Is it me and my CPTSD or him?

[CpstdAndMe]

I've recently been diagnosed with complex ptsd from childhood. It explains a lot and I'm actually happy that now I know why I react to things very dramatically sometimes and end up making poor relationship choices. I've got EDMR therapy starting next month. I'm not a complete mess, I hold down a great job, am a good parent and when I'm in a routine with structure I do really well. My CPTSD comes out when I get dysregulated. This can be a last minute change of plan where I cant envisage how it will work, crowded shops, and when I feel rejected. I have friends from childhood and have made new friends and various stages of my life that I've kept. I've never made suicide attempts or anything like that. I just get feeling flashbacks when in a relationship and i get shouted at. My mum shouted at me numerous times as a child and I would feint. Apparently that's my brains last defense when in flight mode, it plays dead, animals in the wild do this. So critism and shouting feels awful to me and I don't cope well and take it as rejection and go into survival mode.

So my partner and I have some issues. I don't like the way he talks to me. I had an impacted wisdom tooth out a few days ago. Yesterday when he rang me to see if I was OK and to drop more paracetamol to me (we don't live together, been together 18 months) I was off my head on codeine and feeling rotten about the pain I couldn't hear what he said and I said "what " to him twice. He then got annoyed with that and it felt to me that he mocked me as he mimicked the way I said what and hung up on me. He was trying to pull out in traffic but I didn't know that. He tried to ring me back twice but I ignored it. I felt pretty hurt and wrote it down in my journal. He then rang me again in the evening and asked if I was going to apologise for how I spoke to him! But I didn't speak horribly to him.

Another one that that I think is me is before my tooth extraction we agreed to get nice milkshakes after. Then after on our way there he moaned about it and said he had to get his laptop out and do his work. I, being very dramatic, cried, he then shouted at me for making him feel guilty and I got my milkshake. I make him feel guilty by crying or feeling hurt. He says that I should have just said - no you promised milkshakes and not got upset by it. Me being upset triggers his shouting and then I cry even more and get hysterical as I can't cope with being shouted at. Then I go to my bed and can't function as a mum or at work as I just feel numb and not there.

So this is where I get confused. I know I overreact. I know my over reactions make him feel guilty. I don't over react on purpose but when I feel not thought about, not considered ect I feel unloved and cry. I'm actually a normal adult human and don't take anyone else's lack of thought towards me so personally, just in romantic relationships. He's completely fed up of this but the more he shouts the more I cry and get feeling flashbacks.

I've tried to leave a few times but I always get pursued to stay or go back to him. I always get told that our relationship is worth fighting for, that we're both willing to put in the work ect and he loves me so much.

He's also had trauma in his childhood, he's got anxiety and anger management issues which he's having group work now and individual therapy starting soon. He told me after shouting at me about milkshake that he's not a monster and when I act like he is he feels so sad as his dad was a monster and he's not like him. I don't know how I can stop taking his lack of thought personally and not cry. Maybe the edmr therapy will help.

He does lots and lots of nice things for me. He says I throw these back in his face - so the milkshake example, I threw that he took the day off work and took me to my appointment (needed someone there as sedation) back in his face by getting upset about the milkshake.

Sorry its long. My head just feels so confused. I know my overreacting to rejection must be really hard to be with but I've never been shouted at like this by any other man in my life. They've been quite happy to spoil me in times like this when I've needed being looked after ect. I know I don't take criticism well, but I can take criticism when the tone feels loving behind it. I don't really see what I do to need to be told off by him tbh. I've told him quite a few times that he talks to me like he thinks he's my dad. I really don't like it but for some reason cannot let this relationship go.

I know a lot of you will say he's horrible, my friends and family hate him because of how mean he's been to me. I just feel like if I could crack this part where I react and he reacts to my reaction we'd be ok and be really happy.

This sounds like a difficult situation. It’s amazing how we gravitate towards people who are familiar to us in some way. You and him are both playing off old scripts from your traumatic upbringings - him from his angry father and you from your angry mother.

Whether you can both sort this out I doubt. I think you need time without being triggered to work on therapy as it’s immensely hard to tackle CPTSD during therapy as well as having it going off so regularly.

