Should I tell my son?

[Meandmyboy34]

I’ve been divorced from my son’s dad since he was 8. My boy is now 16 and still sees his dad regularly. His dad was (probably still is) a compulsive liar - after 15 years with him there’s so much I didn’t know, so many contradictions. In the end it was his lies and lack of remorse for anything that caused me to leave him.
My son lies occasionally ( I know many teenagers do) but overall he’s a good boy - works hard at school, enjoys spending time with me and does not really cause any issues. However I fall apart when he lies and have become very suspicious ( which I hate) . Should I explain to him more about his dad so he understands why I’m so sensitive to him lying?

No
Just say that trust is important to you and his lying undermines that.
At 16 he should be able to have a conversation and understand mutual respect and consideration

@millymolls thank you. I’m sure he does understand but when things happen occasionally he seems unable to be honest initially. Of course he may lie more and I just don’t find out. Realistically I know most teenagers lie to their parents to a certain extent and I probably need to relax a bit. I just can’t help feeling like it’s the end of the world when DS lies - I feel sick, shaky, anxious - it’s horrible.

No. Your son is not is father. Any criticism you make of his dad he may very well see as a criticism of himself. Like father, like son. Your son will figure out any character flaws your ex has soon enough.

@Aquamarine1029 thank you. Yes, you’re right and he is starting to notice. Doesn’t change the fact he probably can’t wait for his time with his dad as there are no rules, consequences, guidance or questions there - no proper parenting basically.

Don't mention his dad, he's his own person. Hinting he's a compulsive liar, "just like his dad" will blow up in your face. Also he'll probably tell his dad if they're close and it will be open season for everyone. No winners.

@ohdelay thanks. I haven’t said anything like that to him and I doubt he’d tell his dad about anything I said. But again, I guess just because he says they don’t talk about our chats re lying, doesn’t mean he doesn’t tell his dad. Just wish I could believe what he said all the time.,

It’s a bit late now I think you just have to suck it up really.

No, he sounds like a good boy so your past experience with his father isn't his fault. Teenagers lie all the time. As long as he knows you love him and will be there for him that's all that matters. Him and his Dad are two different people completely x

You've obviously had a bad experience with you ex but you know it is normal for people to lie (in moderation). Is your son lying because he is trying to avoid conflict, or wants more privacy or is it for a more nefarious reason? Unless it's the latter I wouldnt worry to much. And do make sure you give him some privacy. It hurts when our teens pull away from us but it's natural that they dont want us to know everything about their lives any more.

@Porcupineintherough thank you. He lies if he thinks I’ll be annoyed about things. I have reiterated numerous times I’d rather know about things, expect he’ll make mistakes at times, will always help him but if he lies, I can’t trust him.

Please don't tell him OP.

I was in a very similar situation with my DS. He once ran up a £300 phone bill and came out with a load of bullshit excuses - someone had snuck into his bedroom and dialled, his phone must have fallen on the floor and dialled an international number, blah blah. I had sight of his messages where he'd said to the person he'd called "whoops didn't mean to talk this long, bet my mum will bollocks me, oh well lol" 😠

I gave him chance after chance to tell me the truth but he just wouldn't. I lost my temper and snapped "You're a bloody liar just like your dad."

It badly damaged our relationship for a long time and affected his self esteem and security (as he was thinking - she left my dad, I'm like my dad, she'll leave me too)

Worst of all it didn't even stop him lying to me. So I wounded us both for no reason.

If I could wind the clock back, I would have told him that I knew he was lying, and explained how lying had eroded trust and made me feel very upset, disrespected and disappointed.

Hang in there. the teen years don't go on forever, and we do have a great relationship now he's in his 20s.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation thank you. I have explained that lying erodes trust, is disrespectful, etc without mentioning his dad at all. Also explained that he can tell me anything and I’ll always be there to try to help him.

Bump

I have similar worries, I have realised it is a trigger when your child acts like your ex.
Brings up feelings from your past.

@goMe46 so sorry to hear it’s similar for you 😢
I just wish I knew how to deal with this. I’ve been thinking about antidepressants to help - there are other issues apart from my ds which this might help

I’d see this as emotional blackmail tbh op. Everyone lies sometimes. It’s unfair to make him feel like he’s a horrible person like his father when he slips up

@Babadook76 I think that’s a bit strong!! 😳 I’m not blackmailing Ds into anything or threatening him with anything. I’ve told him numerous times I’ll always be here for him no matter what. Just want to be able to trust him.