Am I being gaslighted by my husband?

[Subzy]

Long one…
I’ve been married 24 years with two kids - 19 and 17.
The marriage was arranged but we were happy. Two weeks ago, after sleeping on an argument, I woke up to another argument. This time, my husband is screaming at me, telling my I’ve been emotionally abusing him for 20 years and destroyed him. He was going to jump off the balcony and he wanted me to live with the consequences. I had to physically keep pulling him away and begging him not to do jump. Eventually, after calming down a tad he said he was going to divorce me and I wouldn’t get a penny.
Some context around this now:
My husband is as straight and calm as they come. He has never hurt me or abused me in any way. He is a hard worker. We both worked hard and built our little world and raised two amazing boys. We had holidays abroad, have them what we never had and built our house.

Our relationship was strained at times and we argued but generally things would normalise. I gave up a city job and was a stay at home mum. I dedicated my whole time to the kids while he went to work and travelled quite a lot.
I ran the home, scheduled the social diaries, clubs etc for us and the kids.
Now he tells me:

• I’ve been controlling him for 20 years
• I’ve been emotionally abusing him by giving him silent treatment and having tantrums to get my way
• I separated the kids from him (kids don’t have as close a relationship with him as they do with me)
• I’m basically a terrible person

I think I was a tiger mum - I just was. My kids became my world, our relationship drifted apart. Haven’t had sex in last few years maybe a couple of times. I became very lonely at home and the relationship was empty. We went to therapy after his affair 10 years ago but he was very sorry and said he felt ignored so it was just sex. With his ex. For two years. I think I forgave him for the sake of the kids. Anyway, life rambled on. I took more and more control of the house and decision making. He fell into the background. Now he has had lots of therapy as he became suicidal because of of work.. he even did a spiritual course and feels healed. He tells me last week it wasn’t work but me that caused him to be suicidal. I was aghast. He tells me I must tell the boys that I have been emotionally abusing him and apologise for what I have done to him. My youngest suffers from self harm. This was a tough thing for me to do. So I agreed. I sat at the diner table and said to the kids- I’ve emotionally abused your father. I’ve caused rift in the family and tension too. This is probably true at some level. The kids didn’t say a word. I said I got angry if things didn’t happen my way and I apologised. The kids seemed to agree that I got cross quickly.

I feel dead inside. I thought I was an ok person, get angry as normal people. Never abusive. Shouty maybe. But not as the kids hit puberty.
I don’t love my husband anymore. He has calmed down and told me to work on myself and he doesn’t want a divorce. I cannot come back from this. I knew the relationship was dead a long time ago but this has all brought it to a head.
Was it all my fault? I do not recognise this version that my husband said I am.
Can you relate to any of this?
I am meditating and reading spiritual and self help books but ultimately I don’t know what to do. He’s decided he’s not putting up with my abusive behaviour.
I have many friends and I’m a school teacher- no one has ever said this to me. It’s a big shock. I’m so sad.

It sounds horrible
On any level his behaviour sounds awful - to make you tell you’re children you’re the cause of the rift in the family etc. You need to work on yourself
I think you’d certainly be better off apart from him - threatening suicide and blaming you for his behaviours
He had the affair - not you
You’re a teacher so in work? You have money?
Your kids are grown so I would initiate a separation this week and move forward alone
You cannot live like this

Yes I think he is gaslighting you. I bet he hasn’t left the mistress & is now looking for ways to leave you or introduce her to the family / kids and blame you. Don’t ever take the blame again for him - he won’t kill himself. He’s just playing you. Take stock of the finances, get the best legal advice you can afford, take the kids and run.

I know a man who threatened suicide during a row and his wife said go Kill yourself. And you know what he did? He beat her until the kids called the police & later they discovered he had a whole hidden family. This was a normal Punjabi family - no rows. Instagram perfect. I knew both of them since uni and could never have imagined this. Please leave now for your safety.

He's very self indulgent isn't he? An affair, blaming you for how he feels, blaming you for his lacking relationship with his boys?
I'm horrified that he wanted you to sit the boys down and say all of that to them - that's abusive in itself - even if you were emotionally abusive ( doesn't sound like it to
Me ) - I guess his aim was to victimise himself, justify his poor father- son relationship and ostracise you with no thought as to the damage that would cause your poor boys.
Turn team you - get ducks in a row to leave his sorry, manipulative and damaging arse

The affair happened 10 years ago and we had therapy after it. We agreed to stay together for the kids sake. He said he had an affair because I ignored him- it was probably both of us doing it. I’m a head strong woman but traditional. I wanted to keep the family together but I guess his infidelity gave me the upper hand and maybe I became a darker version of myself. I don’t even know.
He is a good person, he sounds awful as I’ve only described this one scene where he threatened me. I feel I must take some responsibility to make someone feel like that. But at the same time, I only make him feel like that.
I’m not working anymore. We only have the house between us and cannot afford to move out. I’m stuck really. Plus I don’t want to cause my younger one any more stress. I know the kids have picked up on this over the years. I feel like a selfish monster out of control and regret so much.

Theskyisblue
Yes I think the same thing that he is feeling bad about all the time he hasn’t spent with the kids and they are so close to me. He has provided very thing for us. We want for nothing. He has worked really hard over the years providing me with everything I ever asked for. I feel so ungrateful.

I dont think you should have told the kids that you were emotionally abusive. Why did you agree to putting yourself in a bad light? It sounds like you never moved on from his affair and decided toconcentrate on your kids. Please don’t beat yourself up - you must have done something right - your kids love you x

Thank you. Even words like yours SunflowerTed, mean so much. Why did I say if? Because I believed it. He sent me article after article on emotional abuse and I resonated with many of the doings- like taking charge, using anger to manipulate him, I just don’t recognise that I was this awful person. However, did he enable this? What was his part? How did it get that bad?

In a decent relationship both people reflect on their contribution to a difficult time. But your dh doesn't - the affair was your fault because you ignored him apparently- see that right there? Huge red flag that he CHOOSE to break your vows, your trust, and blame you and bullshit you that it was just sex.
I would remove yourself from the role of abuser - the red flags are all from him. He's treated and is treating you like a piece of crap.

Yes, you are. He's had 20 years to give you feedback or end the relationship. He chose now. He has ulterior motives, I reckon.