I’m afraid his reactions and anger are like he experienced from his dad and unless he also gets some help to work through that it’s not likely to change. Ok you overreacted by crying about a milkshake (or responded from a place of trauma) but he did too.

FWIW I also have CPTSD and also spent some months around someone where our issues clashed like this and we massively triggered each other. Sent me screaming back to therapy. Therapy was good and it enabled me to stop talking to this guy for a good long while and find a relationship with someone who never triggers me because he’s what I need - kind, calm, consistent, loving and stable. I still talk occasionally to the other guy as we became friends after a long break and our friendship is much improved because i’m more stable and we are not sexually or romantically close (it always seems to be those types of interactions that are the most triggering) but I know for a fact if I were to be involved past friendship with that man it would be constant triggering. Im better at managing them now and they are much milder - but you gotta ask yourself is it really worth it?

Ultimately my view is that without a lot of therapy for you both you are unlikely to be able to have a healthy relationship. And therapy can take a long time. If you’re triggering each other in the meantime it’s only going to harm you both.

I would say that while it’s possible to make yourself ok with someone eventually when they effect your mental health like this, it’s really kinder to yourself and the other person to stay away and both find people more suited to you that can give you the calm stability you need.

Not being able to let go of someone who makes you feel so bad is more than likely repetition syndrome where you are trying to fix your past by changing someone in your present. That’s a big fat red herring, honestly. Even if you get them to change it fixes nothing from the original wound and the attempt often harms you far more than it helps you.

I think you ought to end this really and focus on therapy. There are people out there who can offer a stable, loving and supportive relationship to you. He can’t at present and is unlikely to be able to in the future.

This man is a poor relationship choice because he is abusive towards you. You also have complex ptsd so you need time and space to heal as well as therapy. This man is also dragging you down with him. He likely targeted you deliberately because of your poor relationship boundaries from your dysfunctional abusive childhood.

Thankfully you do not live together so it will be easier for you to part ways now. If this is what it’s like after a mere 18 months too it’s clearly not working and this will never work. You cannot act as a rescuer and or a saviour in a relationship, neither approach works. This is not a problem that you can crack, this is what I mean about being a rescuer and or saviour.

he's got anxiety and anger management issues which he's having group work now and individual therapy starting soon

Walk away from him now, he's anger is so bad that he's in a group therapy setting, how did that come about?
I think you should focus on your own recovery from PTSD, take some time for yourself to heal and get stronger before dating again. Those nice things he does are so you will stay and take the shouting and arguements, your family and friends don't like how he treats you so they are seeing something in his behaviour too, it's not your PTSD reacting, others can see it too.

You are both carrying trauma from childhood which manifests itself in different ways.

You both trigger each other. It is probably better that you part so that you both have the space to work through the issues that the trauma has left you with.

Is his anger management therapy court-ordered, op?

I know we're triggering each other. It's horrible and I feel like I'm in my childhood again.

He's in group work as one of the conditions of getting back with him when we had a huge dramatic breakup was that he got MH support.

I can and do get myself better after a breakup and just when I'm forward planning and feeling happier again he comes back and I can't resist giving it one more try. But I've given so many one more tries.

I sat down and really thought about my future and planned it out with a money being no object and the way he shouts at me isn't what I want in my future. I don't want the drama but recognise I'm part of the drama and my overreacting fuels it. But, I do want him. I just can't work out whether that's my shit attachment or genuine love.

No not court ordered. He's never been violent to me although I have felt scared on occasions. He rang the local NHS MH line and they have put him on an anxiety course to start, he's almost finished that and will be doing the anger management one next and getting the one on one therapy.

Do you think it really is him you want though? Or the person he could be or you think he is away from the anger issues?

As in, what exactly does he bring to your life? The way he makes you feel, the things you do together etc?

I used to write lists of the qualities I wanted and how I wanted to feel with someone. If there was a big mismatch i’d really question whether it was them I truly wanted or if I wanted to appease something inside of me.

Maybe it doesn’t matter so much if it’s love or attachment issues if the characteristics of your relationship don’t match with what you really want?

