Dating divorced people

[fenellastripe]

When you might be thinking of dating someone and you ask them what led to the break up of their very long marriage and they say 'we just drifted apart', do they really mean 'I cheated'? And, how can you ever find out the truth?!

My ex always says we drifted apart but to me he was a tw*t but to him he wasn't.
I think you have to just get your own feel for each person I guess.

I don’t think you would ever really know, even if you saw the divorce papers.

No it doesn't. It could be the ex that cheated but of course them saying that may be construed as a red flag 🚩...

Also to be fair, my ex would be good for someone else who likes the things he does. Sometimes drift apart could just mean not compatible

I think it means they don’t want to talk about the details of how their last relationship ended and particularly not with somebody they aren’t even dating yet.

You will very rarely find the truth. I personally don’t tell people the circumstances of my divorce to protect my children. I highly doubt my ex tells the truth either.

Tbh what I look for is whether someone is prepared to take responsibility (vs badmouthing the ex) for the end of the marriage and whether they know what they would need to do differently.
I also look for emotional reactions, and those rarely appear on date one or two. Those who can speak neutrally (and consistently) about an ex are potentially in a much better place than those who are not. Far too many men IME remain emotionally enmeshed with their exes, and if you know what you’re looking for you can see the ones who will continue to make that emotional dysfunction the priority.

Personally I wouldn’t touch anyone recently separated/ divorced who hasn’t already been through their ‘rebound’ relationship post separation.

I say that, or I fell out of love. In reality he was a knob head at times with aggression and I walked on eggshells. But now to co-parent with and as a friend he's fab.
So until I get to know someone more at which point I'll share more information, I go with that line of drifting apart.

Anyone who's divorced, there is their version and their exes version, and probably fault on both sides.
I asked DPs ex why they split, can totally appreciate why she left him as I can see the factors, I interpret his behaviour differently.
Similarly I introduced myself to exH new partner just in case she ever wants to ask me why we split. Maybe he'll be a better partner to her, I hope so.

If he bad mouths the ex its a red flag. Plenty of people grow apart. This is how my first two relationships ended. Then exh was abusive, emotionally and physically. I don't say that when nosy people ask why we broke up because it's not something I share with people other than very close friends. I also think its a really inappropriate and uncomfortable thing to ask someone.

My ex threatened to contest the divorce as he didn’t agree with the examples of ‘unreasonable behaviour,’ all of which were watered down and the truth was even worse.

So his version of why we split up is very different from mine.

I think until you get to know them better, and start sharing personal information 'we drifted apart' is an adequate response

Some couples genuinely do just drift apart. My sister and her long time partner did just that by the end of their relationship. There was no cheating involved on either side, but after having kids they lost the intimate romantic spark and became more like close friends and roommates.
Cheating isn't the only reason relationships end.

Yep, in mine we genuinely drifted apart. Not everything has to involve horrible drama with addictions, cheating etc. Real life is far more mundane than the mumsnet relationships board, which is just a sample.

I'm pretty sure this is what my ex uses having heard it via the wife of his friend. It isn't true but shame is a powerful thing and maybe he believes it.

I used to say 'he wasn't very nice to me'. Understatement.

My exH tells everyone we drifted apart. Truth is he emotionally, financially, psychologically and eventually physically abused me.

Sometimes it's just that you can't physically stomach them anymore. You just don't fancy them and avoid sex, which your partner is upset by, but equally it's not right for one person to keep having sex with someone they don't want to have sex with just to keep the peace. I have been here and it's so draining having to constantly think up excuses, and constantly avoid it, knowing that the other person is getting fed up, and there being the odd occasion where you absolutely have to give in but the whole thing sickens you.

No-one really wants to divulge all that on a first date with someone new!