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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I overreacting, or should DH not speak to me like this?

19 replies

Jacaranda75 · 13/02/2022 03:08

We are under an enormous amount of stress and have been for years. DH is the kind of person who everyone thinks is nice and easy going, but behind closed doors it's a different story.

I feel that he's either ignoring me, talking over me, being sarcastic or shouting and swearing. I literally never get a normal response from him.

So this morning I asked him who was packing the dishwasher, me or him? He tends to unpack it and pack it again if I do it because apparently I don't do it properly, so I thought I'd ask. He said he would do it. Anyway I completely forgot (4 hours sleep so really tired) and I accidentally asked him again. Not nagging, just asking, as I don't mind doing it if he doesn't want to. He shouted at me "I SAID I'll do it." But he was so rude and aggressive when he said it.

A short while later, he started talking about trying to get a new job. He said he couldn't remember the name of the agency a certain person worked at. There was then a few seconds' pause, so I said, "perhaps we could try Linkedin?" He went mental. He shouted at me "I was trying to talk!!!" like I'd interrupted him. When I said I thought he'd finished, he said, "I literally just paused for breath." I only suggested we could try Linkedin. That's all I said.

I just don't know what to do. It's nearly always like this. He admits he doesn't speak to anyone else like this, only me. So he is aware of it. I tell him I feel like a punchbag, which I do. I am so, so unhappy. But I don't know if this is normal and I'm overreacting.

OP posts:
TooTiredToSleepRightNow · 13/02/2022 03:21

No he shouldn’t talk to you like that. If he’s only targeting you then it’s domestic abuse. Emotional abuse. Not okay and he needs to sort it out. Speak to women’s aid for clarity or try marital counselling. Either way it’s not okay. Definitely a red flag if he blames you for causing his outbursts. I have been quite rude to my Dh and I feel awful afterwards and I realise it’s due to past issues I had with him (where he was letting his family treat me like dirt) that we didn’t sort out so I started getting angry with him and the habit stuck even though they’re not causing me any problems. But still doesn’t make it okay that I speak to him like that and it’s not even that rude and certainly not aggressive so I’d definitely say it’s not okay especially if you find yourself walking on eggshells around him Flowers

DramaAlpaca · 13/02/2022 03:26

No, that's not normal in a healthy relationship. You're not overreacting Flowers

Goneblank38 · 13/02/2022 03:27

This isn't normal and it is abusive. You shouldn't have to live in fear of your husband's outbursts. Your home should be a place where you feel safe and can relax, not on edge waitong to be screamed at. He knows what he's doing too. If he can cope with stress in other aspects of his life, he could bloody well do it at home too He's doesn't want to,, which tells you something about how he thinks of you I'd chat to women's aid to see what support you can get. I would contemplate leaving though. Maybe he'll change, probably be he won't and your life is too short and valuable to waste on him.

Badbaddog · 13/02/2022 03:32

What is ‘normal’? Does it matter? His behaviour upsets you greatly, that’s all that matters. And that upset is authentic for you, so how can it be overreacting?

Stress is making him act in an abusive manner towards you. He needs to stop that behaviour even if the stress is not stopping. It can’t be used as an excuse. Does he honestly think it’s ok to use you as an emotional punchbag??

AmIbeingTreasonable · 13/02/2022 04:07

He's admitted he only does it to you so it's deliberate.
He controls himself around others but doesn't think enough of you to do so, I would make plans to leave, it's unlikely to get better.

Billybagpuss · 13/02/2022 04:21

This is not a healthy environment for you to be in.

Do you have dc?

Many times on mn people say that mn are too quick to suggest LTB but I always get the feeling that be the time people post they’ve pretty much reached that decision anyway.

You are not happy, he knows he is only doing this to you, unless you do something to break the cycle things won’t change. The only thing that will break it is a break from each other. Either temporary or permanent.

Jacaranda75 · 13/02/2022 04:22

We have 2 DC, one a teen and one primary aged.

OP posts:
oneproudmumma · 13/02/2022 04:24

I feel that he's either ignoring me, talking over me, being sarcastic or shouting and swearing. I literally never get a normal response from him

Read that again and ask yourself if that sounds like a normal, healthy relationship. More importantly, is this how you want to live forever?

I was in a similar position to you years ago and it was only when I started confiding in people and keeping a diary that I realised how toxic my ex was. That was when I started to make plans to leave as the thought of having to live like that for the rest of my life made me feel physically sick.

Jacaranda75 · 13/02/2022 04:42

I’ve literally got nowhere to go. I am in his country, I have no friends or family here. His family are local but don’t like me so he sees them on his own. I’ve got no one Sad.

OP posts:
Monty27 · 13/02/2022 04:45

You don't have to go anywhere. Just tell him to go elsewhere.

icklekid · 13/02/2022 04:46

When you said you feel like an emotional punchbag how did he react? Would he consider getting help? If you were to walk away from him when he spoke to you in this way is there a risk the abuse would turn physical or how do you think he would react? Has he ever apologised when calm so you can discuss how to make a change long term and let him know this isn’t acceptable?

Jacaranda75 · 13/02/2022 04:47

@icklekid he does apologise, but nothing changes.

OP posts:
icklekid · 13/02/2022 04:49

I know it’s hard when you feel isolated but could you return to your home country or start making a plan to? If he’s not going to change are you prepared to continue in this life or give yourself a chance to be happy without the emotional abuse? It will only lower your self esteem more the longer you stay…

Jacaranda75 · 13/02/2022 04:51

@icklekid I wish I could go home, but I couldn’t take the DC as they are citizens of his country.

OP posts:
icklekid · 13/02/2022 05:05

When they are both teenagers could they choose to return with you? I’d be really worried about how they grow up and think a ‘normal’ way to communicate is especially if either is ds. Do you feel trapped?

Jacaranda75 · 13/02/2022 10:24

Thank you everyone for your posts, I really appreciate you taking the time.

OP posts:
CrinklyCraggy · 13/02/2022 10:27

I think we a have moments when we behave badly towards our nearest and dearest in ways we wouldn't with others, but it definitely shouldn't be a way of life.

Goneblank38 · 13/02/2022 12:08

Hi OP, you sound like you're in a difficult position. Before deciding you're helpless though, I'd really encourage you to reach out to people like women's aid for advice. You may not be able to return to your home country until your children are older but you don't need to stay in an unhappy marriage. Find out what your options and rights are and go from there. Good luck OP. I've lived abroad too and know it can be isolating, but please reach out and find out where you stand before deciding you have to stay.

Chestofdraws · 13/02/2022 12:11

No, he shouldn’t do this, but op, he does it because he can.

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