Why do you want him? It’s likely far more to do with all the attachment issues you have as well as being codependent. Your mother in particular has done you an awful lot of harm from childhood. No-ones ever bothered to show you what a mutually respectful relationship is like either and this certainly is not it. This person you’re with is abusive towards you and he is turning into his own father here, a man whom he himself hates. You cannot rescue and or save him, trying to do so will only destroy you further.

Fundamentally, someone who is triggered by anger which makes them cry, and someone who gets angry at seeing someone cry, are probably not that compatible. It sounds like hard work and I'm not sure either of you will have enough emotional energy to work on your relationship and yourselves at the same time.

He doesn't match up to what I want. I want a relationship with a man who is very secure, calm, kind and loves me for who I am. I want a man who isn't selfish. I want to be in a relationship where it's mutual and anything he does for me doesn't get paraded about like I should be so grateful and my thank you doesn't suffice. When I had covid he dropped shopping to me twice. He holds this against me by giving me this example of him being a good person.

I want a man where if I did get upset about something minor could give me a hug and just laugh a bit and reassure me. I do understand that some of the things I've gotten upset about are really silly things and I need to be able to reassure myself and not seek reassurance from my partner all of the time.

I want a relationship where I'm not on eggshells and can say - oi what about that, or even not worry that they can't park at the dentist and have to drop me off and walk back to it. I'd like to not feel that I'm so annoying and putting them out for things like that. I'd like, ideally, to be with someone who looks after me and I look after them. I don't have this right now. I have a man arguing with me and sending me voice note after voice note because I've said I'm upset and feel let down. And I really do feel let down, but I don't know if what I'm feeling is reasonable.

Things he brings to my life - we have had lots of adventures and mini breaks, we like being active (but again he always rides off in front of me, we go walking and again he's always off in front leaving me behind, he didn't use to, he used to walk with me holding my hand) he cooks nice food for us and buys me little thoughtful treats, but mostly e everything good he bought to my life he's taken away and broken so many promises to me. I need consistency and although he is consistent with seeing me and speaking to me there isn't a lot else he is consistent with. I don't feel safe with him. I'd like a man who sees relationship issues as a problem to be solved together rather than a battle he has to win like his life depends on it.

Good things, when we are able to talk and he is open to being vulnerable and open to my vulnerability we really connect.

Hes physically affectionate, likes lots of cuddles and kisses.

He's funny and can be really nice. When I first met him I thought he was the kindest man I'd ever met but that changed!

He's thoughtful in that if I say I want to go somewhere or try something he will remember that and surprise me with it.

I think my issue is I cannot let go of every time he's let me down. I ruminate on them, when we talk and get back together I'm OK, but then as soon as he let's me down again all of the previous times he's let me down come flooding back and I over react. My brain goes ah ha, see this pattern of let downs. I then leave him, until the next time.

I know the advice is to leave, everyone's advice is to leave, but I can't stay away when he wants me back.

Someone who has experienced trauma and is still suffering the after effects and triggers should not be in a relationship with someone who has such poor impulse control they are in anger management. It's too risky a combination and sounds toxic all round.

I know the advice is to leave, everyone's advice is to leave, but I can't stay away when he wants me back.

But the only alternative if you say you 'can't' do this is for you to stay with someone forever who triggers your anxiety and have an unhealthy, unhappy relationship.

So you need to absolutely prioritise getting our headspace into a state where you can manage to end it.

Could you have some counselling sessions (solo obviously) specifically about this?

God I wish so much I could magic you one of these men because they do exist (I had my doubts tbh for a long time). What you describe sounds so so familiar and it’s that intermittent reinforcement that really cuts deep and keeps people hanging on.

Add in CPTSD to the mix and the triggers and it’s extremely hard to walk away. So don’t beat yourself up. I think it’s excellent you can identify what will truly nourish you, and keep that in mind as the goal.

What worked for me was every time I was tempted to go back to an unhealthy person, I looked at the list of things I wanted and knew each time I was taking another step away from it. It did require me to truly accept the men I was around were not going to change and let go of that crazy hope - that was the hardest bit.

In the end I kind of just burnt out from so many abusive, dramatic and confusing interactions and I realised my trauma wasn’t healing because I kept going to the situations that would trigger it.

