Am I being shallow?

[Putpabalh]

My boyfriends been out of work 7 months. He used to earn a grand a week and when we first met he was working full time. When we first started talking 17 months ago he sent me a bottle of perfume and a couple of other little gifts. Then he stopped working in July. He has a really extreme back problem. He had it operated on as he was struggling to walk. Sadly its left him in alot of pain and this last 6 months it's got worse and worse. It seems now something has come loose. His scans in March but he's really struggling to do anything now. He's been living of £650 a month and his rent is £550. His landlords are in the process of taking him to court for arrears.

For 6 months now I've paid for food. We've not been anywhere apart from walks. I've lent him money each month and he gives me it back on uc day. He can't have sex with me anymore. I think he's physically touched me 3 times in a few months. No full sex has taken place for 4 months.

I got absolutely nothing for Christmas and to make it less obvious I got him a few little treats for Christmas and gave them the week before. People asked what he got me and I said we are both skint so we agreed to leave gifts this year.

Valentines day is coming tomorrow. A week ago I mentioned that I had seen a few things I'd like to get him but said I knew we couldn't do it this year. He said he feels terrible as he can't do the same for me. So I said we can just cook something together.

I've woken up this morning thinking about how I hope by some miracle he gets me a card at least. Just something to say thank you for the thousands I've lent him since July. He's returned as much as he can but I've let alot go. It's not that I want spoiling but it would mean the world to me If he spent £1 on me to thank me. He was very generous with his last relationship and I think I'm comparing the things she got from him. He bought her flowers often just because. He always spent money on charm bracelets and she was dined and spoilt alot.

I feel like my heart is going to absolutely sink tomorrow because its our first real valentines and once again we can't make the memories.

Am I being childish?

No, he’s using you.
Free yourself.

Leave

He's virtually crippled and you're moaning about bracelets and cards? And you have to ask if you're being shallow?

You’ve posted about hmm before and the advice was to leave.

That advice hasn’t changed.

If he's gone from earning a grand a week to £650 a month and his rent alone exclusive of any other bills is £550 a month what exactly do you think he has left to spoil you with?
On the one hand he's about to be thrown out of his rental but you want a romantic (expensive) valentines day...
I haven't seen any other posts about him but based just on the above I feel very sorry for him.

Relationships are about taking the good with the bad.
This whole post reeks of shallowness and resentment.
I am assuming you don't live together? I hope he has somewhere to go if he gets evicted.

You keep pisting different scenarios about this man and the advice is always the same.

Why don't you link to your other threads which show how abusive this man is to you and why you keep being told to walk away.

You are depriving your children of money by giving it to your abusive boyfriend.
Put you and your kids first.

@SortingItOut

You keep pisting different scenarios about this man and the advice is always the same.

Why don't you link to your other threads which show how abusive this man is to you and why you keep being told to walk away.

You are depriving your children of money by giving it to your abusive boyfriend.
Put you and your kids first.

This.

You've clearly never had debilitating back pain OP. It occupies every waking thought.

He was very generous with his last relationship and I think I'm comparing the things she got from him.

He was also earning a shitload more then, so could afford to be generous then.
You can't compare the two situations.

But, I've not read any of your other threads that pp have mentioned.

Is he abusive?

I haven't seen any previous threads and can't seem to find them on the app, but
The advice offered will depend a lot on the answer to this

I think if he is genuinely so Ill then yes YAB shallow.

As an aside - this is how our wonderful government treats people who dare get Ill and have to go on UC.

@KaptainKaveman

He's virtually crippled and you're moaning about bracelets and cards? And you have to ask if you're being shallow?

My response too. If it’s possible, you’re even less than shallow.

He's looking at being destitute and you're complaining that he can't have sex with you or buy you gifts? Yes. Yes, you're being shallow.

You say that you've lent him money and he's paid you back, then you state you've lent him thousands and you won't get it back.

I'm pretty sure this sounds familiar, I'm almost certain I've read similar posts but I can't remember the UN.

Set him free and at least some of his pain will be relieved

I believe this is one of the OP's previous threads..
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4469810-What-do-I-do-now?pg=1

Bloody hell ! I think you should read your post again, the man is virtually crippled gets much less money and you are moaning that you want him to buy you presents etc, it seems he can’t manage now financially, you’ve obv never had crippling back pain! The mans struggling to cope , you are more than shallow

He literally can't work, and you're out here moaning because he can't buy you nice perfume and a gift or 10? Jesus Christ.

She’s lent him thousands and only wants some small token of being appreciated. Life is too short. Back pain never really goes. Leave him and enjoy your life. You’re not married so you have no obligation to stay

He has been abusive to you. Certainly emotionally if not physically.

I really do think you need counselling to get an idea of why you are so desperate to fix this man.

Iirc he’s an ex addict. And addicts - unless they are prepared to do massive amounts of work on themselves - this is how they behave.

You can’t fix this.

You didn’t cause this.

You can’t cure it

You can’t control it.

It’s your first Valentine’s Day you say. He is in a difficult position but I think your relationship is too new to owe him anything and I don’t think you should be giving him money. You’re not happy. It’s time to call it a day.

Your judging your relationship in the basis that he’s no longer able to buy you the stuff he bought you at the stat of your relationship whilst comparing what he bought his ex and that he is no longer intimate with you. Nowhere do you mention feelings (and no sex does not count) If there are no real feelings involved, and you are so unhappy with your current situation, then it’s best that you break things off.

Shallow Hal