who's in the wrong

[whatdoidonow2005]

Wife angry with me, due to me sleeping on my day/days off.
I'm a night worker so can finish anywhere between 4am to 9am.
She says shes stuck in all week, dc is SN but is at school.
(she can't drive)
I try to explain, i still need to sleep and keep to a night routine of sorts.
I'm up at 13.30 and shes shouting at me.
Lack of sleep kills people in my job.
Up until recently i'd not worked for 10 years.
She always blamed me for her, been bored or not going out.
What am i supposed to do?
I do 50 to 60hrs per week
dc is SN (servere)

So why can't she go out when DC is at school? Are there no buses? Can she not walk anywhere? I don't think you are responsible for her being bored - does she not work?

I don’t think either of you are particularly in the wrong. You’re trying to work hard, she’s vying for attention by the sounds of it.

Night shifts can really have a negative impact on relationships. Either come to a joint agreement about time together, what positive changes you can make or find a job with more sociable hours. Otherwise you will end up resenting each other

It sounds awful for both of you. What is your child like at night - is your wife getting enough sleep? I don't think you can budge on how much sleep you need, as you say tiredness kills in your job and working night shifts means sleeping during the day.

Is there any chance of you moving to a job with daytime hours, so that you and your wife can be more of a team and share the load? If she's in sole care of a child with severe SEN, she's probably more knackered and under more stress than you realise.

Are nighttime's with DC hard?
Was she expecting you could do loads of fun things together now you're working?
Encourage her to get driving lessons if they're affordable.

I sympathise with you. I've worked Nightshift for a good few years now. I finish at 9am, come home, speak to our kids, go for a shower and then bed. Two hours later I'm up again because for some reason my dw can't be quiet or entertain our children. People seem to think 2 hours sleep is enough. It isn't. Why doesn't your wife learn to drive? Would she be happy with you if you told her she couldn't sleep at night cos you were bored? It's selfish. And you are spot on, lack of sleep as a Nightshift worker can be a killer. Hope you get rest soon.

DC is a problem at night, which is the reason for working nights, so i can sleep during day.
And the moneys better, Not in a good place financially long term, but im working on that, and we are making headway with that
I dont think shes been sleeping much lately.

A relationship isn't a zero sum game. If you're not capable between you of having a discussion with the aim of both of you being happier, you have a bigger issue than night shifts.

Stop trying to prove you're right. Ask her what she needs, and tell her what you need. Write it down if you have to. If you can't both engage in a healthy discussion about this, the relationship isn't going to work, because you're not actually trying to relate to each other.

@whatdoidonow2005

DC is a problem at night, which is the reason for working nights, so i can sleep during day. And the moneys better, Not in a good place financially long term, but im working on that, and we are making headway with that I dont think shes been sleeping much lately.

Well, no wonder your wife is on her knees then. She's working at night too, dealing with a non-sleeping child, but then she's on duty all day with a SEN child too. Presumably she has the hours when the child is at school to do all the household stuff? Poor woman must feel like there's nothing to look forward to.

@whatdoidonow2005

DC is a problem at night, which is the reason for working nights, so i can sleep during day. And the moneys better, Not in a good place financially long term, but im working on that, and we are making headway with that I dont think shes been sleeping much lately.

So she does all nights with a problem SEN child, gets up and looks after them before school, looks after them at school, and presumably runs the household in the daytime. She is probably lonely as well as exhausted.

Why can't she go out without driving? If you live somewhere remote does she want to learn to drive so she's not stuck in the house?

So your working arrangement is so you get to sleep? This is because of safety issues?

What happens on your days off? Do you get up/take over then?

When does your wife get to sleep?

@Nanny0gg

So your working arrangement is so you get to sleep? This is because of safety issues?

What happens on your days off? Do you get up/take over then?

When does your wife get to sleep?

No, the working arrangement is for money, the sleep is a byproduct. Its can be a physically demanding job , and Lack of sleep, has killed many other people/familys. Happens every year. I was coming off a 15hrs shift, i still need to sleep, or in this case i'd had about 5hrs. dc is out of the house for 8hrs. when i got up, he was at school she could catch up on sleep during school time. if im on 1 day off i keep to night shift patten, on 2days off i sleep for 5hrs

@RatherBeRiding

So why can't she go out when DC is at school? Are there no buses? Can she not walk anywhere? I don't think you are responsible for her being bored - does she not work?

Having a SN dc (servere) with no family help . (All too old or dead). We dismissed the idea about both of us working long ago, And as it stands, i can earn more than her. But the price to pay is long hours, A change of career is not really a option. I'm earning more than we ever have before. Shes learning to drive, but covid has made it problematic, can't get tests

DC is at school 8 hours. Housework doesn’t take up much time, she’s bored and lonely.
Can she find a hobby to do?

@sadpapercourtesan

It sounds awful for both of you. What is your child like at night - is your wife getting enough sleep? I don't think you can budge on how much sleep you need, as you say tiredness kills in your job and working night shifts means sleeping during the day.

Is there any chance of you moving to a job with daytime hours, so that you and your wife can be more of a team and share the load? If she's in sole care of a child with severe SEN, she's probably more knackered and under more stress than you realise.

If i move to day shift , its not really better, longer hours and less pay. And i wont sleep on a night. Your right about stress, sleep We agreed to a financial plan, to work for xx amouunt of years to put us in a better position, for what ever life may throw at us.