Therapy was truly a godsend and I hope the therapy you are having now can do the same for you.

Maybe it would be helpful for you to think about why you can’t let go - like write it out (am a big believer in putting pen to paper). So I can’t leave because …..

Then look at the reason. If it’s because of something like I love him then you go deeper and say ok what exactly is this love sensation? Because love doesn’t feel this bad. If it’s something else - fear of missing out on the good times or something then you do a so what? What’s the worst that can happen?

When he hooks you back in try and figure out exactly what is happening for you that makes him so appealing.

It’s so hard, you really do have my sympathies. I think you are pretty far down the road to strength and healing already though. You seem self-aware, you’re just stuck in a negative cycle right now. I believe you can and will get out of it.

Oh, the other thing they helped me was every time I said no to the situation, instead of seeing it as a loss (particularly when the nice part of the cycle started), I saw it as making the space for the situations I truly wanted and needed. Really
helped to frame it that way for me.

"I know the advice is to leave, everyone's advice is to leave, but I can't stay away when he wants me back".

But why does he want you back?. He basically wants you back so he can abuse and or otherwise mistreat you some more. He likes the power and control here and he has far more of this than you do in this car crash of a relationship. The two of you should not be at all together.

I do not think that you've met many kind men in your life at all and have been let down by all the adults in your life.

What has he done for you here really?. He bringing you shopping is a very low bar here as is cooking you nice meals; these are really the barest of bare minimums here. Your bar is so low here he is on it. He basically wants you to feel that you owe him; that is what all these apparent nice things he does for you are all about; they're about him and making you feel obligated to him. He does not even walk with you but walks several steps ahead.

He is repeating what he saw in his own childhood and now that same level of abuse is being meted out to you.

Your own post timed at 16.12 today made a lot of sense and should be your aim; keep reading your own words here.

You don't have to be with someone with anger issues, you really don't. Find someone who doesn't scare you too. Both those things are dealbreakers if you ask me.

I also have cptsd, the way to look at this is - theres the easy way, or the hard way. The hard way is being with someone that continually triggers you over and over whilst you try to recover. The easy way is to recover without this. Blaming yourself, finding ways youre the problem, people pleasing, these are all familiar cptsd traits. It will be very difficult to find a path to recovery like this.

I've told him that it's over and explained that my over reactions aren't going to get better whilst I'm with him and his over reactions to mine aren't going to get better and we're just setting each other off.

I've said this before but I'm hoping I can stick to it this time. I know things he says to me wouldn't bother someone else but they do bother me. I don't feel safe with him, I'm going to end up loosing my job, my friends ect as I'm just a mess all of the time. Even when we're together I'm on eggshells waiting for there to be something that annoys him and in turn upsets me. I am sick of living like this.

I have had similar relationships where I say I don't like angry men but always end up with anger men. I take things so personally. There might be that ideal gentle kind man out there for me but I'm better off on my own and sorting my shit out. I can't regulate myself in romantic relationships. I'm fine in the beginning but then I fit myself in with them rather than being myself and when I don't fit myself in with them anymore they fall apart.

How do you regulate yourself in a relationship? I go away and journal, I speak to other people, I go for walks, I listen to music, I go for a drive ect but I can't cope with the rejection I hear in his voice when he's telling me off. I just can't. There's also comments he makes that I'm 99% sure anyone else would just brush off or talk to them about it calmly, I'm unable to do this! I think about it for days and days and probably make it worse in my head then what it is. I need to feel like I'm safe and that I matter and he just doesn't do that for me.

My dream is to live in a beach house in a small village. To do yoga and meditation looking at the sea every morning and night. To cook vegetables I've grown out the garden and be a published academic writer and trainer. My dc will visit me and we'll go surfing and I'll cook big Sunday lunches for them and their dc, I'll have friends down the local pub and go all over the country with my training. This man isn't in my dream scenario. The more I stay with him the more apart from my dream I'm going. I need to keep that in mind. When he next talks to me and asks to get back and asks that we work on our issues together I need to keep in mind that it doesn't work and even if it's all me (which I know it isn't as this man is not able to regulate his emotions either) then it still doesn't make me happy.

I wish I was normal and just felt safe and together and knew who I was.