he knows he's fallen out of love with you but is either:

He doesnt want to leave his children
Or is too cowardly to take the step of ending it
Or is waiting until he has better options (new place to live/new girlfriend)

Either way, treat yourself with greater respect and "get your ducks in a row"...Take charge, arm yourself with copies of key docs for splitting etc and build a happier life for yourself.

I'm really sorry you're going through this Flowers

miltonj · 13/02/2022 17:45

Sounds like the stress and reality of life have hit him, kids ASD toddler etc. It's harder to love someone when your life isn't as easy. But that is the test of his strength of love for you, his resilience and character. He's failed that. I'm really sorry. He doesn't get to string you along though, especially as it's been a year! He shouldn't have moved into a new home with you knowing how he felt. This isn't fair in you, if he can't get it together and properly end it so that you can rebuild yourself a happy life, then you have to be the one to do it for him. Xx

GeneLovesJezebel · 13/02/2022 17:48

I think he just can’t leave yet, but it will happen.
If I were you I’d be getting my ducks in a row behind the scenes.

KeepingAnOpenMind · 13/02/2022 18:06

Agree. Get your ducks in a row.

Lollypop701 · 13/02/2022 18:24

Can you access counselling? Tbh I’d be telling him to move out, get his head sorted and decide what he wants…. You need to take charge, even though it’s hard, because it appears the current arrangement is working for him. It’s better for you to properly split before he meets someone else,

AdultingInTheCountryside · 13/02/2022 18:33

He’s doesn’t love you and he only wants to try because if he doesn’t he will end up in a small flat whilst you stay at home with the kids until they older. He will lose at least half of what he owns in the divorce and that is what he doesn’t want to lose, his money and home but he is fine with losing you if he wasnt he would be able to kiss you but he can’t.

caringcarer · 13/02/2022 19:12

Why would you want to stay married to a person who does not even kiss Anand hug you. If you stay with him he will destroy you.

Linguini · 13/02/2022 19:18

He's in love with someone else, or he can't cope with being a dad and wants to jerk off on his own forever. Either way I'm really sorry this is happening to you. That's really shit.

StrangerBings · 13/02/2022 19:31

Exactly the same way my DH acted. There was someone else that he was spending his energy on. Wait for it. My guessing is that she hasn't got to the point of leaving her husband/kids yet which is why you get the see-saw of affection.

Pembertonrd · 13/02/2022 21:40

There’s another woman.
She’ll emerge soon.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/02/2022 21:59

There might not be another women Hmm

OP, I really feel for you. Life sounds tiring and complicated enough without having him flip flopping hanging over you too.

In your gut what do you feel is going on? Lack of energy for you both to nurture your marriage? Growing apart? Him detaching for another reason?

WTF475878237NC · 13/02/2022 22:04

Maybe it's 15 years on this site but my gut reaction to this was he's waiting for the ow to decide if she can leave her husband and it's tearing your guy apart as he feels so guilty, loves you but not in love in etc but can't fake it with you.

BringOnTheOtherWorlders · 14/02/2022 02:48

From your description it seems like he wants to leave, but he can't afford it. He sounds stuck and all he can do is mentally and emotionally leave, but not physically.

Pyewhacket · 14/02/2022 02:54

@BringOnTheOtherWorlders

From your description it seems like he wants to leave, but he can't afford it. He sounds stuck and all he can do is mentally and emotionally leave, but not physically.
Agree with this.
Momijin · 14/02/2022 06:23

OP he needs to feel what it is like to live without you and your love. Tell him to go. It may make him realise that he loves you or the opposite. But this is no life for you.

MsDogLady · 14/02/2022 08:18

Cmariem, when you wrote your previous thread in September, most posters thought it likely that your H was having an affair.

When he announced in 1/21 that he didn’t think he loved you, he created great distance between you. He said very hurtful things and blamed you. He cut you off entirely, including your involvement in his business as his long-time advisor. He started working as late as 10:00. He built a team and trashed the plans for you to work there after your youngest started nursery, something he had always pushed. He also put a stop to your going by for lunch.

At the time of the September thread, he was excited about starting a new venture. He spoke of rewarding his ‘amazing’ team with shares in the new company. He carried on about them. As you had always been his biggest champion, advisor and supporter, you felt left behind. You actually have some shares in one of his smaller businesses and had been learning about its finances. You had agreed that, if you should separate, you would run this business to support yourself and the children. However, he had recently ‘slipped up’ and said that if you separated he might move everything to another company solely in his name. You felt financially threatened, as this is what he was already doing to shaft a family member. You feared he planned to divorce you and leave you with nothing.

As for your relationship, whenever you tried to discuss working on your marriage, he would stonewall and tell you to stop stressing him. He would make incongruent statements, like he loved you and didn’t see life without you, but he felt no emotional connection and didn’t like being around you. You were adamant that you wanted to save your marriage, but posters advised you to see a solicitor to learn your options.

Except for the move, it sounds like nothing has changed. He treated you with such contempt last year, and he is still putting distance between you and jerking you around.

I am very sorry, but I believe that he has been and is involved with an OW, likely someone at work. I also believe that if you stay with him, you will become diminished beyond recognition, and that your children will be absorbing a very unhealthy relationship model. In your shoes, I would visit a solicitor asap. Flowers

wingscrow · 14/02/2022 08:43

I think you are giving him too much power and letting him mess you around without consequences.

