Opposite sex friendships

[Seemytrainers]

I know this probably sounds old fashioned to some. I have had friends of opposite sex in the past but I have known their partners, have known them a while, they knew my ex or we were young and I didn't give it any thought.

I am divorced and in 40s and I feel that what might have seemed like simply friendly behaviour might now be seen as flirting.

I have a work colleague I like as a friend. Our team occasionally go for drinks after work. Sometimes just a couple of us. The colleague I am asking the question about however has a long term partner. I love chatting to him but wouldn't go out after work just the two of us as I don't know if that is ok?

If he's just a friend I can't see the problem. Might be worth including references to his partner during conversation, as you would with a girlfriend.

Theres no hard and fast rule. It depends purely on how you see each other and the potential for how you see each other to change. Are you attracted to him? Have you picked up any signs he may be attracted to you? If you can look at him and honestly say, he's a great person but there's no way I'd want anything physical with him, and you are pretty certain he feels the same, then no harm. If you can't say that with complete honesty I think its a risky path to take.

I doubt he is attracted to me, he's just kind and chatty. I don't think I'm attracted but I do like him a lot, more than other colleagues and if he was single maybe. Or maybe I would still just love chatting to him.

I wouldn't go there then OP tbh. At the moment you only know him moderately but think 'if he were single.. ' the more time you spend with someone you like the more attractive they can become. Obviously it's up to you, but these things have a habit of ending in tears.

It feels like a friendship type connection rather than physical but maybe I'm questioning developing a friendship because there is a possible attraction. Perhaps right to be careful.

I understand why you’re being careful. I’m somewhat senior where I work, and often in an engineering mentoring role. Over the years I’ve had to deal with a few younger guys getting the wrong idea and blurring work and friendship boundaries.

If it's completely platonic and no attraction one other side I don't see the issue.

However, the fact you're saying "maybe" if he was single, or even giving it that much thought is enough of a flag to step back

So if no attraction it's ok to head out for a drink after a tough day. I've probably thought too much.

Too much thought over it already. Just don’t.

I'm long term single and have male friends. In the past I've gone out for dinner after work with male colleagues who were married. There was never any suggestion that it was anything other than colleagues socialising after work.

The difference though is that I have realised that I automatically put attached blokes firmly in a category of not even for a fleeting moment considering them in that way. My brain deals with it in an absolutely black and white way.

The fact you've had the thought that 'if they were single' suggests this really isn't a good idea.

What's the point, your only going to annoy the shit out of his wife or become emotionally attatched and want more of him.

You probably wouldn't have liked your ex to do the same whilst he was with you so I wouldn't.

It's a waste of time, unless you're asking do you think he fancies me enough to leave his partner and take up with me, because he sounds very interested in my conversation and I love my ego massaging.

Find a single guy or a girlfriend, it's a lot less hassle.

I’ve always had more make friends than female. There are some I feel confident and comfortable just hanging out with but others I don’t. This is purely down to how their partners feel about it. One friend previously explained his partner found it weird so I invited her and we then became friends. I just wanted to make it clear that it was all platonic. We now hang out as a group which is great because I like chatting tk them both.
I think the fact that you’re questioning it means you maybe have an attraction or perhaps developing feelings for him.

Well no I wouldn't go out with a colleague just the two of us and wouldn't want my husband to. We did a relationship course before marriage which suggested the concept of walls and windows and to protect the boundaries by not spending 1:1 time with someone you could technically marry (ie not a relative or sex you are not attracted to). Most people who cheat are good people who absolutely never set out to, they just didn't protect their relationships and allowed a connection to develop by spending time together.

@INeedNewShoes The difference though is that I have realised that I automatically put attached blokes firmly in a category of not even for a fleeting moment considering them in that way. Since divorcing I haven't been interested in any bloke single or otherwise and it's been a long time. I simply have no desire to have a relationship again and definitely not a physical relationship. I haven't had to have"lines" drawn.

unless you're asking do you think he fancies me enough to leave his partner and take up with me, because he sounds very interested in my conversation and I love my ego massaging I'm not sure how enjoying someone's company means I love my ego massaging. Definitely wouldn't want someone/anyone to leave their partner for me, my children are my priority and a relationship doesn't fit in with that so I'm not harbouring some unrealistic hope.

I think the fact that you’re questioning it means you maybe have an attraction or perhaps developing feelings for him. This might be the case. Although it's a no go in these circumstances maybe it's sitting to think about more generally.

@WTF475878237NC I'm not shooting down that advice, it's interesting to think over. At the time ex and I got together though, we both had good long term friends of the opposite sex who definitely weren't a threat to our relationship. Did it not affect your friendships?