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Original poster

Valentine's Day cards

10 replies

StarMixer · 12/02/2022 13:07

When in a crappy phase of a relationship and on the brink of divorce, what do you do about Valentine's Day cards? DH has sent one to me, put effort in and got a personalised one with photos but I cannot bring myself to get him one which will have the words printed in it that I just don't feel for him anymore. I realise that I've got much bigger problems than what to do about Valentine's Day, but I just need to get through each day at a time at the moment. Im going to be away from him on Valentine's Day for unrelated reasons but don't know if it will permanently kill the relationship if I don't bother with a card.

OP posts:
haismfh · 12/02/2022 13:18

Do you want to save the relationship or do you feel in your heart that from your side it's over?
I don't think you should send a Valentine's card if you don't want to. And if that means the relationship is over for good then that's the way it is sadly - because a relationship doesn't fail over one missing Valentine's card. It fails because of all the things that went before.

Sounds like your DH is making an effort though and maybe wants to try to save things.

What do you want to happen?

Original poster
StarMixer · 12/02/2022 15:40

What I would like to happen is to save the marriage and work through it, however as time goes on I see that he isn't going to change into the sort person I want him to be. He is who he is, he isn't going to change to be someone he isn't and the person he is, isn't the sort of person I actually like. As to why I married him in the first place, he hid his true self very well and he wasn't like this when we first got together.

He is the sort of person who will use a situation like not sending him a Valentine's Day card as an excuse to say to people that it was my fault the marriage ended rather than accept any responsibility.

OP posts:
RoyKentsChestHair · 12/02/2022 16:05

Can you get one that’s blank inside and write something meaningful in it rather than a standard valentine. If it’s any help I found a load of old ones I’d sent to XH saying things like “well we managed to scrap through another year, let’s hope the next one is a bit happier all round” or some such!! Not very romantic but I’m sure you could mark the occasion without it needing to be all flowers and teddy bears.

RoyKentsChestHair · 12/02/2022 16:05

*scrape

fenellastripe · 12/02/2022 16:25

If you're worried about him using the lack of card as an excuse then play him at his own game. Get him a card.

Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 12/02/2022 16:42

I cant get one this year for the same reason. Feels awful to get a card saying 'the one' or 'forever yours' when I'm planning to leave him. I cant lie. I'm hoping he will get the hint tbh... he has got me one, saying "happy valentines day you lucky thing" like I'm lucky for his affairs and abuse... just dont get him one. Let him sulk.

VioletVesper · 12/02/2022 17:32

@StarMixer

What I would like to happen is to save the marriage and work through it, however as time goes on I see that he isn't going to change into the sort person I want him to be. He is who he is, he isn't going to change to be someone he isn't and the person he is, isn't the sort of person I actually like. As to why I married him in the first place, he hid his true self very well and he wasn't like this when we first got together.

He is the sort of person who will use a situation like not sending him a Valentine's Day card as an excuse to say to people that it was my fault the marriage ended rather than accept any responsibility.

Can you get him a giant one? Sounds silly I know but you could then get away with a very generic message inside and he wouldn’t be able to use it against you or say you didn’t make an effort, because it’s …well huge ..
Grandville · 12/02/2022 20:12

Can you get him a gift like chocolates or nice wine and just write a tag saying "Happy Valentines Day"? Still putting in passable effort without saying anything you don't mean.

Original poster
StarMixer · 12/02/2022 21:01

Thanks for these suggestions, I went with the option of getting a very plain one with no sentimental message. I plan to get the kids to write (scribble, due to their ages) on it from all of us so that it doesn't look like I deliberately didn't get one and look spiteful.

Thanks to anyone facing a similar situation right now.

OP posts:
donesomethingterrible · 13/02/2022 00:26

I feel exactly the same OP. It's actually pretty heartbreaking isn't it, and I wish Valentine's Day would just piss off!!!

Last year was the first time in 20 years we didn't buy each other a card....I knew then we probably didn't have a future together as it was though we'd both given up. Fast forward a year and we were meant to separate after Christmas but he wanted to try again.
We haven't even mentioned bloody Valentine's Day and I'm glad I'll be working a late shift!!

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