I don't know that I feel my partner is physically attracted to me.

[Fishandcushion]

but equally, I feel uncomfortable with him/ anyone being obviously attracted to me.

So it's a bit of a conundrum.

I'm not sure if anyone else feels this? In my life I've mostly had relationships with men who were, not quite indifferent, but not overly interested...too much and it makes me feel a bit overwhelmed and ill.

I have a pretty good opinion of myself and my attributes, it's not that I think I don't deserve to be loved, or anything like that. I just don't want anyone to be too attracted to me?

What do you mean by 'too attracted' - what are the actions/words etc that bother you?

It's hard to say - it could be a gesture, or a look. An overt show of interest or attraction I guess but that probably doesn't explain it much better.

You know those memes about you need a man who looks at you like X looks at Y (I think the original one was someone looking at a cake or something) - I would not want someone looking at me like that!

Do you find strong feelings awkward generally?

No I don't think so - I don't feel uncomfortable around other kinds of emotions, whether with my partner or anyone else. It's just this kind of love/ lust/ attraction stuff.

Is he picking up on what you feel, and not being demonstrative of how he feels because he thinks you won't like it?

What would you like? Is there a style in which you would like attraction displayed to you? Obviously you don't want someone's tongue lolling out, but would other things be more appealing to you?

I've never really discussed it with him, but he's never done those overt displays, which is probably why we ended up together in the first place, I would have been put off someone who did.

I think perhaps it's a separate issue because I think even by usual patterns of behaviour his attraction does seem less than it used to.

Im sorry if this is too blunt (you don't have to answer) but what is your sex life like? Has it reduced in frequency? And more importantly, are you attracted to him? Do you show it or talk about it?

We don't live together so that limits our opportunities, it has reduced slightly but we have had other fallow periods before (we've been together for a number of years), it's never been particularly frequent, an average would be once a month I guess.

I do find him attractive. I compliment his appearance and clothes and make positive comments towards him. We do say I love you often. I don't really talk about my feelings towards him other than that.

Aer you saying you don't want anyone who is overtly attracted to your looks because you want them to like you more for your personality - but that you'd like to feel that your partner was more attracted (to your personality) then he appears to be at the moment?

Or do you just find those overt displays a bit cringy but at the same time you want to know that he is still physically attracted to you?

More the latter _ I don't want that overt interest or adoration or anything generally, it makes me feel ill. And my partner doesn't do that which is great. But by our usual patterns of behaviour I don't know that he finds me physically attractive. I believe that I am attractive, but I am not sure he thinks so. But I do know that he values my personality and other non physical attributes.

What has specifically changed in his normal behaviour to make you think this?

I’m confused about what you want? You seem worried he’s not attracted to you but at the same time don’t want him to be?

@Regularsizedrudy

I’m confused about what you want? You seem worried he’s not attracted to you but at the same time don’t want him to be?

Doesn't the OP mean that they don't want grand displays of attraction? That's how I read it anyway.

How attractive this one man finds you, and how attractive you objectively are, are not necessarily linked. Given your feelings, it seems likely you gravitate towards men who are not all that into physicality, and if he is an example of this, you could be the most attractive woman in the world and he would be a bit lack lustre in that direction. It sounds like his level of enthusiasm is a good match for the level you want?

Have you experienced sexual coercion/pestering in the past at any point?

If someone is too full on or intense in any way it gives me the creeps too. Even if it's just an atmosphere.

But compliments without perving are nice.

'you're so pretty' as opposed to 'I really want to fuck you in that dress' or whatever.

I had one bloke who seemed to deliberately not compliment my appearance.

Whereas I had a couple of blokes who really loved me and showered me with compliments (without being insincere.) If one is really into me I think they romanticize my appearance to themselves, even though I'm not massively hot.

Is this right, you want a man to accept you for you and not to be acting like an oversexed perv. But you are not sure if he is attracted to you as he is not acting the same now. What ages are you. People still have to put an effort into relationships on both sides..do you still do nice things for each other or go out nice walks, days out, do fun things. Otherwise it can get very boring if doing the same thing all the time. Do you show him affection at all? He may think you do not fancy him if you show no affection. The one thing that annoys me is if someone cannot be affectionate without them thinking it is goin to lead to sex. I think open communication is something you need to do with him as it will bring you closer emotionally.