I dislike everyone- what's going on with me? What should I do about it?

[Eymama]

Going through a separation from DH currently which is quite amicable considering. But I can't stand to speak to his parents who I feel have played a major part in our separation. Largely because of the way DH has been raised by them and FILs want for control of everything. I have no tolerance for their company at all when I've needed to see them to collect DC because quite honestly, I blame them.

SIL has been having a weird, secret friendship with my brother's ex wife, who quite frankly is horrible. But keeps messaging me to say that she still cosiders me her SIL despite separation from her brother. That she still loves me as a SIL and wants us to be friends. She's even invited me over for dinner- she doesn't know that I know she's struck up a random friendship with my brothers crazy ex wife who caused all sorts of trouble between my family only a year ago. SIL knows about all the troubles so I don't understand why she's sneaking around and still trying to seek a friendship with me also. I don't trust her motives.

One of my so-called friends who I've helped through struggles over the years seems to be taking full advantage of my vulnerability at the moment. Keeps cutting me off when I'm talking to her and acting as if I'm boring her, then bringing it back to herself. Will monologue at me for half an hour and then when I begin to respond will say "sorry, got to go."

My Dad calls me every night to moan about my brother's ex wife and her latest stunts. Never asks about me and if he does and I talk of my separation, simply says "well he's not a bad bloke is exDH, you could have done worse." Helpful 😒

To top it all, my pre-teen daughter is having an awful time at school and I'm getting frustrated about the lack of help from teachers. Three girls are being awful towards her. The mums of these girls aren't particularly helping the situation either and appear to be completely apathetic. I'm also getting huge amounts of mum guilt- is it my fault for leaving her Dad? Has it knocked her confidence and causing this?

I feel done with people. I just want to cry and hide from it all and everyone. I am becoming depressed and feel I'm running out of people I can trust. I have even wondered whether to take myself off alone on a short break to try and reset but don't want to abandon my daughter who needs my support.

Any help or advice would be kindly appreciated 🙏

Bumping up

Nothing useful to say, except that I would say that you don't dislike everyone - the people around you, with the exception of your DD, are arseholes and you are rightly annoyed by them.

The only advice I can give you is to ignore your dad, your 'friend' and your ILs and concentrate your emotional energy on DD. Give them all some of the 'Sorry, got to go' treatment!

If you are feeling depressed then you should go to the GP, for starters.

You sound very strung out and understandably fed up with the people in your life who are behaving idiotically and/or selfishly. You’re also angry, which is an emotion that crops up during any divorce really because no one likes to lose hopes and dreams.

So, what to do? Focus on being kind to yourself and your daughter: treats, fun, rest. Try to find someone at the school who can actually help; a head of department, head teacher maybe? And really cut back on communicating with all the people you listed. Good luck 💐

I imagine that now you have ditched one arsehole your tolerance for arseholes is pretty low.
It’s not you, it’s them

I do often wonder, if like Love Breeds Love, Arseholes Breed Arseholes.

I thought maybe it was my own pessimistic thinking though. I just have no tolerance at present.

You dislike some of the people around you quite rightly by the sound of it.

You do not have to be close to ex PIL or ex SIL or your self-centred friend.

I would make it part of your positive post-divorce life plan to get some nicer people around you.

Hi op, i hope you don't mind me asking but how old are you? I found when I became peri menopausal i because very intolerant of people not behaving nicely. I have zero patience for lies, drama and bullshit. Could this be happening to you?

Perhaps. I'm late thirties. Still have regular periods but it could be possible that I'm perimenopausal @wanttomarryamillionaire

We are all meant to be egalitarian, but the fact is there are lots of "basic" bitches and sods out there, and you are probably just different from them OP (maybe your daughter too).

You are probably correctly "surmising" the people around you as they are. Its a hard wake up call to see the world isn't as fluffy as one hoped and dreamed.

