Asexual or just fucked up? *trigger warning*

[lifeofanun]

Sorry if this is a bit of a long one but I need to talk about this somewhere and I can't in rl. Before I start I'm not sure if this is relevant but I'm incredibly socially awkward and self conscious/shy.

I have never really been sexually attracted to anyone and had never even kissed anyone until I was 19. Then I met my oldest dad who I wanted to spend every minute with but never really thought about sex and made him wait 6months to have it. I loved spending time with him and making him happy. He left me shortly after having my oldest.

When this happened a friend of mine who I knew from work started giving me a hand with things which I thought was really nice. I didn't ask for help and as I was in a bad place (scared,upset,dealing with a new baby) my confidence was shot. Anyway one day he gets really nasty and says " that because he helped me what am I going to do for him!" This was the start of 10years of him being nice then forcing me to do stuff I didn't want to. Everyone around me was telling me how lucky I was to have such a nice guy so I just did some ridiculous mental gymnastics to convince myself I was happy. He talked me into having a second baby and when I did he few jealous of them and tried to palm both kids off on his mum. A few years later he begged me to have another and wouldn't leave me alone about it only to tell me to have an abortion the moment I fell pregnant and made the whole pregnancy hell.

During this whole time he forced me to have sex or if I refused and fell asleep he would cum on my face every night. I just felt like shit and hated being touched. As I say this went on for years and when I confronted him he would deny it or make me feel mad. The worst time was when I begged him to stop and he told me that I hadn't and it was just me playing hard to get. During this time he also tried to keep me away from everyone including the children as much as possible.

So getting to my point I escaped from him 7years ago with my children and have been alone ever since. Life has been great. Recently I've been talking to someone online and I like them but they brought up sex and I've just had a panic attack. The thought of it makes me want to puke. I thought after all these years I would be over that shit but clearly I'm not. Or maybe it's just me being my usual awkward self I don't know. Has anyone else felt like this and has it got better? I just feel like such a broken person in a world obsessed with sex.

By the way I know this makes me sound like such a doormat. I hate the fact I never stood up for myself.

Having sex isn’t compulsory, it’s totally up to you if you never seek that again, and I could understand why with what you’ve been through. Have you spoke to any professional about the abuse you suffered?

I mean you’ve suffered terrible abuse. So I think trying to label yourself as asexual/anything else is not the right way to go here. You don’t need to justify not wanting sex at this moment by being ‘asexual.’ You can just not want sex, nobody else can tell you that’s wrong.

I think it would definitely be worth talking to a professional. Not because you don’t want sex, because that’s fine and not a problem, but because you’ve suffered abuse and sometimes it helps to talk through your reaction to abuse and help you deal with it.

You are clearly deeply traumatised and need some help to rebuild yourself after escaping that abuse. Whilst it's possible to be genuinely asexual it's more likely that you are currently just too hurt by your previous experiences to be open to anything new. That's ok. You don't need to rush to get cured asap in order to get back in the saddle again as quickly as you can. Take your time. Learn to be you. Draw your boundaries where it suits you and don't feel ashamed to not be interested in a physical relationship just yet. It's ok to be not ok. Becoming ok can be a work in progress.

I'm so sorry that happened to you. That's awful and I'm glad you are so much happier now.
Have you ever had any therapy for what he put you through?
It could be that you're a sexual, or it could just be that you were young and it wasn't great with the first one, and with the second you were repeatedly raped and sexually assaulted amd mentally abused for years.

No one knows. I haven't told anyone about what happened until I wrote this. People at work joke how I flinch when anyone buts a hand on me and say it's weird but I think it links to all that happened. I've just tried to move on and forget about it. I keep myself as busy as possible so I don't have to think.

You don't sound like a doormat, you sound like you've survived horrific abuse yet gone on to make a lovely life for you and your kids in spite of it.

Sexual desire is as a massive mixture of hormonal and psychological influences - I really don't think matters how that balance has come about for you. All that matters right now is that is that you don't feel the need to compromise on your own feelings and happiness in a relationship just because you feel some sort of sense that you are being problematic. Trust yourself and what feels right. If you liked certain things about this guy but then sex talk isn't for you then you can say next and wait for someone who doesn't send you into a panic attack. That's OK .

Second this you're a survivor of abuse not a doormat. You sound so strong. Also agree with not labelling yourself. Is there anyone you feel comfortable speaking to in RL?

