Constantly intolerant of husband

[missminimum]

Long story will try to keep it short. Married a long time, children are all adults. Husband is very anxious and has been for 20+ years. Every thing we do becomes a big deal due to his anxiety it may go wrong. If the smallest thing went wrong, he would insist he was not to blame ( nobody was blaming him), this would lead to anger, shouting at me, often for hours with children in the house. We lived on egg shells due to his anxiety, but also not knowing if he would get angry with me or the customer service person on the phone he was trying to talk to. For a long time I put this down to having small children and having a really difficult time at work. I helped him find a role that was less stressful, the children were growing, not at all difficult, doing well, but his behaviour continued. Everything the children did, they had a long health and safety warning due to his anxiety they could be hurt or it go wrong. If I tried to discuss any of this it would lead to more shouting or him being clingy as he felt I did not like him.
Fast forward to our children now being adults, he barely gets cross now, has had treatment for anxiety but I feel constantly irritated and resentful of him. He sees this so is trying too hard and is sensitive to constantly observe my reactions to him. Our relationship is strained. One of our daughters has developed extreme anxiety and can no longer work/study, is having treatment but it is hard to see her suffering. I can't help feeling my husband's behaviour and my remaining in the relationship could have led to this, all the shouting, tension and safety warnings could have affected her through childhood. I feel resentful of him and sad about this, making it harder for me to be warm toward him. He is becoming increasingly upset with me and more clingy, compounding the problem
Positives, we have similar values and attitudes, he is a devoted fatner, works hard and has tried recently to address his anxiety
Any advice on how we can move forward? Thanks

Your post made me very sad. I'm not surprised you feel resentful.
I imagine the impact on your daughter(s) is hard to get past.
Could therapy for yourself help? Even if the relationship won't survive it would help you navigate that.

Thank you for your reply tobed. I too fedl sad I have tried to do therapy, but struggle to reflect on my feelings and talk about myself. I need to give it another try

I didn't want to say but I wondered whether some of what you project towards your DH is actually regret that you allowed the situation to continue for so long, and hate the effect it has had on your daughter?

Yes, I do feel guilty that I let my children be exposed to his behaviour, I know I tried to help him and talk to him about it without success. I stayed hoping it would get better and due to concern it would be worse for the children if I left. I currently feel very sad about this and finding it hard to not feel this way. He has recently tried to address his anxiety through medication and counselling, he is less angry, but it feels too late. He feels insecure in our relationship, which adds to his anxiety and he is very needy of my reassurance. I no longer have the patience for this due to trying to support our daughter and I find his insecurity irritating.
Ending our relationship would make my daughter's illness worse, he is supportive of helping her with her illness. I am finding it hard to live with an unwell daughter and a husband who is very sensitive to my every comment, facial expressions and actions for reassurance. I do need counselling, but can't see it changing my situation
Thanks for taking the time to respond

You are absolutely right to put her first. Of course they are biologically related so it is difficult to separate nature/nurture wrt your daughters issues. All the very best.

I feel intensely sorry for your children. How can you list "positives" about him when you look at what he has done to your daughter's life? You say ending the relationship will make her worse but surely he can continue to support her whether you are together or not. You may find that once you split and your obvious (extremely deserved) seething resentment is lessened and she's not exposed to her father's own anxious behaviour, her own issues will improve.

I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. I can understand how the past and this situation with your daughter makes you feel so angry and irritated. It takes an enormous amount of energy to live and comfort someone with anxiety.

If leaving the marriage will cause more upset for your daughter, it sounds like counselling would be helpful. Even if it is to say out loud all of your feelings to a neutral party. Friends and family are useful but are connected and even if they are lovely, they still have biases and only so much time or energy. When a situation is upsetting, angering, and I imagine draining, having an outlet can be useful. In time you may feel more able to discuss your feelings of guilt etc.

It’s important to remember your actions in the past were what you thought were right at the time. Being a supportive wife to your husband (who had other positive traits) and keeping the family together. With time, perspectives change which can cause doubt and regret, but you weighed up what you knew and thought to be best. It sounds like you need kindness, especially from yourself, to get through this difficult time.

Best wishes to you and your daughter, I hope she feels better soon x

1. stop taking your guilt for staying out on your husband, he can’t change the past and it sounds like he has tried hard to deal with his anxiety in the present.

2. marriage counselling, you say you find it hard to talk about and reflect on your emotions, this is probably why your husband is constantly watching your reactions, because you don’t communicate with him about your feelings.

How old is your daughter?

Thanks for all the advice and taking the time to read my post

Takethepost, I have talked to my husband at my feelings but not a counsellor, partly as it feels disloyal to him. I have been open with him about how I feel but it makes him cross and upset. I have tried to be tactful when I talk to him, but knowing I am feeling low just adds to his anxiety.

You are putting everyone else's needs above your own. But this is useful to distract you from your own feelings. I wonder are you mothering your husband. Thus he's acting like a clingy child and you are shielding him from your own feelings. That only reinforces the roles of you being powerful Mama who keeps her emotions hidden because fragile husband can't cope.
Tell him clearly that you don't have resources currently to provide him with sympathy so he'll need to go to counseling for support.
He's a grown man.
Go back to therapy for yourself. It's like the airplane thing, you need to put your own oxygen mask on before you help others. Find a therapist who you feel relaxed with.
Also you are blaming yourself for not being able to fix everyone around you. The feeling disloyal part... maybe the truth is that you don't want to accept that you are a person who can have negative feelings towards important figures in your life. We are all made up of parts and it's ok for a part of you to be angry with your husband. It doesn't mean you don't love him.