'friend' with benefits? Can't see the wood for the trees

[Moooning]

I probably know the answer but I could do with a wise ear or two. I've had a fwb over the last year or so...we're part of a wider group of friends and used to hook up 7/8 years ago. I moved away from the city we all got to know each other in to further my education and take advantage of work opportunities...the pandemic made my situation very lonely and isolated and I think that's why we reconnected for sex maybe.

He's a funny fish. Very cold and unemotional. Thanks to this amazing website and after a horrible experience I had with a nasty abusive guy when I was abroad I finally bought 'why does he do that?' by Lundy Bancroft. I think I've realised this guy isn't a friend and these aren't benefits. He puts me down all the time 'in jest'. I've accomplished so much over the last 5 to 10 years... He knows verh well how unwell and unhappy I used to be, but literally physically leaves the room or won't look at me or listen when something relevant to my achievements come up

I was addicted to the sex, but now it feels like another form of self harm. We haven't spoken since the last time we hooked up a couple of weeks ago. I'm obsessed with telling him I'm done once I hear from him again. But what if I don't? Why can't I just hope I never hear from him again? Tbh I'm no longer even sure about the whole group of folk I know him through... We got to know each other living in big messy drunken flatshares in our 20s (although he was always 7+ years older than the rest of us) and it feels like I don't like myself around them all that much anymore. I can't see the friendships underneath the nonsense if that makes sense. And this guy... I always feel rotten after we hook up even though the sex is great. Or is it?

Gah I don't even know what I'm saying or asking. But it's telling I don't talk to anyone about this in my 'real' life. I have other fantastic friends who I'm afraid would feel sorry for me or something. Please help me see sense!

It sounds like you've realised that this is no longer working for you and that his behaviour towards you doesn't correspond with what a real friendship would be. A friend wouldn't put you down or refuse to listen when you want to share.
It sounds like you've enjoyed the sex in the past, and perhaps the company, even though he doesn't sound like good company at all. It sounds like loneliness might be a factor here, but that shouldn't mean that you put up with something that makes you feel bad.
Ask yourself if this relationship is helping with your personal growth or hindering it? Is his presence genuinely improving your life or making it worse?

He isn't a friend. He just wants sex with no emotional commitment. If you just want sex, then it might work, but it looks like you want more than that. So even if it worked in the past (and it's unclear that it did), it's not working now and it won't get better. You're scared to let go because you feel it's all you've got, but you can't move on and find anyone else while you're sort of half in, half out of this relationship.

Thank you @Lightstoobright. It's definitely hindering my growth and I don't feel good. I've realised he's not a very nice man. I used to want more, but he always had a story about past heartbreak that meant he couldn't trust someone again for a long time blah blah. Now I realise she probably had a lucky escape. Even writing all this down is helping, it stops it going round and round in my head. He did a really good job of making me feel not good enough

He sounds like he has spent his time with people significantly younger than himself so he can feel better than others. Now he can’t he is being a bit of a dick, while you are stuck in the old dynamic. It’s ok to not continue the arrangement, just don’t bother answering his requests.