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Relationships

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Original poster

If you knew you’d never want to have sex with your partner again would you leave?

27 replies

Polarbearpenguin · 11/02/2022 16:42

Just that really?
If you knew that you would never willingly sleep with them again would you leave? Even if you had a dc? Or several dc?
Or would you just do it even though you didn’t really want to?

OP posts:

Sweetlikejollof · 11/02/2022 16:45

Why would I never willingly sleep with them again?

Itsnotdeep · 11/02/2022 16:49

yes I would. Sex is important in a relationship for me - I wouldn't want to consign myself to a sex free life. I wouldn't just do it.

I also assume it's important to my partner, and it wouldn't be fair to expect the same for him.

And yes I'd do it even if I have dc. Why would I model such a dysfunctional relationship to my dc? I don't hold the belief that it's better to be in a bad 2 parent family than 2 separate happy 1 parent families.

GoldenBlue · 11/02/2022 16:49

I wouldn't have sex if I didn't want to

If I didn't want to with anyone ever again I think it's only fair to be open with them so that they have a choice to leave if they want to

If I wanted to have sex with someone else one day in the future but not with my partner then I would believe the relationship broken and prefer to leave before finding someone I did fancy than ever getting into the affair situation that hurts people

If it was potentially medical, hormonal or something that therapy may help I'd try that route before taking the bigger steps

ShallWeTalkAboutBruno · 11/02/2022 16:51

If I still wanted to be with them without the sex, I would tell them I had no intention of having sex with them again so that they could decide whether to stay or go.

ladydimitrescu · 11/02/2022 16:52

I'd leave.

TeenTitan007 · 11/02/2022 16:52

No, I'd stay and see if it changes. I'd keep an open mind.

RedCandyApple · 11/02/2022 16:54

Depends on the reasons really

user1481840227 · 11/02/2022 16:54

I would 100% leave.
I would also leave if my partner didn't want to have sex with me.

I hope in future that it becomes normalised for people to be honest and open when they know there is no chance of their sexual desire for their partner coming back.

I totally understand that people don't want to be honest as they are afraid of their family splitting up, but when a person isn't honest then they often end up in a situation where as you said they do it even if they don't want to, maybe it's only occasional, but that doesn't really matter because having sex you don't want to have can cause a lot of sexual trauma even if the person doesn't really understand that at the time.

There's a lot of talk on mumsnet all the time about coercive sex but it leaves out that whole other side of the dynamic and conversation.

Often one person (normally the man) is accused of being coercive but the woman is often giving lots of different reasons why she doesn't want to have sex, but unwilling to be completely honest and say that she doesn't want to have sex again.

All of the obligation and responsibility is put on the person who wants sex, to not put pressure on the other person, to accept it and so on and there is zero responsibility or obligation put on the other person to be honest....and when things are that way that doesn't really help anyone, coercive sex will still be a thing, people will still have sex they don't want to have.

OldTinHat · 11/02/2022 16:55

I left. And we had two DC who were toddlers.

Sunnytwobridges · 11/02/2022 17:00

I definitely wouldn't leave, especially if everything else about the relationship was good. But sex is not important to me like that, emotional connection is more important to me.

VioletVesper · 11/02/2022 17:02

Yes, I would leave.

Lou98 · 11/02/2022 17:06

Yes, I do think that sex is an important part of a relationship (for me at least). There will be periods where we won't have much sex and periods where we have loads.

If it was a case of right now for whatever reason, I didn't want any sex at all, then I would tell my partner that but I wouldn't leave him if I thought it was temporary. If I was 100% sure I never wanted sex again then I'd say the relationship is over.

user1481840227 · 11/02/2022 17:12

@Sunnytwobridges

I definitely wouldn't leave, especially if everything else about the relationship was good. But sex is not important to me like that, emotional connection is more important to me.

Highly unusual to have a relationship where one person doesn't want to have sex and the other does but everything else in the relationship is good.

MaChienEstUnDick · 11/02/2022 17:31

I didn't and I'm so glad I didn't, because it was all down to early menopause. HRT has sorted me right out and while i don't think my libido will ever be what it was, sex is now very firmly back on the table for my marriage.

I would say that at the time I was 100% clear that I would never want to have sex with my DH again. It wasn't 'oh I want to but I can't'. It was that part of my relationship was over and that was that.

Thank god DH didn't leave...

So my answer would be include caveats around the timing of this. If there's been something majorly hormonal like pg or peri then, from my experience, it's sometimes worth hanging on to see if it's a fog that will lift.

chickenninja · 11/02/2022 17:41

I would stay if it's a case of your libido might return, for example hormonal reasons.

But if I realised I was gay I would probably leave because it's not fair on either of you to stay and pretend.

Basically it depends on the reasons why

Kite22 · 11/02/2022 17:46

Not necessarily. This is one of those "it depends" questions.

ShallWeTalkAboutBruno · 11/02/2022 18:19

I think a lot depends on whether your partner wants to stay with you with no prospect of a sexual relationship.

Dammitthisisshit · 11/02/2022 18:27

How would I know?

If I didn’t want to have sex with my OH but did want to with other people then I’d leave.
I currently don’t want to have sex with my DH. I hope I want to again one day. I have no intention of ever having sex with anyone else - if I was to want sex it would be with DH. So I have no intention of leaving.

CupOfNiceTea · 11/02/2022 18:29

No, I would not.

I find sex repulsive.

BalladOfBarryAndFreda · 11/02/2022 18:35

It depends entirely on the circumstances

GizmosEveningBath · 11/02/2022 18:41

No, we would have to sell the house, change area and school if me and DH broke up. I couldn't disrupt my children's lives to that extent because of sex. Libido can change depending on circumstances, it took a year for it to come back after both DCs thanks to PND. In the early years I probably would have said that I would be happy never to have sex again.

fenellastripe · 11/02/2022 19:20

It would depend. When I was married I wouldn't have sacrificed my DC's happiness for the sake of my sex life.
What's happened, OP? Is this a personal question?

Mumof3confused · 12/02/2022 07:04

I’m in this situation and have been having sex I don’t want for years but suddenly something inside me just made me realise I can’t do it anymore and I came clean. In hindsight it has been a symptom of other issues in the relationship which I have not been able to see but I’ve understood much more through counselling. We are talking about separation but it’s very hard as we have 3 DC and would have to sell the house. It’s far from an easy decision. My H has a very high sex drive so I don’t think a sexless marriage is realistic, I also don’t want to give it up as it would feel like some sort of half life. If we stayed ‘for the kids’ I can see it ending in disaster with affairs.

TheGreenLady · 12/02/2022 11:08

When my DD was young I thought I would never want sex again. In fact I thought I wouldn’t mind if he found other people to have sex with. Thank god he didn’t do anything like that.

Then as I hit my 40s my sex drive returned. I stopped any hormonal contraception which massively helped too. I am now the one that often initiates and we are loving this stage of our lives (older tweens and our bedroom is in the attic so we can be alone with no worries 😉)

So it really can change in my experience.

Itsabitnotcold · 05/12/2022 16:34

Of course context matters! Is he your husband, dad, son, a police officer, a jehovas witness, tv licence bloke, homeless, a date, a previous abuser. Of course context matters.

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