I've blown it with a potential amazing man!

[loveyoutothemoon]

So my last thread was 2 months ago (I binned my boyfriend as he didn't listen to my boundaries - repeatedly thinking he didn't need permission during sex). Not sure it's relevent.

I met someone that seemed really genuine, down to earth, grounded, sensible but fun, interested in things I said and just an all rounder lovely person. I was attracted to him too. (I know you can't always tell for sure after 1 date but I felt comfortable with him). Our second date was planned for today, and I felt excited. It came to today and I bailed. Felt that my heart wasn't in it. I just love my weekends to myself. But why do I feel so gutted?! I now regret letting him down, it was only a drink but I couldn't be bothered. I don't want to feel this way though, I want to feel like it's not an issue and just want to go.

I messaged him and said that my heart wasn't in it and that I was so used to being on my own. But that I thought he was genuine and wished him well. He was lovely about it.

I've been on my own for such a long time and had plenty of dates where I didn't feel a connection. So now, why have I done this with someone I really connected with? I thought I was ready to have a relationship. I know that I don't just want casual. Not sure where my head is at.

Anyone else like this?

You don’t know you had a genuine connection after 1 date. Subconsciously, perhaps, you weren’t into him and binned him. Perhaps seek some therapy to explore your feelings in this issue.

2 months really isn't that long to be on your own.

Is it worth taking some more time out before dating? Rushing into things can make me feel a little like you describe

Yes I agree that you can't see a true connection after 1 date, I stated similar in my post. The thing is, I did like him! Yes I'm wondering if I need some help to unpick things maybe.

But yeah maybe I need to be on my own for longer.

Thank you.
My last relationship only lasted 5-6 months so I still class myself as having being on my own for years! I don't really count it as a proper relationship.

Do you mean you felt a bit 'meh' about him?

@Lightstoobright no not at all! I don't get it.

I understand about wanting the weekend to yourself. It can feel like a lot of effort. Would you up for organising an evening drink with him mid-week? It's probably not too late to get back to him?

Yes it can really. Yes that's been a possibility. If it was the other way around, I'd feel hesitant if the person got back in touch though. I don't want him to feel that I'm messing around and worrying that I'd be cancelling again!

it was only a drink

God, have you seen the weather? I wouldn’t be dragging myself beyond my front door for a paltry drink on a Sunday afternoon - not unless it was with someone I was already madly in love with.

Dating shouldn’t be a duty. Maybe you were genuinely excited, but it clearly felt like an unnecessary chore when it came to the point.

If you're sure you're not going to cancel again....then you have nothing to lose. Just message him and say:

I'm sorry - I'm not exactly sure why today felt like too much but it did. I was wondering if we could try this again with a drink during the week if you had a free evening? I totally get why you might not be up for it after me cancelling today so no hard feelings.

How long were you in the last relationship?

I get this sometimes but when you're super excited about a date you just know, if the excitement isn't there then it's likely to be a waste of time anyway.

@Lolabray 5-6 months, but before that not had a relationship for years.

@TottersBlankly The weather wasn't really in my mind. But yeah I was excited until today.
@Carolcole I'm tempted but unsure.
@iwishu just wish I could have been just as excited today!

@loveyoutothemoon ok well if you're unsure just let it go. I wasn't sure I could be bothered to go on a date, was a weird place, tired of dating and had big travel plans etc. Only went because my friend said I was being a bit crap to cancel at the last minute and I should just make the effort to get showered and dressed and go for the bloody drink.

And, of course, we got married and are still happily so some 15 years later.

But if you've cancelled him once then don't mess him about if you're not even up for a mid-week drink and don't make anymore weekend dates with anyone.

@Carolcole wow, I bet you were so glad that you listened to your friend! Happy for you.
Having thought about things, and reading these replies I think I would like to meet in the week with him, but agree to not making weekend dates with people. If I don't message him soon it could be too late, but something is stopping me!

@loveyoutothemoon - if what's stopping you is because it's embarrassing and he might just ignore or nicely tell you thanks but no thanks... just do it.

If it's any other reason, then leave him be.

Since when has 2 months been "such a long time" ?? 😳

What is stopping you? Maybe write down all the possible reasons.

I've messaged him, but I won't be surprised if he's not interested. I've never done this before!
@MissMaple82 in the grand sheme of things it's been a long time, There's been no-one of relevence in the 10 years since my long term ex.

*scheme

I can relate to this, although not sure if the reasons are the same. But after 1 really amazing date with a guy I was secretly hoping he would cancel the 2nd one as I just couldn't face more dating/relationship nonsense.

Also been single and very independent a long time, and also know I don't want casual... But the idea of a relationship progressing scares the shit out of me/bores me when I remember the over familiar drudgery of seeing someone all the time 😳.

I did keep seeing him and its only been a few weeks but going well I think, but I still feel myself wanting to sabotage it. I have picked fights with him and he doesn't entertain it... I tried playing some toxic mind game thing and he just seemed really open and genuine and didn't fall for it. I'm like where's the toxicity that I'm used to..

I'm trying to rein it in now, he's just a normal guy and whether or not it's actually got legs I want to give it the chance.

Good luck OP hope he will give another chance and rearrange

@MissMaple82

Since when has 2 months been "such a long time" ?? 😳

When you're 10 years old

@Bbub I totally get that. Hopefully you can see that he has good intentions, you don't continue to destroy things and enjoy it for what it is. It's difficult after being on your own for so long.
He's replied saying he totally gets the weekend thing himself and meeting in the week is a great idea. We're meeting somewhere we'll both be for work anyway, so no pressure.

I've been in a similar situation. I met someone who seemed nice and keen on me but I've had so much rejection I couldn't face another date.

It's all about timing! It sounds like you are not ready to date at the moment OP.