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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I don't actually like my 'D'H

17 replies

Lollymollyholly · 12/02/2022 00:06

I've come to a realisation tonight that I don't actually like my husband very much. We have a DC7 together, house, car etc and I recently feel that my 'ties' are the only thing keeping me here. Has anyone else felt the same?

I have a specialist subject that I have studied at university (at great lengths). Tonight over tea and a bottle of wine, we got talking about this subject where he basically told me I was wrong, he disagreed with everything and then told me he was going to bed because he cold tell I was looking for an argument... I wasn't, I was just (rarely) arguing my point.

I have recently realised that no matter what I say, he will argue otherwise and I feel we are becoming his parents - I feel this is an issue as they are very old fashioned in that he works and she doesn't, he's the 'man' or the house and what he says goes, she has to fall into the dutiful wife routine or all hell breaks loose.

I'm early 30s and wondering whether I actually have the mental capacity to deal with this for the rest of my life ...

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 12/02/2022 00:08

You have one life. Wouldn't it be a waste to spend it with somebody you don't even like?

Motheranddaughtertotwo · 12/02/2022 00:10

How long have you been together and how long have you felt like this? I have had phases where DH has really upset me and I’ve questioned how much I actually like him but it’s passed in a few months and has happened twice in twenty years.

notthatonethisone · 12/02/2022 00:12

It sounds like he doesn't much like you either. Or at least respect you

Can you talk to him about it?

If you can't and nothing changes then I couldn't stay with someone like that. How awful. For the rest of your life?!

Agree with pp. you have one life.

mowly77 · 12/02/2022 00:13

I’m in couples counselling and I’m starting to like my DP again. But we absolutely hate each other on a regular basis so I understand your feelings.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/02/2022 00:15

You already know your marriage is over. You've outgrown him. Stop fighting it and end it.

AtrociousCircumstance · 12/02/2022 00:15

He sounds like a sexist idiot.

No you don’t have to stay in this relationship because of the ties.

Choosingtochange · 12/02/2022 00:19

I would continue to pursue my passion/work. You sound like you enjoy it so keep going. I feel you with the other half not being supportive. I don't like my DH a lot of the time also. Focus on you and make yourself a priority. Then maybe look at things in a few weeks? Like others have said, you only have one life x

PatsyClinSilVousPlait · 12/02/2022 01:08

I'm not in the knee jerk camp generally, but couldn't tolerate that once, let alone a pattern of that behaviour.

Featuredcreature · 12/02/2022 01:24

I had a bit of situationship, last time I saw him basically anything I said he took the opposite view. I even said to him if I said the sky is blue he would say the opposite. Fuck that for a laugh. Why would you put up with that forever. My blood pressure is rising on Your behalf, I also fucking hate people who just remove themselves when from an argument, if you think you are right then argue the fucking point, cowards.

bubbleblower85 · 12/02/2022 01:32

Aaahhh you have my sympathy. I have never confessed this, so writing this down for the 1st time, I too really dislike the man I am married too.
There really isn't a day I actually like him, there are days I dislike him less but it's always there.
I don't think I can ever go back to liking him as I have seen too much of his personality/character and I just don't like much of it.
Can you tell I don't like him?

Kanaloa · 12/02/2022 01:41

It sounds miserable. I’m very much of the belief that it’s better to be alone than unhappy with someone you dislike. All the work of a relationship is only worth it if you like the person.

Kanaloa · 12/02/2022 01:43

I would also say if he’s re-enacting his parents relationship that’s one of those cycles that’s almost impossible to break. It’s hard enough to change yourself if you actually want to, never mind you changing someone who doesn’t want to/care.

Choosingtochange · 12/02/2022 01:44

@bubbleblower85

Aaahhh you have my sympathy. I have never confessed this, so writing this down for the 1st time, I too really dislike the man I am married too. There really isn't a day I actually like him, there are days I dislike him less but it's always there. I don't think I can ever go back to liking him as I have seen too much of his personality/character and I just don't like much of it. Can you tell I don't like him?

That's a really scary confession Bubble. Do you think you will stay? Not meaning to detail the OP

bubbleblower85 · 12/02/2022 01:55

Thanks for your concern. It's my 2nd marriage, 1st was abusive, this is not so (he love bombed me at the start and I was too stupid to see it). I can't face the trauma of going through another divorce and reputation trashing again.
Plus I have a baby with him and he is a loving good father and our baby adores him, I don't think I can deprive her of him (i.e. not living with and seeing him every day).
To be honest I have mainly detached myself from him.

DreamTheMoors · 12/02/2022 02:04

My first husband was brilliant to me ore-marriage. Loving, affectionate, complimentary.

After marriage, it was a barrage of “you’re wrong” and “that’s stupid” and other assorted put-downs and insults.

I weighed 8.5 stone on my wedding day. When I left 21 months later, I weighed 6 stone.

Don’t let your husband damage your mental health to the point where you can’t recover.
It’s time for you to consider what’s most important in your life - I hope you choose yourself and your child’s image of you, but honestly, nobody can determine that but you. xx

howtoleaveit · 12/02/2022 06:11

@DreamTheMoors I hope your weight has recovered now? I wonder why some men do that? Go all out then act like a pig after marriage/babies. I had the same situation. Verbal abuse and lack of effort/put downs once kids came along.

Lotsandlotsoftea · 12/02/2022 08:55

I don't like mine either and he is similar to yours- always takes the opposite viewpoint. The whole point of a relationship is to be able to relate to each other and I feel like mine does the opposite. There are no shared experiences either as he pulls away from us experiencing anything together.

My friend said to me this week "he sold you a dream", and he really did. He was so accommodating at the beginning, agreeable, kind, keen to please. But I became pregnant very quickly due to ineffective birth control and he changed as soon as I moved in with him. Pulled away very quickly.

10 years down the line though, I question myself about leaving him but know that deep down, it's over. Romantically, there is nothing between us.

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