Therapy - what do I need to find in a therapist

[linchinton]

I am starting to realise as I've entered my fourth decade that I might be emotionally unavailable.
Im looking tor a therapist because I'm increasingly unhappy and lonely and find utterly unable to open up and commit to a relationship.

What sort of therapist do you think I need? I assume my issues stem from my childhood where I was left to deal with any problems alone as both my parents were there - but unavailable for various reasons.

Hello Op. Just to say I'm a retired psychotherapist so you know where I'm coming from. Honestly the 'sort' of therapist is not usually as important as the rapport you can make with them. Most therapists offer a free first appointment (maybe only a half hour in some cases) so I'd advise you to try two or three and see if you feel you have a 'fit'.

There are various professional registers and of course loads of websites out there with people listed but I'd start with UKCP and BACP as they are really the two biggest and longest running registration and professional associations. UKCP is all therapists and BACP is both therapists and counsellors, although there are so many differences between individual practitioners that it's not necessarily significant whether someone is called or calls themselves a therapist or a counsellor. Therapists will tend to work at more depth and usually longer term but many are also open to short term work or even dipping your toes in work. Good luck. It's a really good decision to make and not easy.

www.psychotherapy.org.uk/
www.bacp.co.uk/

Honestly, I think it’s hard to find someone who’s both good and who you feel comfortable with / have a natural rapport with. My experience is that lots of therapists are unprofessional in various ways (be it timekeeping, appropriate boundaries, odd gaslighting shit (yes unfortunately this happens too often – it’s a very highly skilled job and not everyone can navigate it well), etc.). I had some good experiences with therapists via an organisation l worked with, so know there are some good therapists out there.

Most therapists will offer a phone chat or free initial meeting to find out how they work and get a feel for the rapport. I agree with the above comment that having a good rapport is probably the key thing, as even therapists working using a particular approach will often vary widely, and if you haven’t seen anyone before it’ll be difficult to know if you have an affinity with particular style or model. Although it might still be worth doing a bit of research on different approaches so you have an idea about what people are offering and what to expect.

I would also look out for green and red flags early on and listen to them. Therapy is a real investment of time, money, energy and trust, and so it’s worth searching carefully for someone who is both professional and reliable and right for you.

Good on you! I really really recommend core-processing therapy. There are usually centres in big cities. They work around you as a person and what you need. Keep us updated! Good luck OP

Thanks for the replies.
I've had therapy before (to try and save my marriage) and only years later after lots of self-examination have I realised how ineffective the therapist was, I don't have the time, money or energy to work with someone and not get the answered I need to move forward.

I also have ADHD which doesn't help!

I’ve just qualified as a therapeutic counsellor and can highly recommend Person-Centred Therapy. It’s basically a client-led form of counselling and like other posters have said relies heavily on the client counsellor rapport. As part of our course we have to complete mandatory counselling ourselves and I’ve found it completely blew the lid off who I thought I was and has healed wounds I never knew I had (and continues to do so - self work is for life).

Best of luck in your journey OP, the road can be paved with challenges but once you start to emerge out of the other side it’s all worth it.