However, I think the thing is to live your life without trying to impress or even spend any energy trying to relate to these kind of people. They won't understand (and IME even hate you for it). You can be polite, but I think best leave them all to it.

There are good or interesting people in the world, not so easily found, but still they are there. And so are you.

PS I dont' think its necessarily this menopausal thing - though of course hormones make us chase after (all kinds of) men in particular. I think of it as more growing up in seeing oneself, the world and people as they are, through experience.

@wanttomarryamillionaire

Hi op, i hope you don't mind me asking but how old are you? I found when I became peri menopausal i because very intolerant of people not behaving nicely. I have zero patience for lies, drama and bullshit. Could this be happening to you?

I'm similar to OP but in my case, a lot of the liars and drama queens are of menopausal age so unless they are on particularly effective HRT ..

PS. I found low dose Setraline helpful, if you think you might be depressed. No major change, just a subtle shift. I also think a break would be good for you. Doesn't have to be long, and I am sure your DD will cope for a few days. Or even take her away with you.

When you are going through a divorce you have enough on your plate, even if things are amicable, your life has been turned around or is about to be and you need space to adjust and build the new “status quo”.

This is not the time to deal with your DB’s relationship. It is ok to tell your dad that, hearing about that is adding to the worries you have at this time. If he insists… you change the topic or find a good —lie— excuse to end the call as soon as he starts.

This is also the time when you need to trust the people around you 100%, that however doesn’t mean you need to trust everyone you don’t. While SIL is so close to someone who gutted your brother badly, and who you cannot trust at all, it is ok not to trust your SIL and keep your distance. I found that the easier at way to keep your distance is to have a laugh, to joke but never ever talk about your ex, your situation, or the plans you have for the future. If you don’t want anything going back to your exSIL or your ex, just don’t talk about it AT ALL.

Gutted??? Fgs, hurt!

I’d try to take a break from the lot of them as far as possible. Arrange to collect DC from in laws in some way that they can be handed over without more than a thanks and goodbye. Or better still get someone else to help.

Block SIL. Tall your Dad you are really busy/ doing a course and won’t be able to chat this week/ month/ year. Stop seeing Annoying Friend.

Then zone in on yourself and DD. Practice self care. Try to have some nice times together. Try to treat yourselves in small ways.

In time you can choose how much contact you have with some of these people. You can also control how much you let them annoy you to some extent.

I think when we are stressed or traumatised we do have very little tolerance for other peoples crap. It may be a good thing, too if you address it.

There you are: permission to put yourself first and tell the lot of them to fuck off.

Thank you everyone for being so nice to me. I imagined a flaming for being judgemental and intolerant.

I'm taking much of what you have said on board. Perhaps a break is just what I need... I could possibly take DD too if I can arrange childcare for her brother.

No advice but I feel the same and I don’t have even half of what you have going on.

Am the same but in peri menopause and prefer the company of my dog as more loyal. My dad not long passed away and you realize who your friends are when you need someone to have a cuppa with but they haven't the time. Just put all your energy into your own family, as in your children and you and let the rest feck off as people are so selfish and never there if you need them. Go talk to your doctor and also if you get low ring samaritans or other helplines etc. There is support out there and just take time for yourself and the children. Look after yourself and go with your gut feeling about others and take some time out away from the toxic people. Wishing you all the best and horrible when people say oh he was nice but most well if anything like my ex are narcissistic and put on a display to everyone else of how nice they are but was emotionally abused and put down for so long and 2 family members did not understand and felt like they blamed me. big hugs and keep coming on here as some are so lovely and give great advice xx

Maybe tell everyone you are getting a new phone and you might miss some messages for a few days…… then just ignore them for a bit.

Or even better get a new phone and number and leave all the annoying people on the old one phone and number. Look it at once a week.

Delete WhatsApp- say you’ve been hacked. Again have a calm couple of weeks.

You have loads on, focus on yourself and your dd. Everyone else can suck it up for a bit.