He doesn't know what he wants and you are allowing him to keep changing his mind and drag things on.

Accept that this relationship is not working anymore and tell him to leave. You might both still have feelings for each other but sometimes love isn't enough.

You are not happy and you deserve better than this constant uncertainty and drama.

2DogsOnMySofa · 14/02/2022 08:45

I think when you asked him to leave his chickens started coming home to roost for him. He realised he'd lose his new home, not be able to see his dc 24/7 and lose his live in cleaner, cook, childminder etc, and let's face it, if he's showing you no affection and not spending any time with you, that's exactly what he's treating you as !

Original poster
Cmariem · 14/02/2022 10:20

@MsDogLady

Cmariem, when you wrote your previous thread in September, most posters thought it likely that your H was having an affair.

When he announced in 1/21 that he didn’t think he loved you, he created great distance between you. He said very hurtful things and blamed you. He cut you off entirely, including your involvement in his business as his long-time advisor. He started working as late as 10:00. He built a team and trashed the plans for you to work there after your youngest started nursery, something he had always pushed. He also put a stop to your going by for lunch.

At the time of the September thread, he was excited about starting a new venture. He spoke of rewarding his ‘amazing’ team with shares in the new company. He carried on about them. As you had always been his biggest champion, advisor and supporter, you felt left behind. You actually have some shares in one of his smaller businesses and had been learning about its finances. You had agreed that, if you should separate, you would run this business to support yourself and the children. However, he had recently ‘slipped up’ and said that if you separated he might move everything to another company solely in his name. You felt financially threatened, as this is what he was already doing to shaft a family member. You feared he planned to divorce you and leave you with nothing.

As for your relationship, whenever you tried to discuss working on your marriage, he would stonewall and tell you to stop stressing him. He would make incongruent statements, like he loved you and didn’t see life without you, but he felt no emotional connection and didn’t like being around you. You were adamant that you wanted to save your marriage, but posters advised you to see a solicitor to learn your options.

Except for the move, it sounds like nothing has changed. He treated you with such contempt last year, and he is still putting distance between you and jerking you around.

I am very sorry, but I believe that he has been and is involved with an OW, likely someone at work. I also believe that if you stay with him, you will become diminished beyond recognition, and that your children will be absorbing a very unhealthy relationship model. In your shoes, I would visit a solicitor asap. Flowers

This really hit home, thank you. You are absolutely spot on. I am getting frustrated at myself! Why can't I just walk away? Why do I keep putting up with this? When he is at work I feel strong and ready to move on, but the minute he is home I turn to mush. In September I had had enough and told him he either loved me and wanted the marriage to work or he was out. He chose to stay and work on the marriage, and was amazing, until recently. We had a wonderful Christmas and I was so happy to have my husband back. Which is why I was so shocked to find him upset about the marriage being over last week. As soon as I feel happy and secure in the marriage he changes his mind, then as soon as I feel strong enough to move and and build a new and happy life he goes back to being the man I feel in love with and I'm hocked again. I really need to get my stuff together and stop hoping for him to fall back in love with me. The person I was a few years ago would be cross at the woman I am today, I always said I knew my worth and wouldn't put up with this kind of behaviour, yet here I am!
OP posts:
Original poster
Cmariem · 14/02/2022 10:21

@2DogsOnMySofa

I think when you asked him to leave his chickens started coming home to roost for him. He realised he'd lose his new home, not be able to see his dc 24/7 and lose his live in cleaner, cook, childminder etc, and let's face it, if he's showing you no affection and not spending any time with you, that's exactly what he's treating you as !
I think you could be right
OP posts:
Runnerduck34 · 14/02/2022 10:50

So sorry you ate going through this, I think pp have offered good advice.
It's so hard when the person you love blows hot and cold, it destroys you and you end up questioning your sanity.
Please step away.
I had a similar relationship with a previous boyfriend, luckily no dc, and when it ended I actually felt relief and slept through the night in the first time in ages, although I thought I loved him the relationship was really damaging me and it was a relief to let it go.
I didn't read your previous thread, possibly if you still love each other you could try counselling, however it sounds like it may be best for your self preservation to split.
See a solicitor and get your ducks in a row, copy any financial records etc.
Having DC is a life changer and can be hard particularly when a DC has SEN , you need a supportive partner not one who will undermine your self worth

Original poster
Cmariem · 14/02/2022 11:01

Thank you all so much for replying, I really appreciate it. I know it's time to put my big girl pants on and sort things out.

OP posts:
Orgee13 · 04/11/2024 16:29

Hello!

Just wanting to know if you had an update on this thread please? I’m doing through an incredibly similar situation at the moment including having no family etc for support.

thank you!

Original poster
Cmariem · 05/11/2024 09:46

Orgee13 · 04/11/2024 16:29

Hello!

Just wanting to know if you had an update on this thread please? I’m doing through an incredibly similar situation at the moment including having no family etc for support.

thank you!

I’m so sorry to hear you are going through this. Unfortunately it turned out my husband was having an affair. It’s been a very difficult few years, but we are trying to work through it. My husbands attitude towards me changed when I stoped trying and focused on my self, not only that but I became a lot happier and started to realise I would be absolutely fine on my own, if it came to that. The hardest part for me was having no support. Thank god for my children, if it wasn’t for them I’m not sure I would have made it.

OP posts:
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