Hi, I’m wondering how to handle a situation with a friend
It’s an old friend going back to middle school (that’s a fair few years ago btw - several decades)
Three of us are friends dating back to about 9 yo. They were both 2 of my best friends at middle school. 30s now.
Friend A and I have been close friends as adults and in our early 20s we were best friends. I moved away early 20s but we’ve still been close friends and she’s one of my closest friends from back home. At points when she’s had a lot of stuff on her plate I’ve offered for her to come and stay/live with me. Just might not see each other all the time but just solid long time friends. I’ve always made an effort to stay in touch and meet up when back at home.
Friend B not been as close with as adults, but still good / longtime friends. She moved away before me and could be a bit aloof / superior (for want of better descriptors). When back at home, she would sometimes arrange to meet with friend A’s mum but not friend A. Understandably Friend A would be put out by this, and over the years I sympathised with A and privately thought it was pretty off. Friend A and I over the years would naturally sometimes chat about friend B and discuss some of her funny ways, mostly lead by friend A rather than me – not unkindly but more motivated by a bit of exasperation / making sense of people style.
The last time I met up with friend B, a few years back, she spoke about Friend A and expressed disapproval about her, mentioning a second hand story about her being drunk at an event or something (and B generally being a bit judgey/ disapproving of A, who probably had a bit more adversity to battle and a bit more of a chaotic lifestyle, including some addiction issues). I listened at the time but would not have been drawn to comment and would not join in in judging A or gossiping. I also wouldn’t repeat to A either.
I can say 100% that I have never spoken a bad word about A to anyone or gossiped about her (to be fair I’m not into gossiping in general), disclosed something said in confidence or basically been anything but totally loyal to her as a friend.
I would say as adults I’ve probably been closer with both friend A and B than they were with each other, and definitely closer with A than B. And A closer with me than with B.
As we all live in different places and have done for some years, most interaction generally is on Facebook - commenting, liking stuff, etc. In person, I would always meet up with A if ever I was back home - probably at least once a year - and would usually stay over at hers for a few days. I’m not aware of A and B having hung out at all generally since we all lived back home.
So anyway.
A couple of years ago - maybe 3 now - friends A and B met up for a drink in our home town for the first time in many years and friend B posted a pic of them on Facebook. I commented under pic that they both looked great and asked when it was. Neither replied or liked. Bit odd, I thought.
Since then I’ve increasingly become aware that friend B does not really seem to comment on or like things I put on Facebook anymore. Sounds like a small thing but it’s enough that I’ve noticed it. She will v occasionally like something but interaction has v much dropped off. She also hasn’t wished me happy birthday since this meeting with A. If it was Just once or twice I wouldn’t read too much into it, but it’s been about 3 birthdays now, and a few years down the line, A+B meeting up seems more clearly to have been the point when something changed.
So, reading between the lines, it seems clear to me that Friend A said something to Friend B involving me somehow that has pissed her off / hurt her in some way and damaged our friendship. I kind of guessed this before, but have thought about it more during lockdown and the more i think about it, feel increasingly shocked, hurt and confused about this, and more certain that A must have knowingly said something that would be likely to cause a rift between B and I. I feel pretty hurt and confused about this. The chilly behaviour from B doesn’t feel very nice, but in a way I don’t feel bad towards B about this as it seems clear that she must have been upset by something that A has said. I have probably picked up on B‘s frostiness and gradually withdrawn myself a bit too as a result. I almost sent her a quick message at Xmas asking how she’s doing, but have a few other stresses at the moment, and in the end didn’t as I didn’t feel in the right frame of mind to initiate contact (and potentially receive a distanced or not overly friendly response).
Sounds daft I suppose but it’s eating me up a bit, and because we’re not in each other’s lives day to day there isn’t really so much of an opportunity to probe in conversation, or ask mutual friends if there might be something up or whatever. I feel like asking either of them directly could be a bit confrontational (again, as we’re all at a bit of a distance), and would not necessarily work in my favour if something had been said, and I’m also not even sure where I stand anymore, if A really is such a good friend after all, etc. Yet I feel so hurt and unable to pursue the friendship with A any further without some resolution to this issue.
On the other hand it also seems a shame to let these friendships go over what might have been an unguarded comment or something that was said inadvertently (and of course I have no idea exactly what has been said – I’m just putting two and two together, and I reckon, getting four).
The ideal outcome would be to resolve whatever it is with both of them.
What would you do?