I've been married to my husband for 5 yrs, together for 10. We have kids. It's the second marriage for both of us so maybe we are both just rubbish at this stuff??? He has always been a little controlling but by the time I realised this, i was able to excuse it for various reasons. He has older kids, now adults, so it was always me that would bend to fit in with them. I never minded it but I look back now and think I was making myself smaller and smaller so as not to rock anyone's boat or cause any upset. Here i am ten years down the line, and married with little kids and I becoming increasingly embarrassed by my situation and heartbroken by his actions.
I dont have direct access to our family's funds - I can buy things on his accounts or borrow his card but if I need actual funds in my account then I have to ask and if agreed then that amount is transferred to my account the will not transfer a monthly budget (I've had to have 2 hrs off work due to childcare costs). Back to work soon. When he works away from home (often) i need to be able to reach him on the phone if I need money. I should add here that he's not hugely mean with money but there are lots of comments about me not "contributing to the family".
He constantly talks about moving, then we're staying, then he wants to move again. I feel constantly on edge.
Our home is in awful disrepair. We have funds to improve it but he won't let me. It's a constant source of sadness to me. I love to have a welcoming home (doesn't need to be posh) and feel so sad that my children are growing up thinking broken toilets/door handles/ holes in the doors are normal.
on the rare occasion I go out with friends he always asks, "you're not having an affair are you?" ( This did happen to him in his previous relationship). I'm currently nervous that he's going to notice that I've shaved my legs and whether that is going to start him off. I often cancel going out with friends because it makes the atmosphere difficult at home if I do go out.
He often withdraws all affection from me if he is cross with me. Even when he is pleasant to me now it is extremely rare that he would be affectionate.
He highlights all my many, many faults but struggled to name one positive thing about me.
I do 90% of everything for the kids (fine in that I've basically been a sahm since last child born). I also do 100% cooking, 100% housework. In fact, as i have no money, pretty much all i do is housework. Yet constantly makes remarks about This House (it looks untidy because it's so scruffy!). He constantly puts me down and tells me how selfish and controlling i am. Yet his actions are so selfish himself and I dont actually have any control over him!
I run around like a mad woman, get the kids to where they need to be, do everything for the home -even typical 'blue' jobs. Friends and family are starting to make comments to me about it and I think I just feel sad about it all now. I probably sound like a nightmare after going on and on here but there are so many other examples and situations. I have lots of friends, I'm outgoing and kind, I really don't feel like I deserve to be in a loveless relationship but I just can't seem to make him happy. I'm getting exhausted trying to dodge his moods and keep him happy so that he doesn't turn into an emotional iceberg.
If he had his own way, then I wouldn't see friends socially and would have much less contact with my family. I already see them less often as he doesn't get on with any of them but doesn't like to be left alone if I take the kids to visit for a few days.