Honestly @lifeofanun I think you should consider counselling for the awful abuse you've endured. Being raped and sexually abused isn't something you did, it's something that was done to you. You aren't responsible or to blame and you shouldn't feel ashamed.
You don't need therapy to have sex because you don't need to have sex ever again if you don't want to. But you deserve to be able to heal z

Hi OP
You've suffered from extreme sexual abuse. It doesn't seem like you are aware of that. It's common not to believe that or understand that but that was definitely sexual abuse on the more extreme side.

I have some similarities in a previous long term relationship (not even close to being as abusive as yours though) but definitely wondered in the past did I just hate sex and hated being touched etc. but it was definitely the trauma.

Asexual or not, what you went through was still abuse.

People at work joke how I flinch when anyone buts a hand on me and say it's weird but I think it links to all that happened.

Wow what an ignorant bunch of emotionally immature people you must work with. If I noticed someone flinching when people touched them I would be concerned for them and assume some kind of trauma went on in their past. The fact that they say it's weird says far more about them than it does about you.

Thank you everyone. I don't feel I can speak to anyone I know. I'm a really private person and never really tell family or friends anything personal. I'm known as being the strong person who just gets on with things and doesn't let life get to her and I've found when I have problems I get the "you'll be fine!" Response as they don't want the person who they perceive as strong to not be. I'm the person who never cries or breaks down and I think it is a shock when I try to talk.

As for the touching thing I can't even stand to touch myself. Physical contact makes my skin crawl unless it's hugging my children.

As for getting help I did get put on a cvt course by my dr but it didn't really help. I earn just enough to survive so can't afford private help.

Do you mean the guy online is bringing up sex before you've even met? If so then he is probably another creep and it's time to bin him off.

If you get to the point on future where sex is relevant to you (which can be 6 months onto dating if you like) then you can say 'I've never really enjoyed it that much. And I've had some bad experiences too. So in future I want to focus on being comfortable and my pleasure. So I'll need you to be patient while we determine what works for me first. OK?'

You don't need to bring up past abuse. And you certainly shouldn't bring it up before you've you've in a relationship with them for a considerable time because it can attract other abusers if you mention it.

You also need to do the self work of learning how to spot abuse and abusive people. Continually, throughout your life. Because if you have good people in your life, you'll feel a lot more secure when the time comes to take things to the next level.

Always remeber you van say no. And you don't have to justify why. 'No' is enough.

@lifeofanun

As for getting help I did get put on a cvt course by my dr but it didn't really help. I earn just enough to survive so can't afford private help.

I'm not in the UK but maybe someone else can advise you of some free or low cost therapy services for survivors of sexual assault and rape.

There is often support out there but it's a case of looking for it or being told as those organisations/charities often don't have the means to advertise their services.

Asexual and fucked up aren't your only options here. Most of us are neither, and still have times when we don't want to have sex: it's not a diagnosis, it's just how you feel.

How you feel is who you are. Respect your feelings, rather than putting them down. Your boundaries were crossed so you built them higher: that's what healthy people do.

You could choose to never have sex again in your whole life, and if that's what you wanted, that would be absolutely fine. Nobody is allowed to judge that. That's you doing what you want with your life. That's your job! To do things that make you happy, or, at the least, keep you ok. That's your responsibility, to not over ride your feelings, but to look after them.

Do you want to learn to be more relaxed about sex, or would you be happy to not do it again? If you don't want to do it, that would take a lot of pressure off you; but ditch the negative self judgment.

Thank you everyone for the advice. I've told the person I'm not ready for a relationship and moved on. I would be happy to be on my own for good. I'm more interested in just having friends and spending time with family which is something I could never do with my ex.

I don't know why people are asexual OP. I'm fully asexual and never fancied anyone my whole life, hated sex. Despite that I've been married twice and divorced twice.
I think it's because I was abused as a child and have complex trauma. I see everyone as a potential abuser.
I'm single now and it's a lot better. I'd never have another relationship. I can't imagine how horrible it would be to have to have sex with somebody again.

First of all don't automatically think there is anything wrong with your sexuality and/or that you are asexual.

You lived with an abuser. Your experience is bound to have left you dealing with some major trauma and that's hardly going to make you feel confident and want to have sex.

Also being shy and self-conscious means you might find it harder to relax and be confident when meeting/interacting with a potential partner. Or you might simply not have met the right person yet.

You might find it useful to get support from counselling to deal with what has happened to you before you consider dating again.

Then you might decide you want to pursue relationships one day or you might not. It is your body, your life and you can choose what works for you. Don't worry about what other people think!

If you speak to someone online and they bring up sex before you have even met them, cut them off. It is a creepy thing to do, so no wonder that their behaviour turned you off and worried you. Trust your instincts.