your opinion please

[northernmummy2]

Long- beware....

A long time ago,(30 years!!!) I had a 5 year relationship with a man almost 15 years older.
It ended due to very personal problems we had ( sex) and the relationship petered out gradually, when I met someone else-no hard feelings, as we had really tried everything to get it to work. We remained as friends and kept in touch after I got married a few years later. We'd see each other once a year and phone now and then- all above board- nothing illicit at all. When he got married - many years later- this all stopped, more or less. He snet a Xmas card with both their names, but nothing else. When I tackled him about it, he said that he felt I had gone too far in our friendship, by telling him how I was, at the time, unhappy with my partner. He didn't feel it was right that I was discussing things like that with him. I was very sad, as I saw him as a very close friend - but no more, honestly.

Since then, he has sent cards at Christmas most years, but this year it was signed only by him- no wife. At the same time, I was contacted by someone we knew (friends reunited!!) and had lengthy email chats about the past which brought it all back. I sent the ex a letter recently saying how I was very, very sad that he didn't seem to want to keep in touch, but I would like to know how he is etc etc.

If he doesn't reply- would you try again?
Ijust feel so sad that after so many years being in touch, he doesn't appear to want or need it anymore.

if he doesn't reply, leave it.

if he doesn't reply, leave it. he's already told you he doesn't feel comfortable about the friendship. don't become a bunny boiler!

I agree with mamaG - friendships have seasons - maybe this one has just run it's course.

If he doesn't reply, don't get in touch - as hard as it will be

how do you know he hasn't moved?

or is just not a letter writer?

I get the feeling you are keen to get in touch as you think he is single. I would tread very carefully so you don't get hurt.

It is hard to know when to stop keeping up contact - I feel for you. This man shares memories with you and is an important part of your past. I think all you can do for now is to be as contactable and traceable as possible. If you move address, or change email, keep everyone updated and join facebook, friendsreunited etc.

Are you 100% sure he got your letter? If you really feel you must contact him again soon, I'd change tack - phone him if possible, even to leave a message on his voicemail.

I don't think you should ever feel you can never contact him again. That is too final and hard for you to live with. Just take it from day to day. Leave it a while, see how you feel.

I sort of have been where you are with an old ex boyfriend. I send christmas cards but that's it for now. I have not had direct contact with him for a few years. He and his partner(if they are still together) seem to have disappeared, yet the last time we talked, all seemed fine. Now I am left hanging, worrying what has happened to him as we were in loose and friendly contact for so many years.

Thanks-

Tigermoth- you seem to know how I feel.

This man- who is now in his 60s- was part of my 20s and 30s. We only stopped the contact when he got married in his 50s.

I haven't seen him for over 10 years and don't need to- I am not carrying a torch for him at all, believe me. But I will always care for him, as we had several years together, and that caring doesn't stop.

I just want to know if he's okay. I think the letter will have got to him- he is traceable! He married someone who on the surface was very "out of character" for him, and if they have split it would not surprise me, but I would like to know, as a friend, that's all.

I suppose I want him to know that his lack of reply so far is hurtful- but maybe that's taking it too far.

Thing is, if he doesn't want contact with you, you have to accept it. The man has a right to decide he no longer wants to be in contact with you, after all. Don't stalk him or pester him. You've made a contact attempt, if you don't get a reply, then accept it and leave him alone.

madamez- would you carry on sending a Xmas card if he doesn't reply ot my letter?

I might send Xmas cards but certainly nothing more (xmas cards being no big deal to most people). But making repeated attempts to contact someone who is not responding is basically pain-int-the-arse behaviour, no-one likes it.

It's always possible he is away travelling and hasn't picked up your letter yet, or has been very busy. IME men are bad at letterwriting.

I'd just leave it for now, but keep sending christmas cards (you could write your email address on them) and hope that he contacts you.

Thanks- he doesn't email- a tad old fashioned!

I am sure he will have got the letter- he has recently retired so will be home-based, I expect. I made the letter very open- I wished him well and said that if he wanted to contact me that would be good, but if not, all the best etc etc.

I think it is just sad that we managed to keep in touch after our relationship ended, for a LONG time, then he has withdrawn- guess it is something I will just have to accept, but it does colour my opinion of him- I thought I meant more to him than I probably do!