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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Early stages of a relationship, what's normal?

18 replies

The4thThe5th · 13/02/2022 08:15

I matched with a guy on Tinder in mid-November. We had an instant connection and it became quite intense quite quickly, we both deleted Tinder, started calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend and said we loved each other all before Christmas. We make each other laugh a lot, get on well, he is very affectionate and kind and we have really good sex. He lives 45 mins away and I don't drive (and also have a 2 year old) so we can only see each other once a week or so, although we saw each other more than this in the lead up to Christmas as we both had some time off and my daughter was in childcare.

All good so far... but we are still together and since New Year I have noticed a change. He is not sending so many loving messages, and just doesn't seem as 'into me' as he was before. He also hasn't introduced me to his friends or family yet, although he says he has talked about me to them and he was happy for his niece to come and say hi to me on facetime in January. (To be fair, he hasn't met my friends either, but mine don't live nearby whereas he has a lot of friends in his village. He has also met my dad, but that's because I am living with him at the moment.. so maybe it's just circumstance.) When we are together we still have a great time and he is still affectionate and cuddly, cooks me dinner, snuggles on the sofa, go out on dates etc.

My question is, does this all sound normal at this stage, about 3 months in? I have an anxious attachment style and I am constantly worried that he is going off me. However, I think I might not have a sense of what's normal, as my 5 year marriage (which ended in May) started with DH and I agreeing to live together after about 48 hours and getting engaged after 7 months, whereas the relationship I had before that was controlling and abusive. So if anyone could help me decide if this is normal, I would be really grateful! Thanks :)

OP posts:

Redberries85 · 13/02/2022 08:25

It does sound like you have been rushing in both your relationships. Perhaps the first rushes of love have settled for him now and he is taking things a lot more calmly, which in the long run is much more healthy. To tell each other you love each other so soon was quite intense and you still have a lot to learn about each other. I would take it slow and try and learn how it feels to settle into a calm relationship that doesn’t need high levels of passionate love for it to feel good. It is a little bit of a red flag that you’ve chosen someone again and rushed ahead with it so perhaps that’s something you need to look into and really think whether he is the right person for you or are you just living off those intense passionate feelings that you get at the start

Original poster

The4thThe5th · 13/02/2022 08:42

Thank you @Redberries85, that's a very helpful response. I do agree that I have a bit of a tendency to rush in.

OP posts:

wingscrow · 13/02/2022 08:59

Sounds a bit rushed.

Even after 3 months you still don't really know the person. People on dating site can be quite misleading too.

Just enjoy it and try not to over-analyse everything and jump into another long-term relationship too soon and too fast.

Original poster

The4thThe5th · 13/02/2022 09:49

@wingscrow thank you, I am trying not to over analyse but I find it so hard!!

OP posts:

Original poster

The4thThe5th · 13/02/2022 10:50

Any more advice gratefully appreciated

OP posts:

Original poster

The4thThe5th · 13/02/2022 15:40

Bumping for more opinions please

OP posts:

Stichintime · 13/02/2022 15:44

As everything has happened quickly the natural easing off and entering a less intense phase is likely to happen quicker as well.

Original poster

The4thThe5th · 13/02/2022 16:06

That's an interesting point @Stichintime, so you don't think it's anything to worry about?

OP posts:

Crystalvas · 13/02/2022 16:15

Just go with the flow and enjoy. Don’t have many expectations otherwise you could be disappointed.

FinallyHere · 13/02/2022 16:19

Have a look at love bombing and see whether anything about it chimes with you

All the best

Stichintime · 13/02/2022 16:36

It may burn out as quick as it started, or continue at a slower pace. Depends how you both feel once some of those really intense feelings subside a little.

Redberries85 · 14/02/2022 13:33

I would definitely pull back to protect yourself. Match your effort with as much effort as he gives you. I’ve watched a lot of Matthew Hussey videos on YouTube about this :D

Original poster

The4thThe5th · 14/02/2022 14:11

I have been trying to do that too, thanks. Haven't watched Matthew Hussey but will take a look.

Just to confuse matters, i am isolating at the moment due to covid and he just drove all the way to my house to leave flowers and a Valentines card on the doorstep, then rang the doorbell and we talked on the doorstep for a few minutes. So that was lovely, just the kind of thing I like - thoughtful but not over the top (it was just a modest bunch of tulips).

OP posts:

Inthesameboatatmo · 14/02/2022 14:14

When things happen fast they fizzle out just as quickly in my experience. Don't over analyse everything just let things happen naturally. If you have concerns then talk to him, he supposedly loves you so he should be open to communicating whenever you need too.
When things move so quickly the constant communication style and affection is unstatainable so will slow down eventually.

IrishKatie1971 · 14/02/2022 16:03

Sounds like a lot already for only 3 months. I personally wouldn't be introducing him to anyone yet and would not expect that from him either. 6 to 12 months would be my timeline.

Hdhr8jsj · 14/02/2022 16:30

This sounds such fast paced. 3 months = 15 times you have met him ? What's the rush ? I personally couldn't 'love' anyone I'd only known a few weeks.

You need to work on your attachment issues.

AlwaysColdTea · 14/02/2022 17:45

It is very rushed. You've only just met him!

For context, I've been seeing someone for 3 months this also. We've met each other's (older teen and adult) children and I've met his mum (no other parents). We've been friends for 5 years and already know many of each others friends.

It's just something that, for the first and only time ever, feels like it's fallen and fitted into place easily.

But there's no anxiety around any of it. No uncertainty. No one is waiting for it to all go wrong. He said the other day that he just feels a sense of deep contentment. And I feel the same.

His actions match up to every single one of his words.

And yet, it still feels very rushed to me. When I did online dating, I wouldn't refer to anyone even as my boyfriend until we'd been seeing each other for 6 months minimum

sammylady37 · 14/02/2022 18:42

my 5 year marriage (which ended in May) started with DH and I agreeing to live together after about 48 hours and getting engaged after 7 months

Did you not learn anything from that?

You’re telling this new guy you love him after a matter of weeks and believing him when he tells you he loves you?

Seriously, what’s the rush?

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